Deep thoughts (not really)

I can be a little inconsistent in my personality. I am the silver lining kind of person on the inside, while being the dark person on the outside. People seem to be somewhat surprised by this fact. They make assumptions. Yes, I like dark things. I have a crystal skull as part of my home's decor...year round. Along with a gargoyle, or two, and a dragon. I like sharp pointy things and whips and chains excite me. There are also a fair number of angels, appreciated for their beauty instead of any deep religious commitment. I also have a Gautama Buddha on my dining room table. I appreciate those things that speak to some part of me, no matter their origin or intended meaning or use. I like what I like. I like goth style. I like gamers and geeks. I like tattoos and piercings. I like people that aren't afraid to be different...to search for themselves. On the other hand, I hate constant negativity. Woe is thee. Everyone has bad times...or if not, I'd like to know the secret outside of being totally oblivious. (I've met a few) But some people seem to hold their pain to themselves. They don't seem to be able to move forward...perhaps they think it is safer to stand still even if they are miserable. But I lose focus. Yes, we all suffer. We all have bad things happen. Somethings can not be avoided and somethings must be suffered. But when it comes to daily living, I prefer to see the silver lining. When stuck in traffic, I turn on a favored CD and sip my coffee or open the moon roof and enjoy the sun...getting angry will not move the traffic. Silver lining: I have a little more time to myself. Of course it helps that I am salaried and can not be late for work. I am a realist not an idiot. When I started blogging I promised myself that it would not be a rant about how much daily life sucked and all the things that got me down. But since writing is self therapy, I often need to address those things that irritate me...but instead of bitching, whining and moaning, I approach them with humor. I am a natural born smart-ass. I'll admit it. Actually, I cherish that part of my personality. It is amazing what you can say, as long as you're smiling. So I am complex...like everyone else. People say I am weird, odd, unusual. Maybe because I will say what others will only think. Or, more likely, because I will say what they are afraid to think. They will ask what fun things I've done...but they would never do them. Why not? Are they afraid of being judged as they judge me? Is it so horrible to be different? I prefer to be strange than stagnant.

Happy Boxing Day, eh

It's Boxing Day in Canada...in case you didn't know. I am all for one more reason to celebrate! So I sit here in the glow of my Christmas tree, in warm pajamas with a steaming mug of coffee, and raise a toast to our northern neighbors.  


Christmas 2009 in now in the history books. I was undoubtedly one of the longest, single day, Christmas celebrations I have ever enjoyed. From our morning gift exchange to dinner with friends. When I walked in late last night, I was exhausted...but in that pleasant, it's been a good day, kind of way.  


Contentment...feels good.

Cheers to old traditions...and new

There are many things we do every year to celebrate Christmas. The lights, tree, gifts, wrapping paper and bows. A few make occasional appearances...like eggnog. This year we are adding something new. We are going to have a brunch with our nonbiological family...the people we choose to celebrate with. I actually hesitated to give up my Christmas spent at home wearing my jammies all day. It's how we've done Christmas since the kids were small, as I refused to drag them all over town on Christmas day. But times change. The kids are grown...and slowly making lives of their own. I hope we will forever spend some part of our Christmas day together as we did this morning. But I never want to find myself sitting home alone on Christmas day. I hope there will always be doors open to me and someone that wishes to share my time. So now, I look forward to spending an afternoon with friends. Merry Christmas

Tis the season...

of syrupy sweet holiday commercials that remind me that I am a failure at life. Thanks Hallmark.

Ἀποκάλυψις

It occurred  to me, for whatever reason, that apocalypse and apostle seemed to have the same root word. This, of course, sent me on a search. As I frequently do, I discovered that my understanding of a word's meaning was inaccurate. 


Apocalypse is a Greek term applied to the disclosure to certain privileged persons of something hidden from the majority of humankind. Today the term is often used to refer to Armageddon, or the end of the world. (Wikipedia). 


So my understanding of the word has more to do with it's usage than actual meaning. It is easy to see the correlation between the two words when apocalypse is defined. The apostles, according to the Bible stories I remember, were privileged people of which information was disclosed...I have to wonder about the something hidden from the majority of mankind. 


But then, I've designed the puzzle, made up all the rules and drawn my own conclusions. Is my logic illogical?

Hearing voices

We all talk to ourselves inside our heads. At least I think we do. I have an announcer inside my head that makes random commentary. I have a hard time identifying this voice as talking to myself as it frequently says things that are just utterly bizarre. Today's example...  


As I drove around a curve on I65 this morning I was greeted with a sea of brake lights. My announcer voice comments, "I65 north is lit up like a Christmas tree at a whore house."  


I don't know who that is living inside my head, but I like them.

Life

I'm not really in the mood to write but sometimes things just come up that need to be noted. Life is so weird and interconnected and complicated. Both ends meet in the middle. I wonder how the hell we got here from there. I know, it's all confusing and not making sense. That's because I can't write about my subject matter. You know...people, are involved and other people don't need to know who's involved and the people involved don't need to know what I'm thinking about. Perfectly clear...right? And by the way, if you are reading this and wonder if you are involved...most likely not. The situation is history and removed from me by several degrees. Once again, I know things I wished I didn't...and you can never un-know something. Or maybe I can, since I wondered if I had known this before. It's not even important. I just wonder how it came to be.

Fictional

I saw a t-shirt today that said, "I'm in love with a fictional vampire."

Which begs me to ask, as opposed to what? A real vampire.

I also saw Twilight Barbie dolls...Bella and Edward anyway. Give me a break. I think the Barbie crowd is a little young for Twilight...but then, I know adults that have Star Wars dolls. Never mind.

Words

Another entry of words that strike a chord. These from the current book I am reading, Angels & Demons...in this case re-reading. Something I seldom do.

"cruelly reminded that his youthful spirit was living in a mortal shell."

How painful it is.

Thanksgiving

Let's get this out of the way...I hate Thanksgiving. The holiday and what it represents, or more accurately, I guess, the expectation that comes along for a ride. There will be no large gathering of family for me. I don't have a family left...no parents, grandparents or siblings. I have a few maternal aunts and uncles that I have never had much attachment to. That seems to be a relationship better bonded in childhood...they weren't there. I have one uncle from my Dad's side, Sammy, that I loved as a kid. He now lives in Florida. He's elderly. I call him when people, my parents, die. I wonder who will call me when he dies?

On to brighter subjects.

Today I will have my husband and our two sons. I need to find joy in the fact that I have the three of them. The family I made. I have been married almost 30 years...God, I am old. He has stuck it out through thick and thin and I'm not just talking about my weight. He is stubborn and determined to see me as a good person, despite all my flaws. My sons are still struggling to find their place in the world. Unlike many parents I am under no delusion that they are perfect. They make me angry, they make me sad, they make me laugh and they make me proud. I never expected perfect. I am happy to have them.

I am thankful for my job, despite how insane it drives me. It pays my bills, allows me to play and will hopefully afford me a return trip to Mexico in the Spring. I will have food on my table and a roof over my head.

I am thankful for friends, because of how insane they drive me. I am not sure what I did before them. Oh wait, that was the, "there's nothing to do" phase of my life. Now I am often upset because I can't possibly accommodate all the invitations. My friends are creative and enthusiastic about living. I am happy to have them.

My silver lining moment: While everyone else is rushing around trying to get everything just perfect (the house, the food, the clothes) and worried about who will spill wine on the carpet, knowing someones out of control kids will break something and that some people will show up way too early and others will be way too late...I will be having a relaxing day at home. I may even spend the day in my PJ's, my house, my prerogative. No kids. No complaints. Everyone...kiss the cook.

Saga of a tattoo

I got a new tattoo Saturday. It would be too long of a story to tell from the beginning...let's just say, it was a long time in the making. The idea started out, once upon a time, as a crescent moon and sun. An image I found myself drawn too, which might explain the frequency in which it is seen. That was a problem. I did not want something that was so common. The idea faded and resurfaced, only to be put away again. Then I started to look at it differently. What if I could have the same idea...but different. Eventually the crescent moon morphed into a dragon, another fondness of mine that is ubiquitous, and the sun into a phoenix. Immediately I knew I was on to something. I, however, lack all but rudimentary (stick figures) art skills. I took my idea to my tattoo artist. There is a reason they're called artists. He drew it up, we revised and the finished product was unveiled...on my back. I doubt anyone will ever look at it and see a sun and a moon. But I do. I see the moon fighting for it's place in the sky.

Bill Engvall

Just explained what makes us different than other people. He explains that everyone has weird thoughts...just most people keep them to themselves.

It made me laugh.

It's been weird lately

I have just had a lot of weird stuff going on lately....I mean weird stuff, mostly in my head. Weird random thoughts...but not all of it.

First I'd like to point out that it is not I before E except after C...it's a stupid mnemonic because it's wrong. But mnemonic is a pretty cool word. This comes to you after misspelling weird a number of times in that first sentence.

On to random thoughts...see previous blog entry for the kitten incident. No there was no incident, I promise. I would not dunk a kitten in water. I'm allergic and I'm sure it trying to climb up my arm would not end well. Damn, I'm itching just thinking about it. I had a few, let's say not so nice....won't be publicly exposed, thoughts recently. How can I say this without saying this? The voice in my head expressed my displeasure with a situation in terms of which I am not usually accustomed to...and I am accustomed to a lot. I just have to wonder where this language previously lived before surfacing in the forefront of my brain? It isn't really so much the language, as the phrases, the compilation of words into new and previously unexplored expressive terminology.

On to random incidents. I was driving down a subdivision street this morning on my way to work. It was still dark outside. There was a TARC bus stopped in the opposing lane, not an unusual occurrence. I guess they wait there if they are running ahead of schedule. As I was approaching the TARC bus, a school bus passed it in my lane. After the school bus passed, I started along side the TARC. There was another vehicle behind the TARC waiting for me to pass, and their lights were very bright. As I was passing, my brain warned me to look for the runner. I couldn't see anybody, but I slowed down and looked towards the shoulder of the road. My brain kept warning me, and as I passed the other vehicle and his lights were no longer glaring into my eyes I saw the runner...just to the right of me. If I had swung out to give the bus more clearance, I would have hit him before I saw him. I have no idea what I'd seen or perceived that set off the alarm, but I'm glad I listened. To add to the strangeness, I had posted that I was feeling lucky on my Facebook profile about 15 minutes earlier.

Another incident, but slightly more humorous...and, I promise, shorter. I was headed down a flight of stairs yesterday at work. There were two women just ahead of me, as they turned on the landing to head down the next flight one of them noticed me...for the first time. I apparently have an unusual ability to move very quietly. She screamed...ear piercing, high-pitched, only a girl could do scream, and in the enclosed stairwell it just echoed. Once she realized that I wasn't a serial killer stalking the hospital corridors, we all had a good laugh.

If she only knew. ::weg::

It's all about how you think.

Today I heard an ill person being described as, "weak as a kitten." Not an unusual phrase, and one that is generally accepted and well understood. But the little voice that lives inside my head declared, I bet if I dunked the kitten in water and set it on your head, you would re-evaluate that statement.

I'm not sure who the voice belongs to.

No kittens were harmed in this delusion.

Derogatory

It is very unfortunate when something in our lives suddenly takes on a new cultural meaning in society. I know a very sweet, demure, lady doctor...named Kevorkian. She has no relation to the infamous Dr Kevorkian, but imagine the reaction she gets every time she introduces herself. It only takes one person to defame a beloved family name. A few that come to mind...Hitler, Gacy, Manson. Imagine having the last name Mullet...especially if you had one.


During a recent conversation, I mentioned my intent to get a tattoo on my back. Someone asked, if I knew what that was called? I pointed out the fact that my tattoo would be between my shoulder blades...not in the region of the lower back. This particular person seemed to find the phrase, tramp stamp, quite amusing. I don't find the term amusing. It might be just a bit of a pet peeve, but I hate that something that was presumably important to someone...something permanent, has garnered such a negative connotation. If I ever were to get a tattoo on my lower back and someone called it a tramp stamp...I think I'd introduce them to another meaning of tramp.

This just in...

the Senators and Congressmen from Kentucky have no balls. This condition is caused by the, not so rare, condition of re-election.


The state's budget, like most of it's citizens, is strapped. There is no savings account...we're broke. Broke budgets are fixed one of two ways, raise money...taxes, or cut spending...services. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pay higher taxes either. It isn't the action, so much as the motive that bothers me. They know if they piss off the constituency, bye-bye cushy high paying job. They are looking out for themselves, not the people of Kentucky. Our elected officials know people remember who voted to raise taxes and those voters carry a grudge. But when the neighbor gets burglarized because of early release programs, we just thank our lucky stars and buy a gun/dog/alarm. The same goes for when your SUV drops into a pothole the size of a Smart Car this winter. You won't be thinking about that election next year.


The politicians may not have balls...but apparently the condition doesn't effect their brains, ego, self-preservation or wallets....just ours.

Bad Movie Night

We sat down tonight with a stack of unwatched DVDs and picked two. The first, "The Happening" a M. Night Shyamalan movie. I have to admit that I sat down expecting to be confused at the end of the film. That has been my experience with his movies. The bases of the movie always looks interesting and I am drawn in, only to find myself wondering what it was about when it's over. I don't think I could possibly explain it better than my husband, when he said, "I could have done so many other things with 2 hours of my life."

As the second movie slid into the player I had even greater doubts. I had watched "Twilight" in theaters...with less than an enthusiastic response. But I had not read the book...which I am embarrassed to admit, I read through at a ravenous pace. Anyway, after reading the book, I wanted to see the movie again. I thought I might understand it more. I will say, that for the first time ever, I enjoyed a movie more because of the book...knowing what was going on made it easier to watch.

Now my husband can fret about losing 4 hours of his life.

Great Words

After a wonderful impromptu dinner, a dozen of us sat around the living room of a friend's house. We laughed, told stories and playfully made fun of each other...as comfortable friends will. One of the girls said something about her weight and the need to lose a few pounds...several of us agreed that we shared that boat with her. Most of us have a few extra pounds and we are not oblivious to that fact. That is when one of the guys, sitting back in the corner, said something that was so wonderful to hear. He commented that the only time he wanted to see ribs on a woman, was at Mark's Feed Store. God love you Ben...cause I sure do.

Age

Last night someone mentioned the first time he met me he thought my age was a typo...he had seen my online profile. It wasn't because I looked older/younger than my stated age, it was because of what I was "doing". In this particular case I was LARPing.  


LARP: A role-playing game in which the participants assume the roles of fictional characters. Participants determine the actions of their characters based on their characterization, and the actions succeed or fail according to a formal system of rules and guidelines. Within the rules, players have the freedom to improvise; their choices shape the direction and outcome of the game. There is a variety of role-playing game in which players perform their character's physical actions, known as live action role-playing games.  


He, as a few others have been, were amazed that an "older" person was playing.  


Why?  


Why is it that people assume that as we get older we must give up (or not become involved) in things we enjoy? Yes, I am a little slower than I used to be...but I can still outrun some of those young pups. Actually, I wasn't much of a runner, even as a kid.  


I hear women say they are getting too old for long hair. I don't understand this at all. I can understand if you don't want to mess with it, or if it is unattractive...but what does age have to do with it?  Are little girls too young for short hair?


I watched my parents spend their lives working, watching TV and sleeping. They seldom did anything for fun...especially once I moved out. They always seemed tired. Yes, I am tired too. I work long stressful hours...but I think I should be rewarded for my efforts. I go to work so I can afford to play. I can't always afford a long vacation to a tropical local, but I can afford dinner with friends, an occasional movie...and every so often an escape from reality.  


I have this fear that it I slow down, if I stop moving, I won't be able to get going again. I prod myself sometimes, even when I don't feel like it...when vegging on the couch seems like a perfectly acceptable alternative. And yes, sometimes I do allow myself a lazy day...day, one. My body does not accept more, unless I am sick. There seems to be a perpetual motor that requires winding...insists on motion, nagging at every fiber of my being.  


Maybe, one day, I will forced to slow down...if I live that long. But in the mean time, I will pursue life, not just let the time trickle through my fingers unheeded.  


Go to the park today and find a swing. Turn your face up to the sun, see how high you can go and laugh with pure pleasure. You may be amazed by how good it feels.

Hot to trot

Long story, short version...someone was teasing me this weekend about being "hot to trot". I've heard the phrase many times but never directed at me. Later, I wondered to myself how the phrase is meant. Is it a compliment or an insult?

It's one of those phrases that you, kind of, sorta, think you know what it means. My first thought was the fact that horses are warmed up prior to running and therefore hot to trot. I wasn't sure how that became a sexual reference. So a little research was in order.

The general consensus of the online dictionaries: Ready and willing, eager. Sexually avid, lascivious. Both slangy usages allude to a horse eager to get going.

So I wasn't too far off on the horse thing. But I'm still not sure about the intention of the term.

I do like the term lascivious...characterized by or expressing lust or lewdness, wanton. Tending to excite lustful desires.

Let the good times roll

I attended a LARP yesterday for the first time in two years. What a wake up call.

For those uninitiated, a LARP (live action role playing) is a game that can take several forms, but basically you design, then portray, a character in a story. I like to think of it as live video gaming. Instead of running a character around in a virtual world, you have to drag your ass off the couch and actually DO something. That is exactly where the wake up call hit. I forgot how much walking I do at this particular LARP. The location is Camp Piomingo at Otter Creek Park. If you've ever been there, you know how big the place is (360 acres) and I I've walked from one side to the other and end to end...usually more than once during an event. This particular game runs from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. I just went out for 8-9 hours Saturday and still felt exhausted...happily exhausted. The weather was perfect and I was running around in the woods. I had really missed doing it but, as I said before, had forgotten about how physical it is. Walking, running, boffer (usually PVC pipe covered in foam and wrapped in duct tape to form a "weapon") fighting. But I really do feel better for the experience.

I think that is true with most things. We forget the little details for the pleasure of the experience. We look forward to the holidays...but we forget what an ass Uncle Larry really is until everyone gathers at the table. New Moms forget the morning sickness and miserable nine months at the sight of their newborns. I'm sure there are plenty of examples of our selective amnesia.

There probably won't be another event until Spring, but I hope to be there, running around in the woods, casting magic, wielding my foam sword and telling stories of great victories, fallen comrades and perhaps some treachery...and laughing, even if my feet hurt.

Catching up

It has been brought to my attention, even though I had noted myself, that I was not writing. It's been about 6 weeks. I usually enjoy writing and consider it self therapy...so the last 6 weeks have been wonderful? Not exactly. I can't really say why I haven't written. Work has sucked and I prefer not to write about the negative. I have been distracted my new shineys...and Fall weather...and friends. Life outside of work is good.

So what's happening?

Well it's November. Happy All Saint's Day. How the hell did it get to be November all ready? Thanksgiving in 3 weeks, Christmas next month!!! Whoa, I'm not ready for any of this. Can we go back to the beginning of September and start over?

Daylight Savings Time ended last night...fall back. What a load of crap! Does this really benefit anyone anymore, or is it just to annoy people like me with little internal alarm clocks? Let's change the time by half a hour then leave it freaking alone.

Last month Kentucky put on a big campaign about October being, "Walk to school month." Did anyone else see the irony in this? They're encouraging kids to walk to school for exercise and the benefits for the environment, but they bus the kids all over BFE, therefore few kids actually live close to the school they attend. Plus I'm pretty sure all those school buses criss-crossing the county are just excellent for the air we breathe. So here is my suggestion...have the buses drop the kids a block or two from school in the morning and a block or three from home in the afternoon. BLAM...kids getting exercise! Of course, I'm sure some parents and maybe a few school board members might raise a ruckus about safety and liability. Hey, if the kid is big enough to get bused across the county, sometimes even making bus changes, surely they can walk a couple of blocks unsupervised. I mean all the neighborhoods are safe, right? I mean, pedophiles can't live near schools or anything. Or maybe we could use the money we spend in gas to upgrade the schools so that all kids get a decent education...and maybe have a gym teacher. Who would have thought it?

Jeez, I feel better. That's my 2 cents for the day. Take it or leave it.

Life

Life from the beginning looks all new and exciting...all endless possibilities. We set our feet on a path with that first tentative step towards independence. At the other end, a lifetime viewed by other people appears to be a straight line from the beginning. People look back along that straight line and remember the events that occurred as the person traveled along that line.

I guess I am somewhere in the middle of the trip. I look back and see the line that got me to where I am and I look forward at a path that is vague, not yet set in stone. However, as I look back along that line I realize that is was never a straight line, but more one with feathered edges...all the paths not taken. Some crossroads are more distinct than others...conscious choices I made to do this, not that. Things that may have had a significant impact on the here and now, except, I suspect, there would not be a here and now if I had turned left instead of right. Sometimes I wish I had explored a little further down one of those veins...but I wonder what other events would have been set in motion. I can see so many places my roads could have taken me and I wonder if I would have been happier, sadder? Would I have so many wonderful people in my life? Different people? And every step down a different path would not only have effected me but every life I have ever touched...would they be happier? I am sure I have made a difference. I am not so sure it has always been positive.

There is no way to know what life could have been...or what it will be. I see a shimmering path to the horizon, like heat off payment on a sweltering summer day. I take steps forward, one foot in front of the other, knowing that the edges are feathered with options all around. Around every corner there may be a crossroads, a life decision, that may not even seem important until looked back upon. But standing still is not an option. So I set off down the yellow brick road and I hope that in the end when someone looks down my straight line they will find things to admire, laughs shared and stories to tell. I hope that I have done more good than harm.

Consider this...

I want you to consider this question: What would you want to have if you became stranded on a tropical island?

We'll get back to that in a moment while you consider your options.

A few more questions I've heard that the answers seemed more than obvious to me:

1. What's the number 1 cause of teen pregnancy?

2. What's the number 1 cause of mortality in the United States?

The answer to 1, according to most sources, is the lack of sex ed in schools. On question 2 the prevelant answer is heart disease.

Do you have your list of supplies ready yet? What if I limited you to, say, three. Does that narrow it down?

My answer to question 1...sex is the number 1 cause of teen (or any other) pregnancy. And the leading cause of mortality...death. Does it really matter from what?

Finished packing? Ready to travel? What 3 things did you decide on?

Personally if I get stranded on a tropical island, I want....

A credit card and a luxury hotel...and eventually an airport.

It's all about how you think.

Opening the door

I have a grumble. A thought that keeps recurring about something that bothers me...quite a bit actually. I keep thinking about how to open that door. How to say what is on my mind without it all going horribly wrong, as it often does. That is the problem with speaking your mind, it allows others the freedom to do the same. Sometimes this allows all kind of little nasties out of the bottle....some of which, will fight like hell to prevent being stuffed back in like they never existed.

Sometimes, no matter how you rearrange the words, it comes out sounding like an accusation. Accusations lead to defensiveness. Defensiveness leads to arguments. Arguments lead to nothing gets accomplished. And I am back to grumbling about something that bothers me...a lot.

Discovery

I am in a constant state of discovery about myself and the world around me. I would like to think this is true of most people, but sadly it is not so. Some people live in a very small world following the same trajectory day after day. For whatever reason their orbit never changes and life travels fast and soon they are left behind.

After such grand thoughts, here are a few recent discoveries...

I can never be suspicious because I find a wayward hair, no matter what color it is.

I own five pair of identical pants, except color. Three of them are various shades of khaki...light, dark, olive. The other two...brown and black. I am not an exciting dresser.

I washed laundry and had 3 unmatched socks.

The advantage to tinted car windows is nobody can see in. The disadvantage to tinted car windows is nobody can see in. This being based on what is going on inside the car.

Aren't you glad I shared?

Dumpster diving

I was on Facebook recently, jumping from profile to profile through friends of friends of friends. I came across a profile that made me wonder how sad this persons life must be. A profile that they themselves had designed to represent something about who they are, where they've been or even where they are going. Their "About me" listed the high school they graduated from. This person graduated high school 30 years ago. I guess it is true, some people never find better glory days.

Self perception and comfort zone

Recently I was invited to a birthday party. The guest of honor, the birthday boy himself, had requested a goth theme. Easy enough for me to do. I had not had an opportunity to pull out my favorite goth gear in a while and found myself very excited at the prospect. Eventually, I found myself in a long black skirt, slit to the hip, black combat style boots, black lace sleeveless shirt and fishnet stockings...add pale makeup, dramatic eyes and black lipstick. This outfit was comfortable, like a long lost friend.

As we headed out to the party, my husband looked me up and down and mentioned we were going to have to stop at a store to pick up supplies. I assured him that I was not concerned about walking into a store dressed as I was. So of course he picked a tiny, little, locally owned, grocery. As soon as I stepped from the car, I knew heads were swiveling. I held my head up, looking straight forward, smiled and paid them no mind. I was perfectly comfortable.

Next stop, a little neighborhood liquor store. The reaction of the men as I walked through the doors made me smile even brighter. This was not the place we usually shop...as they have almost gotten used to some of the outfits, purple wigs, etc that I have been known to wear for events. As I made my purchase, the man behind the counter wished me a fine evening three times.

Today, I crawled out of bed, destination...grocery store. I grabbed a summer dress that I normally only wear around the house. It is brightly colored (for me), patterned and best of all very comfortable. It slides down the body as if you are wearing nothing. I have never worn this dress past the boundaries of my yard. It is comfortable to wear, but I am not comfortable in it. I walked into Kroger and immediately felt like everyone was staring. I felt the need to be smaller, less noticeable, even though I was wearing a more socially accepted, bought at Target, dress.

It's all about being where you are comfortable.

In the beginning...

Vampires are everywhere...the beastie du jour. Zombies are creatures of the midnight movie. A fairy greets you at the beginning of everything Disney. Elves abound. Little girls dream of unicorns...and big boys dream of mermaids. We are surrounded by stories of these creatures of myth.

Listen carefully as I tell you a story about the creatures that are real, not just those that go bump in the night...but those that walk in the light. The movement you sense, when no one is there. The shadow that raises goosebumps and sends you scurrying away. The cold chill in a warm room. They are among us, you feel them, catch glimpses and explain it all away...to save yourself and your sanity.

But what if...they took form?

Recent encounters

To the person in the Mommy van that took the shoulder in a screeching, rock sliding halt, rather than making both of your vehicles significantly shorter...thank you.

To the guy on the motorcycle that popped a wheelie and rode it down the highway, cool stunt...but your an idiot.

To the guy that said he bet I'd be beautiful if I smiled...nope, it just changes the way I look.

A bargain?

I heard an advertisement on the radio that said they could help you decrease the amount you owe to the IRS, if you owed $10,000 or more. Just call this toll free number. Give them your name and social security number. Go to jail, go directly to jail. Would somebody that owes the government that kind of money be stupid enough to turn themselves in? Yes, they will save you money...in exchange for jail time. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe not. Good luck with that.

Too many Y's and not enough P's and Q's

Why do I still wonder about people I have not seen or talked to in over 30 years? You cross my mind on a regular basis.

Why do I want to pick up the phone and check on a former friend, that decided she no longer wanted me to be a part of her life, when I know she could be in danger?

Why would people drive through deep water? It's called a car, not a boat, for a reason.

Why do people have affairs without considering the long term consequences? Is instant gratification so important?

Why am I always asking questions?

Why do I never get answers?

Why do I care?

Why?

Ghosts in the economy

If you turn the television on, read a paper or have any social interaction at all, you know the economy sucks. Jobless rates are through the roof and foreclosures on homes have skyrocketed. None of this is news. Drive through any subdivision and count the "SALE" signs or overgrown lawns. I noted this earlier in the year. I am noticing more businesses closed...some that have a long history. I know that I am not telling you anything that you have not noticed yourself. But, I may have a new one. The local (to my home) Catholic church is for sale. There is no new shiny building for the congregation, just a big yellow sign out front announcing it's for sale. I find this especially odd since church attendance usually increases in hard times. This is no little fly by night church. That church has been in that spot over 40 years...with a school, auditorium and sports fields. It's even where we vote. There always appears to be an overflow crowd at Mass...at least from the looks of the parking lot. Their summer picnic fouls local traffic for an entire weekend.

Anybody in the market to buy a church?

Karma does not exist

I have a car that I like. It isn't a fancy car or expensive...as cars go. Buy it's mine and I'd like to keep it in good shape. I am very selective about where I park. I want to avoid those people that don't seem to understand that my car door does not want to make the acquaintance of theirs. My last car was three years old when I traded it in and there were no dings, dents or scratches.

As I wish others to be respectful of my property, I try to reciprocate. One way in which I do this is making sure my shopping cart is secured when I am finished with it. That is what those little metal thingys taking up parking spaces are for...you might have seen one once.

This is how I know karma does not exist. Because I will find the errant, run away cart against MY car...parked in the north forty.

Ambiguity

I was asked why, when I posted, why the entries are often vague. This was queried by someone that happened to know the subject matter of a particular post, even though the subject was not specifically mentioned. There is a method to my madness, I mean why else be mad?

I think that by being vague, by examining the impact more so, it allows others to see themselves in my writing. I think that is more interesting than the day to day trivia of my life. By allowing others to make it personal, maybe it will give them another perspective.

But then...maybe that's just crap.

Reflection

Sometimes things happen in life that make you study yourself in the mirror just a little bit harder. Are your eyes the same? The set of your mouth? Do you look suddenly older, like you feel? Was it there all the time but you hadn't looked for it until now. Do you recognize heartbreak, insanity, loneliness? Scars on the heart, mind and soul are not visible but when the pain is felt so keenly it is sometimes hard to believe that others can not see them.

Something to think about...

What would you think about a person that talks to someone...invisible?

What do you think of a person that makes wishes...and expects them to come true?

Just asking.

Who, what, when and where

A recent conversation got me to thinking about the "in crowd" also known as the "popular kids". I don't think I have ever fit into either of these categories as I have never seen fit to conform to other people's ideas of who or what I should be. Changing just to fit in seems a high price to pay to me. This often left me feeling like the outsider, always looking in. There was a time, in high school, that bothered me...as we all want nothing more than to belong at that age. But even then, I never found a group of people that made me feel at home. I wasn't a jock, cheerleader, band, preppy, geek, stoner or brain.

This leads me to a more recent line of thinking. How much we make decisions about WHO we are and how much is just... happenstance. Did you make a decision about what you do for a living or did you just wind up there? I went to college to be a Physical Therapist, only to discover I'd have to "go away" to obtain the degree. Being the mom of two small children, that wasn't very feasible. So I changed my destination to Nursing. I worked as a bedside nurse for five years, quickly discovering that I hated it. So now I work in a position that requires the nursing degree but that I had never heard of, didn't even know it existed, until about two years before I applied. I am sure this is not an unusual story. Life happens. It isn't a long straight road, for most of us we're lucky if we have a clue what is around the next bend. How many of us live and die in the same state, if not community, that we were born in? Is it choice, or are the roots too deep before we notice? Religion is a big one for me. I believe most people worship the same as their parents, spouse or the prevalence of their community. My Mother swore that I was Catholic, even though outside of weddings or funerals I've not been to mass in over 30 years. She maintained I was Catholic because I was baptized that way...something, mind you, that occurred when I was an infant with absolutely no say. I think some people have given more thought to their diet choices and fashion sense than they have the vehicle, if you believe, that conveys eternity. That doesn't make good sense to me. I hold in high regard people that make informed, conscientious choices about their lives.

I also wonder how often we take things we've been told as truth...without ever really investigating them. We just believe because somebody said so. I wonder how many untruths I unknowingly hold to be true. How am I supposed to know?

I wonder a lot.

It's a Harry situation

I just sat through the latest adventures of Harry Potter. I say sat through, not enjoyed, because the lady sitting one seat over discussed the movie with her 7 or 8 year old daughter throughout the entire movie. I mean how rude! You are doing your child a disservice buy not teaching her proper theater etiqutte...not to mean annoying the hell out of the rest of us. The theater was not even crowded, at 12:30 on a Monday afternoon, you could have sat away from others if you were going to discuss every plot twist. If she isn't old enough to get it, then leave her home...or wait for the video, at which point you can discuss in the privacy of your own home.

It's all relative.

How do we learn the meaning of words? Sure there was all those years in school, but I suspect a lot of words we learn from conversations. How simple it is to misunderstand the meaning of a word that we hear.

I recently received a message on a social networking site asking me if I believed in incest. The sender hoped I wouldn't think him weird. He was in his twenties. My assumption is, somewhere along the line he has heard the word incest, the story must have involved a significant age difference. That is what he has now defined in his brain as incest. He must have missed the entire concept of the familial relationship between the two people.

It now makes me wonder how many words I have wrong in my head. It's not like I've looked up every word I've ever heard.

The never ending story

I don't know if I have ever explained the design of my blog...nor do I know if anybody cares. But it's my story to tell....

Once upon a time in a childhood far, far away there was a little girl. This little girl had one nightmare that sent her scurrying to her parent's bedroom over and over. It is the only nightmare I remember from my childhood. I was being chased by a full orange moon. Terrifing huh? I have no idea why I found that so frightening...or memorable.

I alway think of an orange moon as a blood or sanguine moon, though technically the name refers to the full moon in October, also known as the Hunter's moon. There is a much more technical and somewhat confusing explanation, but unnecessary for my purpose. So this is the image and name I chose for my blog...a sanguine moon.

As for my pseudonym...Echo. The sound of my own voice. My blog, my voice. Alone. Sometimes so alone I swear I hear it reverberate...echo in my own mind. Sometimes that echo of a thought, repeatedly, is what drives me to write. To clear my mind...to chase away the fears of a little girl all grown up.

blah. blah. blah.

I have sat down multiple times over the last week and started to write only to find a dead end. The words refuse to come, nothing flows. I start, stutter and delete. Here I am again. I think I realized the problem...I was trying to write about myself. Not what I think about...but about me. Apparently not one of my better subjects.

And here I am, stuck again.

No flash of insight.

No breakthroughs.

Nothing.

So why do I sit down to write? Habit? I don't know, there just seems to be something lurking in the recesses waiting to get out. It will come...eventually.

Thank you

I do not do my job for gratitude, I do it for a paycheck...as socially incorrect as it is to admit it. My job can be challenging. I work hard. I make a difference. I sometimes like what I do...sometimes. But ever now and then someone will thank me for what I do...and mean it. It feels good. Maybe that is the sometimes.

A germ by any other name...

Listen up people...

It's a staph infection, S-T-A-P-H...that's staphylococcus. It is not a STAFF infection. Hospital acquired infections occur, but they are never, ever, referred to as staff infections. The proper term is nosocomial.

You would be amazed at how often this causes concern and confusion....now you know.

I call bullshit

I briefly heard a man talking on a radio talk show this morning...and it was brief, I will admit, as I don't listen to talk radio. But just the one statement I heard sent me on a mental rampage. He said something along the lines of, people were being financially exploited because of all the liquor stores and lottery outlets in a certain neighborhood. What? Sorry, I have to call bullshit! I don't care what kind of stores are in my neighborhood...I don't have to buy what they're selling. I go to the grocery every week...I walk right past the cookies, candy and chips. Nobody is making me spend my money.

Stores are not going to flourish where they are not supported. If you have 3 liquor store in a mile, it's because they can all get enough business to succeed. And you think because you ban a business from a geographical location...an absurdity in itself with maybe the exception of schools, that people are not going to haul their asses to the nearest available vendor of what they want? Again...bullshit.

Business are just that, a business selling a product that enough people want and will spend money for to keep that business viable. And it doesn't have to be the local neighborhood bar.What happened to freedom of choice and personal responsibility? If someone is spending all their money getting drunk and hoping to hit it big on the lottery they are not being exploited...they're being stupid. Where they live has nothing to do with it. I wonder if there are any mental health and substance abuse clinics nearby...and how's business?

Shiver me timbers

I was awoke this morning at 5AM by a growl that sent my body into immediate fight or flight response...those old primal responses are alive and well in this modern human.

I share my home with a 90+ pound black lab. He does most of his growling in his sleep, something I find endlessly amusing...not menacing. But this morning he let out a sound that I had me wide awake and heart pounding, adrenaline flowing, in an instant. Now mind you, this dog was nowhere near me...in fact we were on different floors. I had never heard him utter such a vicious sound and I have had him over 7 years...that suddenly explains all the scratching, 7 year itch!!! ha ha ha. Okay, you had to be there.

Anyway...I jump out of bed, throw on a gown and head for the stairs. There was an instant of hesitation as I considered arming myself from a selection of available weapons...swords, knives, whips, chains...for the sake of honesty, I will admit that I do not own a chain that is weapon worthy. About this time my dog barks/yips and I fore go armament and go to check out the situation.

My dog is standing at the glass back door, hackles at full attention and the motion sensor light is on. Now it is good to note that whatever has him acting like a vicious guard dog is actually still on the outside of my house. I walk over to the door to have a look and to my dismay...there are, count them 1, 2, 3 pugs standing on my deck. The three of these dogs combined would add up to half of my dogs weight. So what is his issue that has woke me at 5 in the morning ready for battle??? They are licking the empty take-out container that his dinner had been in. You got to be kidding me...are you senile? I tell him to go lay down...after assuring him that he was a good baby and I go back to bed.

But apparently, at least one of these pugs is horribly confused and think they live here and want in. How do they express this desire? But of course, they cry, whine and yes...even howl. A thin, nails on chalk board, plaintive cry. I wonder which power in the universe is finding this roll on the floor, side aching, funny?

Hilarious.

I consider my options, most of which involve me getting up, dressed and heading outdoors. I opt for a pillow over my head and hopes that the racket will be annoying enough to wake up another member of my sleeping family. Fat chance.

I eventually win the quest for sleep...for a few hours. I get up this morning, start coffee and go to let the dog out and there is still one lone pug waiting at my back door. Little dude, on second glance dudette, you are horribly lost and confused. This is not your house, you do not live here and NO you can not come in. I eventually had to chase her off and close my gate. I don't have to close the gate for my dog, he knows his boundaries.

I've never seen these 3 dogs before...perhaps a new neighbor. But I have a few suggestions...keep your dogs in YOUR yard, I already have one and don't want yours. Not to mention the legal and health issues...and danger to your little dogs running around in the dark. Second, put a collar and tags on them. At least that way I can call and wake your ass up at 5AM to come and get them.

Sweeping dust into a pile

A random assortment of thoughts...just how my brain works.

I saw the word "undomiciled" today. So now we have a politically correct term for homeless. Personally, I hope it doesn't catch on.

I walked out of work today and wondered if it was raining...it was a very light sprinkle. I confirmed to myself that it was indeed raining when I noted the rain freckles on the sidewalk. That's a term I'd like to see catch on. "Look, there are rain freckles on the windshield." I have no clue why my brain thought of rain freckles...maybe because it's been undomiciled.

Have I mentioned that reading my blog is a waste of time? It is solely for my enjoyment and the unclutterment of my mind. Is unclutterment a word? It is now...my blog, my word.

I guess that is all for now. I've given the world two new words and a cute and totally useless phrase. Hey, what do you want for free?

An open letter to the Louisville Fire Fighters and Crusade for Children

First off, I support your dedication and your cause. We write a check every year and drop change at numerous locations throughout the summer. But when you come into our neighborhood at 10AM on a Saturday morning I must cry FOUL!

Have you ever considered the panic you may cause by the wail of sirens in a neighborhood?

Not to mention the sheer lack of courtesy. There are lots of people that enjoy sleeping in on Saturday...or worse just dropped into bed after a long night at work. Nurses, for example, work 7PM-7AM...you allow them just enough time to fall asleep before blasting through their neighborhood...repeatedly. This morning, vehicles kept circling our block, creating a nonstop raucous for at least 30 minutes.

I am reconsidering my donation. Maybe if enough of us do so, you'll go away...or at least rethink your tactics. There are plenty of quiet, considerate, organizations out there that would love to take my money.

Quiet

I was asked yesterday why I haven't been writing. I've also had people express concern because I've been quiet...not a normal state of being. I'm not sure, I've just been tired, preoccupied, distracted. The little voice inside my head that find so much amusement in even the inconsequential has been absent and I've been too tired to go looking for it.

Today was an unexpected day off from work. It feels much like a snow day back in school. Get up in the morning, start getting ready and the phone rings...no work. It doesn't happen often enough to be distressing. So I undressed and went back to bed, wondering if I'd be able to go back to sleep...sleep isn't always the easiest thing for me. I woke up three hours later. I feel much better now, like a starving man that has food handed to him. For the first time in a while I don't feel so exhausted...though after eating breakfast, I think I could go back to sleep.

But while I am sitting here alone, in the quiet, I'll share a few thoughts...are you just dying with anticipation? OOOOoooo, there's the old me.

Train derailment at the zoo...

How many of us have ridden that train? Goes to prove danger lurks around every corner even where we perceive none. I mean, we believe roller coasters are safe but there is still some element of danger...why else would we ride them if not for the adrenaline rush? But the train at the zoo??? I can remember laughing that we could get out and jog faster. It was a kiddie ride! Nobody would have been on there with an infant with the slightest concern for their safety. I wish them all well and 100% recovery...though a suspect some kids may have a lifelong fear of trains.

Survival...

Humans as a species are remarkably resilient. Nothing new in that sentiment. Some recent observations and conversations led me to thinking HOW we survive. It's as simple as one step in front of the other. Every time someone is faced with a crisis, be it death, divorce, betrayal or personal obstacle, that individual makes a choice...be defeated or move on. Sometimes a person will hesitate, admit defeat, and be stuck in one place for a time...but it is seldom the person remains there. It is just not compatible with survival...or I suppose with the human psyche. Or maybe I just don't hang around with quitters.

The well is dry of deep thoughts now. I have a bonus day off from work, the sun is shining and it's cool outside so maybe I'll find something to get into...or maybe I'll take that nap.

Treasure Hunt

One of the annoying things about living with other people, and especially children, is the fact that your belongings don't stay put. This is especially true, but not limited to, dishes in my house. Tonight I went on a treasure hunt through a drawer looking for my ice cream scoop. I know I own one...actually two. Eventually I found one, which was all I really needed.

I can't help but wonder if there is someone, somewhere, dipping out ice cream and thinking they didn't know they owned an ice cream scoop. Enjoy!

A sad sight

As tends to be the case, a rainy Spring and the warmth of approaching Summer has brought about grass cutting season (and my allergies). This year I've noticed something different.

There are always those few people that will procrastinate mowing the lawn as long as possible...until the health department shows up or they're at actual risk of losing a small child. But this year I am noticing more overgrown lawns. The difference...the houses are empty. I don't know how long they've sat vacant over the winter. Their secret safe. The long grass announces their presences on nearly every street. It is a sad sight to see.

To the stalkers...

For the few that know me and actually find this blog, you will not find much new here as I have been duplicating myself. Scary thought, huh? After a few strange incidents I found myself wondering if Mojo would one day permanently, even if accidentally, delete my blog. I found that thought somewhat distressing. What I write may be of little relevance, but it is the journey of my life...my musings. I spend a great deal of time putting just the right words together to convey my thoughts and emotions. I would find it distressing to find myself staring at a blank page.

I actually prefer this format and the freedom it allowed me in expressing myself beyond my words in it's design. I had not publicly shared it's existence with others, it felt more private...like the journal once hidden beneath the mattress. Nothing about it said it was mine, no name identified it...and I just added the photo today. So here it is...the deep dark secret.

The giant vortex sucks me in

You know that feeling you get sometimes that the world is out to get you? Well, it seems, I just hit the mother lode. Actually, to tell the truth, it really isn't THAT bad. I've had bad times...and this is not one of them. Nobody is sick or dying. I didn't just loose my best friend. My dog did not get hit by a car. No earthquakes, fires, tornadoes or tsunamis. You know...life changing events. This is more like some prankster is out to get me. I know there are legends in many cultures about such an entity...none of which come to mind and I'm too lazy to Google search it at the moment.

Example...last night I decided on chips and salsa. Yum. I pour salsa into a bowl and open the cabinet for the chips. A box falls from the cabinet knocking the bowl (plastic) from my hand. The bowl hits the floor and salsa goes everywhere! Quit laughing. It is all down the front of me, it's on my white cabinets on both sides of the kitchen and about 5 feet out into my dining room. It is all over the dining room table and chairs...with white cushions. I know, I know...I was asking for it buying chairs with white cushions. Luckily it wiped right off. I spent the next 15 minutes, I guess, cleaning up...and losing any interest in actually eating the salsa.

This was not a lone incident. I have the fear that I am destined to actually hurt myself in some uncoordinated and completely humiliating act of unbelievable proportions. Yes...it has been that bad. I am surprised I didn't fall face down in the salsa while spraining my nose, or some other ridiculous feat.

Or maybe I'm just looking for a reason to stay in bed.

This desire was not helped today when some strange, unknown to me, kid rang my doorbell...repeatedly, waking up my sleeping, night shift working, son. The kid, middle school aged I'd guess, then complained to me that another, unknown to me kid, was going to beat him up. I know my response was probably not the proper one...but really, what concern is this to me? My angry, just woke up, son did yell at them to get out our yard. I may have reacted differently if this had looked to be of some real concern. But they acted, and fought, more like giggly school girls than boys at any risk of actually harming each other. Nope probably wouldn't have changed my mind....just I would have yelled at them to get out of our yard. I've raised my sons. I've dealt with the bullying and bullshit that goes with it. I have absolutely no desire to do it anymore, especially with kids I've never seen. Next thing I know I'll have some parent down here yelling I hurt Tommy's poor little feelings. Jeez.

On a final note...I have the phrase, "All the truths he tells you are lies." stuck in my head. I don't think it comes from anywhere except the deep recesses of my psyche...and no I don't have any reason to believe anyone is being untruthful to me.

Maybe I should take a look at my bed; safe, warm, quiet...

Star Trek

As usual, I will try not to spoil the movie for those that haven't seen it...what are you waiting for?

I enjoyed this movie. I watched the original Star Trek TV series as a kid...yes, I am that old! Though I have never really considered myself a Trekkie. I don't own a Star Fleet uniform, a com badge or a single solitary action figure. This movie is a prequel to that old TV series. It shows the assembly of the USS Enterprise crew. But it isn't like so many other tired attempts at ringing the last drop of life blood from a subject. This movie was fun! There were cheers and applause in the theater, several times actually. It was true to the characters that many of us remembered but still fresh. I left the theater happy. I had went with trepidation and not expecting much...I was wonderfully surprised.

Best Shirt

I guess just about everybody has had a favorite shirt at one time or another. The one you'd wear everyday...if people wouldn't make fun of you. It may grow old and a little ragged, but it's still your favorite. Imagine one day you open your closet and your favorite shirt is nowhere to be found. You search high and low, but nothing. No matter what you do you can't seem to reconnect. Sure, there are other shirts, lots of them. Same color, same style, same fabric...but not the same. There is no history with these shirts. You go on, buy a new one or two. But you always wonder what happened. You tell yourself that you really had outgrown the old shirt, that it really didn't fit you so well anymore. But it was so comfortable. Eventually a new shirt will become your favorite. You may have to shop for a while and try on lots of new ones. Then one day, down the road, the old favorite pops up out of nowhere. Can you have two favorites? Does that stand in opposition to the definition of favorite? Or is it time to toss the old shirt permanently? After all...it really doesn't fit anymore.



Look up metaphor.

Bella vs Sookie

I don't think I'll be in much danger of producing a spoiler here, but just in case...you've been warned.

I recently completed the Twilight series, then a slight dodge to the left and read the latest Harry Dresden/Butcher book, and now I have started on the first Sookie Stackhouse novel. It never occurred to me until now, that all of them have vampires.

Anyways...The Sookie Stackhouse series is written by Charlaine Harris and I am told the HBO series True Blood is based on them. I'm only 63 pages into the first book but I have already found it a bit disconcerting to discover an all too familiar story line...mortal meets vampire. One of them is telepathic and can hear the thoughts of every person in the world except for...you guessed it. In Twilight, Edward, the vampire, is telepathic and the mortal, Sookie, is in the Stackhouse book. I'm sure I'm not the only person that has noticed this glaring similarity. As I said I'm only 63 pages in, I'll hold my judgement for a while...but I am still reading. I am not above ditching a book that does not hold my attention. I don't know if Sookie will win me over...we'll see. Right now she just seems a little too perky, but then that may be easier to deal with than the insecure needy Bella.

Stark raving

I live in a world of stark contrasts.

Those words have been inside my head all afternoon. They're true, but I wonder why the sudden echo. Are they famous or quotable words from some movie? I never could...well with rare exception, do movie quotes.

My world is one of stark contrasts. Mostly having to do with who I am, who I need to be, who I am expected to be and who I want to be. Sometimes, I get them confused and the wrong person shows up and all hell breaks loose. I sometimes think I'm playing my own straight man...that would be a comedy, not sexual, reference. I could explain why that would never work as a sexual reference but then you'd scream your head was hurting and ramble off claiming to be bliiiiind.

That's how life works sometimes.

Don't kill the guys on horses

That would be the lesson I've learned in my first 24 hours of playing Oblivion. Actually there have been lots of lessons...most of them involving the buttons on the controller and the scrolling of menus. I am, at least, capable of defending myself...most of the time. Let's just say, that I am dead less often.

I bought my Xbox earlier this year and set about conquering Lost Odyssey. I discovered several problems early on...mainly the characters annoyed me and I hated the dream/movie sequences. I kept thinking, if I had the chance I'd kill several of my own party members. I managed through 3 of the 4 disks, then I ran into a problem that I couldn't solve...and didn't care. The linear design of the game kept me from wandering aimlessly, but it also kept me from exploring. The turn based fighting helped me learn the buttons but made the fights feel preordained. I absolutely hated all the swirly lights (dramatic effect?) wasting my time prior to every combat. I also did not like that I had to reach a certain save point before ending the game. That made it very difficult to play when time is often limited.

So Saturday, I traded in Odyssey for Oblivion...a game I have heard so many rave about. I spent many of my first hours being killed...by one particular gremlin witch that liked throwing electricity at me. But I found myself laughing that I was being thwarted so early in the game. I will also note here that I spent a tremendous amount of time designing the look of my character to hardly ever see her. I killed an Imperial Guard, quite by accident....I know, tell it to the judge. Except there isn't one. I paid my fine and happily went on my way. The next time I wasn't so lucky...no gold. What the hell, I resisted arrest and again went happily on my way...but not for long. Off to jail, do not pass GO!, do not collect $200. I did my time...and did not realize that when I was released, I was practically naked. That's a sense of humor for you.

I have no clue where I am, and only a slight clue as to where I may be going. Actually I'm standing in front of a gigantic wooden door...helpful? I didn't think so. I am enjoying the game. Hopefully I can keep myself occupied so that I do not feel like I am aimlessly wandering...unless that is exactly what I am doing.

Not applicable

On the outside looking in...or the inside looking out, but somehow separated by an invisible line of impenetrable barrier. A wisp. A thought, that holds you back. A choice once made. A decision, not forced. A hand never played. Leaving only what-ifs and maybes. No satisfaction gained. Irreversible. You don't want what you want. Can't have back what it was. No future...and what's the point if all you can do is look back? Looked upon through rose colored glasses...now cracked.

Snorkeling

Have you ever been snorkeling? I went for the first time a little over a week ago. I had booked the excursion from my safe, comfy, living room...then flew approximately 1181.54 miles, took a van, then a ferry, then a glass bottom boat to a reef at which point I am given flippers I can't walk in, a mask I can't breathe in, invited to jump into 40 feet of water and hyperventilate through a straw...all to look at fish? I ask, what was I thinking? I can stand on perfectly good dry land, breathing all the air I want and look at fish at most local pet stores...or travel approximately 89.5 miles and go to the aquarium in Newport. What have I learned from all of this?

I want to do it again!

Explains a lot

I am apparently surrounded by unseen forces, for arguments sake and because it's my blog, we'll call them fairies. I guess we could call them unicorns, but I refuse to believe that I would miss the evidence of something that big occupying even invisible space with me. I could also call them angels...or demons, but they seem much more benign. I also do not like trolls, as they are smelly...so I select fairies. These fairies seem quite content to live on the periphery of my world...stealing socks, poking holes in perfectly good shirts, moving things to trip me up. They seem endlessly amused by applying bright silver color to my hair while I sleep...so that I have to color it back to it's proper multi-toned hues every few weeks to keep from looking like a Christmas tree layered in tinsel. I mean if they want me all sparkly, how about jewelry? Not all of their activities are so detrimental, they can be rather helpful. Last Sunday when I went to bed, I forgot that my alarm clock was set to the god awful hour of 4:30AM (set the weekend before to clear security and catch the flight to Mexico). I set two alarms every night, one to radio, the second to an annoying beep-beep-beep sound that I do not want to start my day with...but have just in case I sleep through the radio. I have in a semi-dazed predawn mind wondered why someone was talking in my room while I was trying to sleep, before realizing it was the radio signaling time to start my day. Anyway, the fairies stepped in to rescue me from my oversight and turned the volume of the radio off! Thus allowing me to sleep undisturbed until the wonderful hour of 5:40AM! So I have to ask myself, is it worth it...or should I try mouse traps?

The end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calendar

On our recent trip to Mexico we visited the Mayan ruins at Tulum. We had the opportunity to discuss, in detail, the Mayan calendar with a local expert on the subject.

As you may, or may not know, many people believe the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world when it ceases on December 23, 2012. The calendar is very complicated and is based on the solar year and the agricultural seasons. It consists of 18 twenty day months, then a 5 day resting period before the next year begins....365 days. The man we were talking to laughed at the idea that the Mayan predicted the end of time by the conclusion of their calendar...this calendar was designed a few thousand years before the time of Christ. He said that once the written Mayan calendar was concluded in 2012...it would simply start over.

I guess we'll see in a few years.

More thoughts on Mexico

As the title says, a few more thoughts on Mexico...

We chose to walk on the street rather than the beach. It was the deepest, softest, sand I have ever encountered. The only place you could easily walk was along the surf.

Driving...I'm not sure if it's my imagination but people in other places are way worse than Louisville, and Louisville isn't great. Is it that I'm used to our brand of crazy? In Mexico I'm pretty sure the roads had lines, but nobody seemed to pay them any attention. If your vehicle fits into a space, then you can drive there. This often seems to include the shoulder of the road. You have everything from Mopeds to tour buses trying to occupy a limited space and traffic laws, including ALTO (STOP) signs, seem to be more of a suggestion than a hard and fast rule. I tried not to find out if pedestrians had the right away.

I asked the server at the tequilaria for his suggestion of best tequila...they're all inclusive so why not ask for the best. I was surprised that I had never heard of his recommendation...El Jimador. I was also surprised by how good the limes were.

The one thing that surprised us all...the wind! It is windy along the beach. I kept my hair pulled up...or I looked like a wild woman. This made it very pleasant, with temps in the upper 80's it was not hot at all. Nothing in any of the travel literature I read mentioned this. There were a number of weddings taking place at our hotel while we were there...I bet they were surprised too. I ran into one bride in the bathroom trying to untangle and rearrange her hair. The nearly constant wind contributes to the nearly constant sighting of sunburned individuals. No heat, no getting hot, no realization. Sometimes, it was bad...I mean, ouch! The spa actually offered a treatment for sunburn. It should have been a best seller.

You can bargain with the shops. You should bargain with the shops. But they do have a bottom dollar...and you should know your top dollar before you start. I walked into a small shop and found a sterling sun pendant with inlaid opal that I liked. I asked the price, as with many shops it was not marked...also as with many shops I was shown a number on a calculator. A number with way too many digits, I quickly divided by 10, though pesos are currently running 12-14 against the dollar, and told the shop keeper no thanks. He stopped me and used the calculator to figure up the dollar amount...$165 US. Again I said no. We bargained back and forth until he was down to $35. It was still more than I wanted to spend. A few days later, I went back and a different man offered me the pendant for $65 and would not go below $45. I came home without the pendant...maybe I'll check Ebay.

I know this one is going to sound weird (have you met me?) but there is no moon in Mexico. I swear I looked for it every night. I mean how can you howl at the moon if you can't find it, right?

Mexico

We just spent six wonderful days at the Royal in Playa del Carmen. I can not recommend this place high enough. Adults only (16 is the minimum age), all inclusive...including room service and the room's mini-bar. Immaculate grounds. The staff is constantly cleaning. Gigantic, comfortable rooms. I slept better than at home. Six restaurants with excellent food. Bar service on the beach. Deep white sand running into crystal blue water...many of the nearby beaches were not nearly as nice. Upper 80 degree days with a near constant wind off the ocean...hardly ever felt hot. Plenty to see and do...we went to the Mayan ruins in Tulum and snorkeling off of Cozumel. Down time was spent hanging in a hammock on the room's balcony. Unlike a lot of resorts we saw in Mexico this one is not isolated, it is a short walk to Quinta Avenida (5th Avenue), a pedestrian street lined with shops, dining, bars, hotels and clubs. Even at night we felt safe and comfortable walking along the busy street.

The resort is approximately 50 minutes south of Cancun's airport. It felt like forever getting through the red tape that now accompanies entry into any foreign country. Then we were sidetracked by a man that said he was there to assist us find our transportation...you have to watch out for these guys, they'll have you in a hard sell time share meeting in two heart beats if you are not careful. They offer half price tours and I'm sure lots of other goodies. You might get a lot for your money if you don't mind giving them half a day. Learn to say, "No gracias." and keep walking. The transport company also invited us to a meeting to get our return vouchers, I skipped this also and picked them up later at their desk in the hotel. This was MY vacation and I wanted to chose how I spent my time.

Our trip home was about 14 hours as we were delayed in Atlanta...and we still don't have our luggage.

Sleep disorders and other advantages

I have a sleep disorder. It probably has a name, but I don't remember what it is. All I know is sometimes, I just don't sleep. This can actually go two ways. I can not get to sleep and feel tired and miserable. Or I sleep very soundly for a short period then wake up...wide awake, and can't go back to sleep leaving me feeling...you guessed it, tired and miserable later in the day. I could probably take a 10-20 minute nap every two to four hours and feel great. However, work really frowns on napping.

There are advantages to "power sleeping". I'm supposed to be up this morning to catch a flight. Instead of rushing around trying to get there on time, I am sitting here casually talking to you...and drinking homemade, rather than airport, coffee. I am calm, cool and collected...and if I am really lucky I'll be able to nap on the plane.

Breaking Dawn

SPOILER ALERT...SPOILER ALERT...SPOILER ALERT...SPOILER ALERT

If you have not read the Twilight series and think you might want to, go away NOW!

I read this massive 700+ page book over the weekend. I have not devoured books like this in a long time...and they're romance novels (with just a twist of supernatural) for crying out loud. Teen romance even! Yet I found myself glued to the pages. The four book series encompasses over 2000 pages and I think I've read all four in the span of about 10 days.

It was nice to see Bella a little more self assured in this book, but I still found myself annoyed with her...must have been all the mushy, I love you more than life, crap. As I've said before, I am not a huge fan of romance novels. So the teenager falls in love with the vampire...and the werewolf. There's some tears and anger and a few close calls...but it all works out in the end...sort of.

Somewhere about the middle of the book (SPOILER ALERT...just making sure you're paying attention) when Jacob imprints on Nessie, I had to put it down and walk away. I thought, you've got to be kidding me! Yes, they had explained how it worked and it wasn't creepy sexual...unlike the 100 year old vampire in love with a 17 year old girl. But for some reason it just made me go...ahhhh! I resisted the urge to toss the book across the room. I walked away...but it wasn't long before I was flipping pages again to find out, what's next?

Suddenly all the issues of the three way love affair were resolved in a nice neat tidy little box. Game over. Almost.

Actually the story seemed to end there...but the author thought not. So there are a few more hundred pages. Just consider it bonus material.

I'm curious to read something else she has written. Is she a good author being able to pull in the reader, or did she just get lucky with a couple of supernatural "bad boy" heroes and a insecure, irrational, annoying, needy heroine?

Did I enjoy the books? Yes. Did I like the books? Not so much. Does that makes sense? My blog, not necessary.

In the end, I spent 10 days engrossed in a story with characters I cheered for and mostly liked. I won't complain about that. But it left me feeling let down in some way I can't quite describe.

Maybe I'm just not sure what to do now with my free time.

Eclipse

The third book in the Twilight series took a little longer to read. I don't know if it was the length, 629 pages, or just the fact that I was working every day. I started it Sunday and finished on Thursday. I stayed up late Thursday, for a work night, as I rushed through the last chapter anxious to know what was going to happen.

I keep trying to figure out how Bella will resolve the conflict she faces...and I haven't been able to see the end yet. The books are still crappy romance novels and I hate that I've been drawn in...but it's undeniable. I opened book four, Breaking Dawn, as soon as I got home Friday. I have a week...754 pages.

I rush forward, page by page, feeling Bella's pain and confusion...annoyed by her neediness and insecurity. I cheer for the vampire and the werewolf...each wanting the same things and going about it differently. How do they all win in the end? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be...

happily ever after?

Horoscopes, card tricks and other irrelevances

I don't generally believe in horoscopes, fortune tellers and other hocus pocus. But I read my horoscope on a fairly regular basis, I own a Tarot deck and I'd love to visit a psychic. Contradictory...you bet. My friends are not surprised.

Today's horoscope per Yahoo: Friendships are all about acceptance and support, so don't succumb to pressure from a pal who is being too demanding about how much time you spend with them. If they can't understand that you just can't hang out when they want to hang out, then you need to reevaluate their role in your life. You cannot rearrange your life at the whim of other people, no matter how important you think they are to your life. They'll get along fine without you -- assure them of that.

This is so true for a part of my life...more the past than the future. Amazing how much clearer things are when they've already happened. This has come to pass and didn't end well. The horoscope was nice enough to remind me of it. Ouch.

I use my Tarot deck to look at thing from a different perspective. I have established each cards meaning...even written it down, so there is less interpretation. It is scarey sometimes how relevant it is to my frame of mind. But isn't that it...frame of mind?

Do I want to know my future? What's the fun in that? I'm not sure what I would want from a psychic. There is a certain curiosity, I'll admit. Maybe I'd be more interested in seeing if she could convince me that she was legitimate. But then, she might know my secrets...now that's scarey.