Sangria

I am surprised at how often I am asked for my sangria recipe. It really is very simple and easy to match to taste. I prefer a white sangria as opposed to a red, but I think this would work for either.

I start with Mascato wine. This is a sweet white wine, so no need to add the sugar most recipes call for.

Next is the juice flavor(s) of your choice. This can be as simple as a half gallon of orange juice or pineapple juice. My last batch, I made with a juice cocktail called Mango Blast. It really depends on your tastes and whats available.

Next, is the secondary alcohol. I lot of sangria recipes call for brandy. I don't own brandy, never have. What I had around the house when I started making sangria was "99". This is a Schnapps that is available at just about any liquor store. It also comes in a wide variety of flavors...peaches, bananas, apples, oranges, blackberries and cherries. Pick a flavor that complements your juice. I used peach with my mango. Orange is good with pineapple juice and I've used banana with orange pineapple juice. The blackberries and cherries, I think would work well in a red. Anyway, this stuff is 99 proof and can add a nice kick to your sangria. I add about a cup. This can be adjusted for taste and tolerance.

Three ingredients. Mix and stir. A lot of people like to cut fruit up in their sangria, it isn't necessary, but I do think it adds just a touch more flavor...and it does make it look nice if you are serving guest. I prefer citrus fruits, usually lemons and limes. And if you like a little fizzy in your drink, pour in some Sprite. Very flexible drink, very individual...and very, very good.

That sound you heard...

was the book closing on another chapter in my life.

Today was the last day on the most recent job. Nine months. Sucks. Leaving was not my choice. The job went away. Luckily, I was given a 90 day notice to get my shit together. That is a very good thing too, since it takes forever to get through the process. I was 60 days in before I got another job...a job I applied for in early February. I start that job on Monday. Oh how I wish I could have worked in a looooong weekend, but it wasn't meant to be. So Monday morning, bright and early, I start a new chapter. Hopefully this will make it more than a few pages. I have cleaned out three desks in 9 months. I'd like to settle in for a bit. Here's hoping it's a good fit.

What my job has taught me

I work in a hospital. I read charts and talk to people that are not at their best. I have learned to appreciate many things because of this experience.

If you have one person in the world that would miss you if you were gone, you are doing better than many.
If you have one person that would help you if you were sick and could not care for yourself, you are doing better than many.

If you can generally take care of yourself, express yourself and have all your limbs, count yourself lucky. So many things we take for granted...drawing a breath without effort, moving around independently, eating, among so many others.

People, even doctors, have wondered how I do what I do. How I deal with the pain I have everyday. I keep moving, keep pushing. I refuse to give up, to give in. I look around me everyday and know how lucky I am.

Specters

As I drove along the freeway this morning, something caught my attention off the side of the road. I do not know what it was. I know that what it was and what I saw was not the same thing. What I saw, what I perceived, was death. The traditionally depicted death, a hooded figure with scythe, except he was clad in white. Logically, I know death was not standing beside the road. But all the logic in the world did not make the experience less disturbing.

What I am told

I was told today...

that the people in my soon to be job are really looking forward to me starting. This isn't so much because I will be relieving the burden of them working short as much as...

I will bring a sparkle to the department. It's just too quiet, I'm told. It needs some life. Apparently that is my assignment.

My husband promised to take me out to dinner...

if he wins the lottery tonight. I asked, McDonald's? He said we could split a 20.

My son told me that I have issues...

A statement that I strangely take pride and a measure of satisfaction from. All I did was walk into his room blowing an extended raspberry. What's wrong with that?

Silence is...best.

There was one of those uncomfortable conversations around the lunch table today. Basically, several people were discussing raising their children. One said she was raising her children Catholic. One said she was raising her kids Christian. The third said it was only important that children were given religious guidance, no matter what religion the parent's practiced. I, being the fourth person in the room, ate and kept quiet. It's funny, but it seems most people will accept that you are a different religion, but not if your are no religion. From their conversation I gathered that it would be impossible for me to have raised my children in an approved, appropriate, manner. I don't need your approval...and my children are just fine. Want to know what happens with kids without a religious upbringing?

They are told that people believe a lot of different things...and that's okay.
They are told that they need to decide what they believe...and that's okay.
They are told that there is right and wrong.
They are told there are consequences for their actions.

So what is different about the way I taught my children? My sons were introduced to lots of ideas. They were taught it was okay to question even my beliefs...to explore, to seek, to find...or not. They were taught that their actions could be harmful to others...and to themselves. They were taught some behavior was preferable and others forbidden. Their consequences were much more immediate than Heaven or Hell. There was no boogie man devil; just Mom and Dad, and God forbid, the police. Personally, I think that is a concept much easier for the child to grasp than the fire and brimstone of Hell. But, hey, that's just my opinion...kept to myself. I just kept eating.

Jumping off a cliff

Nine months ago, I ran straight off the edge of a cliff with a parachute...a new job. I left 14 years of seniority for an opportunity that excited me. It wasn't long before I discovered I was on a rough road and I wondered if I had made a gigantic mistake. The change was good for me physically and mentally, but I needed an income and that was in jeopardy. Due to circumstances beyond my control, and even to many degrees beyond that of my employer. I found myself treading water...then drowning, as I was given a 90 day notice of separation. Well 60 days later I am running towards another cliff with the same parachute. But this time I am running backwards. Back to the previous employer, in, thankfully, a different capacity. I am more scared this time. I get my seniority back. I know all my future co-workers. I had even once considered this job, but didn't think I'd be selected for the position. It usually goes to high seniority employees. I am unsure why I feel so much trepidation. I can only guess, that it's because I was forced off this cliff. I feel that my decision was rushed, not of my choosing. I was so excited starting the last job and it ended prematurely...badly. Maybe my trepidation is a good sign of what the future holds. I hope. I'm getting too old for cliffs.

Patterns

I tell people that I see patterns. I notice things that a lot of people don't. Now mind you, most of these things are totally useless...but they are there, and for some reason my mind notices them. Maybe looking for order in a disorderly world? Who knows. Maybe it's the right side trying to show off to my overly logical left side. As I tend to think and reason very logically. The only real advantage I have found for this odd ?talent is breaking codes...simple codes. That usually means someone is using a 1 to 1 substitution, a symbol for a letter. But really, how often does one need to break codes in life? You might be surprised. Anyway...

What brought this to mind this morning, was this very blog. As I noticed, randomly, that the two main bodies of the previous entries were of the same number of lines. Along with very similarly sized pictures. Nice little neat observation packages. Useful? Absolutely not. Just my bizarre mind interupting the regularly scheduled programming. Have a nice day.

More words...true words

I saw this quote and realized how very true it is.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."

I seem to know a lot of people currently whose futures are feeling less resolved...including my own. Don't even get me started on people and their glory days. If high school, or college even, was the best you got...I'm sorry. Okay, I should say that and you are, I don't know, five, six, seven, years beyond that time in your life. Get over it, it's unlikely you were really that spectacular. The present is all we have any chance of controlling, and that is a slippery slope. Try your best. Keep your eyes open, feet on the ground and reach for the stars. Take every experience as a lesson. Make the best of what you have. And polish, polish, polish that silver lining...sometimes it's all you got to hold on to, but it's a place to start.

Dooms Day

I saw an ad tonight for a show about people prepping for the end of the world...bunkers, food stores, gun, the whole shebang. The tag line was something like, "It's coming and if you're not prepared, you're already dead." It made me wonder, would I want to live in a world where I needed to live like that? As a nurse, I understand that there are things worse than death. I think having to live in a bunker, armed, in a kill or be killed world...or a kill or starve world, would be one of those things. I would hope to have a quick end, not suffer and struggle. I guess I'll have to meet Armageddon with open arms...and hope it's a few hundred years away. I mean, I don't actually have a death wish.

Where is Heaven?

I heard a commercial this morning on the radio, in which, the joke was the residents of Heaven kept losing items as they fell through the clouds.

We all know from an early age that Heaven is up. But up where? 

How often have you seen a depiction of Heaven in the clouds? I am sure before exploration took us above the clouds, that many people did, indeed, consider Heaven to be so close at hand. Well, having flown through and above the clouds, I assure you, as beautiful as it is, there is no Heaven to be found there.

The Bible is of very little help in locating Heaven...as apparently, according to some experts, there are three. There is the heavens of the Earth, our atmosphere; the heavens of outer space, where the planets reside; and the Heaven, capital H, where God resides. So Heaven is far away, in a place beyond our science...or is Heaven in another plane of existence altogether?

And if I look up to the heavens and wonder, I have to look down and wonder too...as we all know what is down as well as up.

But I find this even more confusing than searching the sky for Heaven because down is so limited. The mental image I always had was that Hell was inside the core of the Earth, as there is no place else down. And the Bible seems to confirm this idea. Now, I'm not an expert on anything, but it seems to me that our Earth has been studied and probed enough that science would have found Hell by now. Unless, of course, it too, is in some alternate universe at the core of the Earth.


I am not a big believer in Heaven or Hell, so why am I looking for them? I like to examine my beliefs every now and again, just to make sure I don't need to change what I think. It has happened. I learn. I get smarter. I challenge my logic. I do not believe, or doubt, blindly, but enlightened and informed. I can tell you more about religion than many believers. Some people say that faith is blind. I guess if that is the case, I'll never be among the faithful. I would love to find comfort there...but not until I can make sense of it.

Mexico 2012

Just got home in the wee hours of the morning from the fourth trip to Mexico in the same number of years. And we've already started planning for next year...it just never gets old.

This is not a hotel review. I did that on tripadvisor.com this morning. This is my, "What I did on vacation" report.

We arrived at the resort early on Saturday, thrilled with our quick trip through Customs and Immigration. It made getting on a plane at 5:20 AM worth it. We spent a week laughing, eating, drinking and a few of us even got lost...even if they didn't know they were lost. I shopped  La Quinta Avenida in Playa del Carmen, a favorite place of mine. I snorkeled in Puerto Morales and saw a more fish than ever...and added a few new additions to my memory collection. I saw a yellow ray, some anemone, and a couple of conch...well, at least the shells. I tried a few new foods, not all with equal success. I saw the best fire show ever, and regret horribly not having my camera with me. I met a few great amigos that shared their time and some of their lives with us and made the trip that much more enjoyable. I was reminded not to judge a book by it's cover...at least when it comes to people. The Hispanic guy working the lobby bar in a Mexican resort...born in California, preparing for school at Georgia Tech. We discovered what it's like to be outnumbered, never before have I seen so many Canadians in one place.

I found the moon in Mexico...finally! I know this sounds bizarre but in my three previous trips, there was no moon to be found. So our last night there, we walked out on the beach and waited for the strangers to drift away...didn't want to frighten the normals, then we howled at the moon. I have waited four years to howl at the moon in Mexico. To make it even better, there was a resort employee, that had been out of my sight, further down the beach. He echoed the howl back to us!

It was a good week. It was hard to come home and it will be harder still to return to everyday life. The ocean calls to me. I can't wait to go back.

Flashback

I thought of something this morning, for reasons unknown. Something I had not thought of in a very, very long time. When I was a teenager, 14 or 15, I guess, my friends and I somehow got began a...I don't know, fad, I guess. We exchanged bracelets. A fad, I have seen among younger kids, much more recently...but a little differently. I don't know who or how it started. White nylon rope, 4 strand macrame, a pattern of knotting. I remember making a few things with macrame...it was all the rage, I guess, at the time. Anyway, the bracelets were made and exchanged, but with a twist. Nylon, when heated melts. So the bracelets weren't tied on, but melted on. Once the bracelet was placed on the wrist, it was permanent, until it was cut off. A significant symbolism to us at the time. A have no idea how many of us exchanged bracelets. There was a small group of us, friends and "couples". The one that came to mind this morning, for whatever reason, was the one attached to the guy I was dating. He may have even been the first bracelet...which might explain what came next. When I melted the ends of the bracelet, the nylon, probably molten hot, fell back against his skin and sort of embedded itself. He pulled the burning bracelet away from his skin...and the skin came with it. There was the smell of burning skin and nylon. It left a nasty, nasty burn mark. That is why I think that must have been the first one...we were much more careful after that.

I still can't remember what triggered that memory this morning. Funny. There isn't a soul from that group anymore that I am still in contact with. Nobody to share the memory with. Sad.

Coloring life

When my sons were small we would often sit at the table and color. My oldest son frequently told me that I was doing it wrong. When asked, why? He would patiently explain to me that everybody knew the sky was blue, so I couldn't color the sky purple...or green...or orange. Pink grass! Oh my! How scandalous! I explained it was my coloring book and I could make things any color that I wanted. He would just shake his head and go back to his perfectly ordered world where everything was, just the way it was expected to be.

I am a firm believer that life should not be so orderly, so predictable. I can't change the color of the sky but I don't have to live life in a paint by number world.

Life is more like finger painting. A tentative first dip of a finger into a color, leading to handfuls of color, then more colors...all swirling together to create something unique and beautiful...one of a kind. Life should be your's, your design, by your hand, not something set up by the rules of others. Why must I stay within the lines? Or even on the paper? Why must I be limited? The sky is the limit...even if it must be blue.

In the eye of the beholder

I was asked again, what color is your hair? Which color, I ask? I've also been asked if the color was natural. Again, I ask, which color? Though, really, none of them are. It has been referred to as, "the technicolor hair"...I think that to be a bit of an exaggeration. I just work in a very vanilla atmosphere. I had a dream recently that my work said I had to dye it all one color, so I dyed it purple. It is a bit of work, mainly I just have to sit there...for two hours, every five weeks. I guess it is my highest maintenance. But that's ok I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I like my hair. It's distinctive.

Danger Will Robinson

If you don't get that reference, you are probably too young to be reading my thoughts. You may want to step away. Why danger? I am on emotional/stress overload. I think I have indeed found the straw. This is not new, just renewed. I reach a point where my ability to cope is overwhelmed by a flood of issues and emotions. This is the point where, before, I sat down and cried. I'm trying to get out of that. Problem is my other alternative stress relievers aren't working out so good...or are illegal. No not drugs. More like the desire to beat on someone...thing. I do not have a healthy outlet for my aggression. Wait, wrong. I don't currently have an outlet. LARP battle is a great way to expend that energy, but that is still a few months away. I wish I could move some of the other stuff a few months away. It's all coming like an avalanche down a mountain. Quick run down: facing losing my job---I have a few months, job interview tomorrow---I find this utterly anxiety producing, going out of the country---endless planning, because, well, it's all MY responsibility, worried the trip is going to disintegrate in front of my very eyes because of a friend's sudden and very unexpected personal issue---worried about said friend and family, and I keep reminding myself not to get so tied up in planning, interviewing and worrying, that I forget Valentine's Day, both of my son's birthdays and my wedding anniversary---all of which fall within the next 19 days. Jeez, I guess there should have been a period in there somewhere. God no! Punctuation, period. Take a deep breath. Time to make a list...and take a Xanax. If I write down the "to do's" I won't have to keep recirculating them worrying I will forget. The Xanax just makes it so I don't care...as much. Who am I kidding, that is why I have Xanax, I don't take it. Maybe I should invest in kick boxing classes. Like I could afford to break...me.

People come in all types

I work in a hospital. I see a random cross-section of humanity on a daily basis. People are kind, mean, loud, quiet, shy, boisterous, honest, liars, etc. etc. etc. Some people have reasons for their behavior. Some people have behavior without reason. I laugh. I fight tears. I hold hands. I encourage. I enlighten and educate. And sometimes I give a big wake up call and sometimes I get a dose of reality. Nothing will make you feel more alive, more fortunate, than seeing someone in a coma. Nothing will lighten your heart more than seeing true gratitude in the face of another. I experienced one of those moments this week. A very simple thing. I said, thank you, in sign language to a deaf man. His eyes widened, a smile played across his face, and he signed, thank you, back. I signed, you're welcome, smiled, and waved bye. My sign language is, less than, rudimentary. But sometimes it is the simplest of things that make a difference.

Not a death sentence

The bad news came today...in a FedEx envelope.

So thin.

It is not the end of the world. Just the end of this chapter. And what a thin chapter it is.

It is not the first time I have pulled myself up and dusted myself off. May not even be the last.

I am an optimist. Something good will come from this.

I dream that I was once a mermaid

Strange? Maybe. What's new? I really should not be surprised, I am a water baby. Not an Aquarius...a water baby. It is the place that makes me happiest. I love being in water. Bathtub, rain, ocean, lake, sprinkler. I will admit, I enjoy some more than others. They each have their moment in time. Hot water, mmm, one of life's greatest joys. The sound of ocean waves crashing on the beach...so relaxing, washing away life's stress. Floating in water is amazing, face up or down. Snorkeling, once adjusted to breathing through a straw, is so wonderful. And I have spent many summer days floating in the pool or at the lake.







I will soon be headed back to the ocean...Mexico, I'm coming home. Put out the bienvenido mat. And could you light up the moon for me this time?

Free writing and unformed ideas.

I have had a couple of conversations floating around in my mind. For some reason, the two, completely unrelated conversations are poking at me. There is something there I am meant to find. A clarification, perhaps. I don't know. So here's thinking...

I keep thinking about the state of human beings. Both conversations having been in that general direction, different places, at different times and with different intent. I'm just trying to get a handle on the pieces.

The human race fights over differences. Differences in race, religion, beliefs, culture, money....

I heard something recently along the line of, men will slits each other's throats because that can't agree on what happens to them when it happens. Crude...but true. Um, yeah, make that three contributors. People must have the same kind of stuff poking at their minds.

I can't understand why people can not accept differences. So what, if you don't believe what I do? Do we have to wear the same clothes, eat the same food...dream the same dream?

We aren't all meant to be blue-eyed blondes...because, yeah, we know how well that turned out in the past.

It seems to me the world would be a boring place, if we were all alike.

We aren't a breed...we are human. Supposedly the smart ones.

My identity

I have an online presence, as most people do. I have tried to limit my public exposure...keeping use of my real name to a minimum. Facebook is the one place where I use my name, instead of one of several nicknames. I recently considered changing that, mainly because I'm sending out resumes. I am fully aware that employers frequently "Google" prospective employees, along with Twitter, Facebook, etc. So, I sat and considered changing my name to something more...anonymous. Then I asked myself, why? I am not embarrassed by who I am or what I do. I'm not doing anything illegal. I use common sense...usually. I will admit, that in most people's opinion I have a few strange hobbies, but that is outside of work. It does not have anything to do with my ability to do a fine upstanding job. Look at it this way, I am well rounded. I am also well loved. I am generally happy. I am not changing for you or anybody else.

Change

It appears, among the many adjectives I can use to describe myself, that soon, I may add unemployed. This is not my choice, nor am I the least bit happy about it. After 14 years with the same company, I decided to strike out and try something new. It wasn't a rash decision, more like a vital one. The old job had become toxic to me. The stress was making me sick on a daily basis. My long term prognosis was looking grim.

I am not fond of change. I like the familiar. I like the feeling that I know what I am doing. But I jumped into the new job with enthusiasm. New job, new place, new people. I quickly discovered that I liked the job, but the fit was awkward. I told myself, give it time. I didn't get a chance. Five months after starting the new job, I was transferred to another location...where I used to work. Okay...new job, old place, familiar people. The job changed...strange how you can have the same job, same title, same pay, yet be doing something totally different. Well maybe not a total change, more an addition, a significant addition. The leisurely pace of point A was replaced by the hectic pace of point B. That's okay, I'm used to running at a manic pace. I am not afraid of a little hard work. Even with the additional responsibilities, I was not stressed. The fit felt better. I was just waiting for all the piece to fall together...instead they've all fallen apart.

Two months after the transfer, the company is downsizing. Actually, not exactly. They are being downsized, as they lost a contract. Suddenly, there are too many people for too few jobs...and I am sitting at the bottom of the seniority totem pole. I haven't yet been told if I'm losing my job, but I think it's more about when, than, if. I'm not going to go into all the arguments I have about why I am a better choice. It's a mute point anyway...I asked. I did. I asked if I could make a case for why I should keep my job. No interest. Damn. But I will always know I tried. Ballsy? Maybe. Make a difference? Unlikely.

It has become common knowledge that I am waiting for the ax to fall and what I think bothers me the most is what feels like the apathy of my co-workers. Yes, I have only been there a few months...but these people have known me for years in my former capacity. It would be nice to think that a few of them would stand up and speak out for my benefit. Maybe they have, quietly, behind closed doors. Maybe wistful thinking. Would it matter in the end? Yes, to me.

So I sit and wait, with my future in someone else's hands. No control. No choice. No say.

50th birthday

Today I turned 50...fifty. The big 5-0. Five decades. Half a century. I'm not figuring days, the leap years will mess me up. I am not upset by my age. I figure getting older beats the alternative. I am afraid of aging...but I'm not going there today. I don't feel any different today than I did yesterday. People tell me I look good. They don't guess my age. Hopefully, I can say the same in 10 years. I'll be happy to still be alive, working and properly functioning.

ill-logic

I am a logical person. I can work out a lot of things I don't know with logic. Along those lines, it always befuddled my mind that something that smelled so good to me would not taste good. This was true with Nacho Cheese Doritos. I generally detest cheese...but the Nacho Cheese Doritos smelled incredible. So one day I worked up my courage and bit off a small sampling, and just as I expected...it was nasty! This was illogical to me. Smells good should taste good. This is something my mind has revisited on a number of occasions, especially when something smelled good with a questionable list of ingredients. Then tonight, I got a mouthful of shampoo and as I am sure you know, it does not taste good...but it smells great.

Aha!

Makes perfectly good sense...to me.

New Year's Eve...I'm going to rant a bit.

New Year's Eve, seems the perfect time to get a few things off my mind. So I am going to sit here with my hardcore pumpkin spice coffee and do so.


The latest news on my mind, the Governor of Kentucky vetoed a merger between several local hospitals declaring that it was not in the public's best interest. I am not going to debate that point. Even I could see some problems in the proposed plan. This is also going to effect me directly as it may be the end of, or the saving of, my job. That fall out is yet to be seen. I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst because I like my job. There are a couple of things that annoy me, outside of the personal issue. One, this merger had publicly been in the works for months, many, many months, before the government stepped in. Time, money and resources wasted, at a time when money is already hard to come by. (Personally, I think Medicare will eventually bankrupt the system). I suspect there were other entities putting there fingers in the pie and stirring the pot because the merger was not in their best interest. Two, does the government have the right to step in and make this decision? The Governor stated that University Hospital falls under Public Trust (The public trust doctrine is the principal that certain resources are preserved for public use, and that the government is required to maintain them for the public's reasonable use.) Which lead me right up to my next grumble. If University Hospital is a public trust and the government is required to maintain it...why was it in such a dire situation requiring it to look to merger for financial assistance? Because believe me that is what this was all about. The Catholic run hospital system, CHI, has the money to put in. But along with their money comes their doctrine...no birth control. And that is where the government stepped in. So my next question would be, so what now? They stopped the merger but what are they going to do to save University Hospital? The public's best interest will not be served if the hospital closes. Oh, and by the way, if you think University is the only hospital giving indignant care in the city, let me sit down and laugh at you naivete...until I cry. I have been in a position to see the $$$ spent on care to the under and uninsured at other hospitals in town. So what does the future hold? My Magic 8 Ball replies, "Who the hell knows." I don't...I'm just waiting to see if I still have a job.


Wow, that felt good. I seem to have forgotten the other stuff I wanted to rant about...oh wait, there it is.


I went out to the mall yesterday. Yes, I know that was my first mistake. I spent a couple of hours wandering here and there with a mental list of a few items that I could, might, possibly, need if they were to materialize in the right size, shape, color and price range. (I came home empty handed). The mall was very crowded with, I suppose, post holiday bargain shoppers and people with Christmas money burning holes in their pockets...the exact things that had driven me to drive to the mall. So, there I am, aimlessly wandering through a sea of other aimless wanders. A situation that requires, actually begs for, manners. I had one person say, "Excuse me." as she passed between me and the item I was aimlessly staring at. ONE, in like two or three hours in a crowded mall! Believe me, there were many opportunities for people to pull out and polish their niceties. (Example: I stopped and picked up a shoe box dropped by an overburdened father. Overburdened by multiple small children, and apparently new shoes for them all. He had his hands full and, as I mentioned earlier, I did not.) So much for good will to men. People suck.


Ahhh, my chest feels definitely better. Good to unburden.


Now on to a few other things that need mentioning here on this last day of the year...


I love my friends. They make me happy. I have a good family, mostly non-biological. I am generally happy...only a few things weigh heavy on my mind. I have a job I really like and hope to hold onto. I am looking south, towards Mexico, again as the weather turns colder and friends that are willing to go with me. Actually, quite a few friends (11 currently) have popped up and said they'd like to go in 2013. I guess that is assuming the whole world ending thing isn't a problem. See, not everything is a gripe.


Lastly, my birthday is quickly approaching. I'm getting old, maybe I shouldn't have said, lastly. In 6 days, on the 6th, I get a 0 on my birthday. Zeroes only come around once a decade (like the other numbers, shhhh) and need to be treated with dignity and respect...so I'm getting a masquerade party! An excuse to dress up outrageously...have I mentioned I love my friends?


And lastly, I didn't want that lastly attached to my birthday to be last...my blog, my rules. Life is not going to change tomorrow just because we all bought new calendars...get over it. Celebrate anyway. Make resolutions that you never keep. Keep promises, never made. Love, laugh, drink and be merry...but designate a driver.


Happy New Year.

12 days of Christmas... again, I'm sure.

It is not just a song about a partridge in a pear tree. Have you wondered why there are 12 days of Christmas? Christmas is not the twelfth day as many seem to think...but the first. January 6th (my birthday) is the last day of  Christmas or The Feast of Epiphany. It is celebrated as the time the Magi, or wise men, arrived in Bethlehem. I say celebrated...as there is nothing in scripture that says how long the Magi traveled. It does say that the Magi visited Jesus at his house...not the manager where he was born. Seeing the 3 wise men in manager scenes at Christmas has always been a special annoyance to me. Oh, while we're on the subject, nothing in the Bible says there were three wise men, just that they gave three gifts.

They're baaaaack

The holidays. How is it, that it's already been another year? Life is moving too fast on a large scale. Even my weeks seem to fly by.

It's Christmas Eve and I am not ready for Christmas. The tree is up and decorated. The gifts are wrapped. The baking is done and delivered, although very unsuccessful. The banana nut bread needs a do over. But I am not emotionally prepared. I am not ready for it to be over. I think I am still secretly, in my heart of hearts, waiting for that moment of shiny brightness called holiday joy, family, peace of earth and good will to men. I hate Hallmark and Hollywood. Truly. There just isn't enough time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's like a two care drive by. I'm still trying to get the license number on the first one when the second one rushes by. Then New Years, quickly followed by my birthday. Bam, bam, bam, bam...and I sit in the street in stunned silence. Glad that it's done but wishing it could have lingered to be savored just a bit more.

I am not complaining. I am not wishing it to be all done and over with. This is the first time I've ever had a job that seemed to recognize the holidays. I have 2 four day weekends. I spent 4 1/2 hours yesterday with 2 great friends. We exchanged goodies, ate lunch and talked...and talked. It was so relaxing. Perfect companionship. When I got home I was surprised by my son and the grand munchkin. Since the grandson would be going out of town we sat down and gave them their presents. It is a great joy to watch a child open presents...even if he wants to eat the wrapping paper and play with the box.

There will be more celebrating today and more tomorrow. We do not believe that everything has to happen on a particular day...it just makes life unnecessarily complicated.

Much to do, as the sky begins to lighten, so if you celebrate Christmas, merry. If you celebrate another feast, happy. If you have chosen a different path, well met. I hope that you find joy and merriment, may your cup runneth over and your harvest be bountiful. May you be surrounded by the people that give you happiness and may you be a blessing to each of them. I wish you smooth seas and the stars to navigate by.

like/love

You can like a person without loving them.
You can love a person without liking them.

I have had people in my life in each category. Much, and many more, in the first one. Like is simple and potentially immediate...love takes time. Liking comes and goes, waxes and wanes...love should not, at least not frequently.

I have liked people and later changed my mind as I got to know them...and disliked people to change my mind for the same reason.

I have loved people, but seldom, very seldom, have I quit of loving. As it should be. It is so very strange when you realize that you no longer love someone. That realization occurred to me today, suddenly, without fanfare or sadness. It has been a long time coming.

The sunny side

I don't know what happened today. The fog lifted...and there was the sun. And I do not mean that literally as December has arrived shrouded in dreariness. I suddenly feel better. More like me...the me I like. I might have even found a spark of energy. A pep in my step. I wish I knew what happened so I could call it up again when needed. I would like to hold onto this feeling a while. Would be nice. I still have no control over my future but at least I'm not crying in my, um, tequila.

Here's a toast...to finding there is life in life again. Long may she reign.

Control

I am feeling out of sorts; physically, mentally, emotionally. Not myself. There is a lot going on. A lot that I am not going to go into...beating a dead horse and all. Then there is Christmas. I am never quite ready for it. It comes too fast. It all just makes me realize how little control I have in my own life. No matter how much thought, planning, effort involved, it really comes down to happenstance. I really hope to feel better soon. I don't like me like this.