Change

It appears, among the many adjectives I can use to describe myself, that soon, I may add unemployed. This is not my choice, nor am I the least bit happy about it. After 14 years with the same company, I decided to strike out and try something new. It wasn't a rash decision, more like a vital one. The old job had become toxic to me. The stress was making me sick on a daily basis. My long term prognosis was looking grim.

I am not fond of change. I like the familiar. I like the feeling that I know what I am doing. But I jumped into the new job with enthusiasm. New job, new place, new people. I quickly discovered that I liked the job, but the fit was awkward. I told myself, give it time. I didn't get a chance. Five months after starting the new job, I was transferred to another location...where I used to work. Okay...new job, old place, familiar people. The job changed...strange how you can have the same job, same title, same pay, yet be doing something totally different. Well maybe not a total change, more an addition, a significant addition. The leisurely pace of point A was replaced by the hectic pace of point B. That's okay, I'm used to running at a manic pace. I am not afraid of a little hard work. Even with the additional responsibilities, I was not stressed. The fit felt better. I was just waiting for all the piece to fall together...instead they've all fallen apart.

Two months after the transfer, the company is downsizing. Actually, not exactly. They are being downsized, as they lost a contract. Suddenly, there are too many people for too few jobs...and I am sitting at the bottom of the seniority totem pole. I haven't yet been told if I'm losing my job, but I think it's more about when, than, if. I'm not going to go into all the arguments I have about why I am a better choice. It's a mute point anyway...I asked. I did. I asked if I could make a case for why I should keep my job. No interest. Damn. But I will always know I tried. Ballsy? Maybe. Make a difference? Unlikely.

It has become common knowledge that I am waiting for the ax to fall and what I think bothers me the most is what feels like the apathy of my co-workers. Yes, I have only been there a few months...but these people have known me for years in my former capacity. It would be nice to think that a few of them would stand up and speak out for my benefit. Maybe they have, quietly, behind closed doors. Maybe wistful thinking. Would it matter in the end? Yes, to me.

So I sit and wait, with my future in someone else's hands. No control. No choice. No say.