Explains a lot

I am apparently surrounded by unseen forces, for arguments sake and because it's my blog, we'll call them fairies. I guess we could call them unicorns, but I refuse to believe that I would miss the evidence of something that big occupying even invisible space with me. I could also call them angels...or demons, but they seem much more benign. I also do not like trolls, as they are smelly...so I select fairies. These fairies seem quite content to live on the periphery of my world...stealing socks, poking holes in perfectly good shirts, moving things to trip me up. They seem endlessly amused by applying bright silver color to my hair while I sleep...so that I have to color it back to it's proper multi-toned hues every few weeks to keep from looking like a Christmas tree layered in tinsel. I mean if they want me all sparkly, how about jewelry? Not all of their activities are so detrimental, they can be rather helpful. Last Sunday when I went to bed, I forgot that my alarm clock was set to the god awful hour of 4:30AM (set the weekend before to clear security and catch the flight to Mexico). I set two alarms every night, one to radio, the second to an annoying beep-beep-beep sound that I do not want to start my day with...but have just in case I sleep through the radio. I have in a semi-dazed predawn mind wondered why someone was talking in my room while I was trying to sleep, before realizing it was the radio signaling time to start my day. Anyway, the fairies stepped in to rescue me from my oversight and turned the volume of the radio off! Thus allowing me to sleep undisturbed until the wonderful hour of 5:40AM! So I have to ask myself, is it worth it...or should I try mouse traps?

The end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calendar

On our recent trip to Mexico we visited the Mayan ruins at Tulum. We had the opportunity to discuss, in detail, the Mayan calendar with a local expert on the subject.

As you may, or may not know, many people believe the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world when it ceases on December 23, 2012. The calendar is very complicated and is based on the solar year and the agricultural seasons. It consists of 18 twenty day months, then a 5 day resting period before the next year begins....365 days. The man we were talking to laughed at the idea that the Mayan predicted the end of time by the conclusion of their calendar...this calendar was designed a few thousand years before the time of Christ. He said that once the written Mayan calendar was concluded in 2012...it would simply start over.

I guess we'll see in a few years.

More thoughts on Mexico

As the title says, a few more thoughts on Mexico...

We chose to walk on the street rather than the beach. It was the deepest, softest, sand I have ever encountered. The only place you could easily walk was along the surf.

Driving...I'm not sure if it's my imagination but people in other places are way worse than Louisville, and Louisville isn't great. Is it that I'm used to our brand of crazy? In Mexico I'm pretty sure the roads had lines, but nobody seemed to pay them any attention. If your vehicle fits into a space, then you can drive there. This often seems to include the shoulder of the road. You have everything from Mopeds to tour buses trying to occupy a limited space and traffic laws, including ALTO (STOP) signs, seem to be more of a suggestion than a hard and fast rule. I tried not to find out if pedestrians had the right away.

I asked the server at the tequilaria for his suggestion of best tequila...they're all inclusive so why not ask for the best. I was surprised that I had never heard of his recommendation...El Jimador. I was also surprised by how good the limes were.

The one thing that surprised us all...the wind! It is windy along the beach. I kept my hair pulled up...or I looked like a wild woman. This made it very pleasant, with temps in the upper 80's it was not hot at all. Nothing in any of the travel literature I read mentioned this. There were a number of weddings taking place at our hotel while we were there...I bet they were surprised too. I ran into one bride in the bathroom trying to untangle and rearrange her hair. The nearly constant wind contributes to the nearly constant sighting of sunburned individuals. No heat, no getting hot, no realization. Sometimes, it was bad...I mean, ouch! The spa actually offered a treatment for sunburn. It should have been a best seller.

You can bargain with the shops. You should bargain with the shops. But they do have a bottom dollar...and you should know your top dollar before you start. I walked into a small shop and found a sterling sun pendant with inlaid opal that I liked. I asked the price, as with many shops it was not marked...also as with many shops I was shown a number on a calculator. A number with way too many digits, I quickly divided by 10, though pesos are currently running 12-14 against the dollar, and told the shop keeper no thanks. He stopped me and used the calculator to figure up the dollar amount...$165 US. Again I said no. We bargained back and forth until he was down to $35. It was still more than I wanted to spend. A few days later, I went back and a different man offered me the pendant for $65 and would not go below $45. I came home without the pendant...maybe I'll check Ebay.

I know this one is going to sound weird (have you met me?) but there is no moon in Mexico. I swear I looked for it every night. I mean how can you howl at the moon if you can't find it, right?

Mexico

We just spent six wonderful days at the Royal in Playa del Carmen. I can not recommend this place high enough. Adults only (16 is the minimum age), all inclusive...including room service and the room's mini-bar. Immaculate grounds. The staff is constantly cleaning. Gigantic, comfortable rooms. I slept better than at home. Six restaurants with excellent food. Bar service on the beach. Deep white sand running into crystal blue water...many of the nearby beaches were not nearly as nice. Upper 80 degree days with a near constant wind off the ocean...hardly ever felt hot. Plenty to see and do...we went to the Mayan ruins in Tulum and snorkeling off of Cozumel. Down time was spent hanging in a hammock on the room's balcony. Unlike a lot of resorts we saw in Mexico this one is not isolated, it is a short walk to Quinta Avenida (5th Avenue), a pedestrian street lined with shops, dining, bars, hotels and clubs. Even at night we felt safe and comfortable walking along the busy street.

The resort is approximately 50 minutes south of Cancun's airport. It felt like forever getting through the red tape that now accompanies entry into any foreign country. Then we were sidetracked by a man that said he was there to assist us find our transportation...you have to watch out for these guys, they'll have you in a hard sell time share meeting in two heart beats if you are not careful. They offer half price tours and I'm sure lots of other goodies. You might get a lot for your money if you don't mind giving them half a day. Learn to say, "No gracias." and keep walking. The transport company also invited us to a meeting to get our return vouchers, I skipped this also and picked them up later at their desk in the hotel. This was MY vacation and I wanted to chose how I spent my time.

Our trip home was about 14 hours as we were delayed in Atlanta...and we still don't have our luggage.

Sleep disorders and other advantages

I have a sleep disorder. It probably has a name, but I don't remember what it is. All I know is sometimes, I just don't sleep. This can actually go two ways. I can not get to sleep and feel tired and miserable. Or I sleep very soundly for a short period then wake up...wide awake, and can't go back to sleep leaving me feeling...you guessed it, tired and miserable later in the day. I could probably take a 10-20 minute nap every two to four hours and feel great. However, work really frowns on napping.

There are advantages to "power sleeping". I'm supposed to be up this morning to catch a flight. Instead of rushing around trying to get there on time, I am sitting here casually talking to you...and drinking homemade, rather than airport, coffee. I am calm, cool and collected...and if I am really lucky I'll be able to nap on the plane.

Breaking Dawn

SPOILER ALERT...SPOILER ALERT...SPOILER ALERT...SPOILER ALERT

If you have not read the Twilight series and think you might want to, go away NOW!

I read this massive 700+ page book over the weekend. I have not devoured books like this in a long time...and they're romance novels (with just a twist of supernatural) for crying out loud. Teen romance even! Yet I found myself glued to the pages. The four book series encompasses over 2000 pages and I think I've read all four in the span of about 10 days.

It was nice to see Bella a little more self assured in this book, but I still found myself annoyed with her...must have been all the mushy, I love you more than life, crap. As I've said before, I am not a huge fan of romance novels. So the teenager falls in love with the vampire...and the werewolf. There's some tears and anger and a few close calls...but it all works out in the end...sort of.

Somewhere about the middle of the book (SPOILER ALERT...just making sure you're paying attention) when Jacob imprints on Nessie, I had to put it down and walk away. I thought, you've got to be kidding me! Yes, they had explained how it worked and it wasn't creepy sexual...unlike the 100 year old vampire in love with a 17 year old girl. But for some reason it just made me go...ahhhh! I resisted the urge to toss the book across the room. I walked away...but it wasn't long before I was flipping pages again to find out, what's next?

Suddenly all the issues of the three way love affair were resolved in a nice neat tidy little box. Game over. Almost.

Actually the story seemed to end there...but the author thought not. So there are a few more hundred pages. Just consider it bonus material.

I'm curious to read something else she has written. Is she a good author being able to pull in the reader, or did she just get lucky with a couple of supernatural "bad boy" heroes and a insecure, irrational, annoying, needy heroine?

Did I enjoy the books? Yes. Did I like the books? Not so much. Does that makes sense? My blog, not necessary.

In the end, I spent 10 days engrossed in a story with characters I cheered for and mostly liked. I won't complain about that. But it left me feeling let down in some way I can't quite describe.

Maybe I'm just not sure what to do now with my free time.

Eclipse

The third book in the Twilight series took a little longer to read. I don't know if it was the length, 629 pages, or just the fact that I was working every day. I started it Sunday and finished on Thursday. I stayed up late Thursday, for a work night, as I rushed through the last chapter anxious to know what was going to happen.

I keep trying to figure out how Bella will resolve the conflict she faces...and I haven't been able to see the end yet. The books are still crappy romance novels and I hate that I've been drawn in...but it's undeniable. I opened book four, Breaking Dawn, as soon as I got home Friday. I have a week...754 pages.

I rush forward, page by page, feeling Bella's pain and confusion...annoyed by her neediness and insecurity. I cheer for the vampire and the werewolf...each wanting the same things and going about it differently. How do they all win in the end? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be...

happily ever after?

Horoscopes, card tricks and other irrelevances

I don't generally believe in horoscopes, fortune tellers and other hocus pocus. But I read my horoscope on a fairly regular basis, I own a Tarot deck and I'd love to visit a psychic. Contradictory...you bet. My friends are not surprised.

Today's horoscope per Yahoo: Friendships are all about acceptance and support, so don't succumb to pressure from a pal who is being too demanding about how much time you spend with them. If they can't understand that you just can't hang out when they want to hang out, then you need to reevaluate their role in your life. You cannot rearrange your life at the whim of other people, no matter how important you think they are to your life. They'll get along fine without you -- assure them of that.

This is so true for a part of my life...more the past than the future. Amazing how much clearer things are when they've already happened. This has come to pass and didn't end well. The horoscope was nice enough to remind me of it. Ouch.

I use my Tarot deck to look at thing from a different perspective. I have established each cards meaning...even written it down, so there is less interpretation. It is scarey sometimes how relevant it is to my frame of mind. But isn't that it...frame of mind?

Do I want to know my future? What's the fun in that? I'm not sure what I would want from a psychic. There is a certain curiosity, I'll admit. Maybe I'd be more interested in seeing if she could convince me that she was legitimate. But then, she might know my secrets...now that's scarey.

New Moon

I bought New Moon Friday evening and finished it Saturday night...563 pages. It is still romance. There is still too much desperation in the lead female character, Bella...but for some strange reason you want to know what's going to happen next. The author pulls you in wonderfully. This book spends more time building the relationship between Bella and Jacob...the first book was Bella and Edward. I don't want to spoil anything for those that might still be planning to read the series. Yes...I have books three and four, both more massive than the first two. I think one of them runs 700+ pages. At the rate I'm going they should be finished in a little over a week...and only because I have to go to work.

Let's pay them to drop out

If you talk to be people that have never been to Kentucky, or are visiting for the first time, you will often find they are surprised by our culture, education and our...teeth. No joke. Many have the impression that we are barefoot backwoods, toothless, hillbillies living in shacks with dirt floors. Where would they get such an idea? Movies? TV? Today's Courier Journal?

"A bill that would raise the high school dropout age from 16 to 18 by 2011 cleared a House committee yesterday, but Gov. Steve Beshear said the state can't afford to educate the students who would be forced to stay in school."

What?

So it's more expensive to educate a child for two years than...
a) support them on welfare.
b) house them in prison.
c) all of the above.

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be so negative.

There are bonuses to all those 16 year old dropouts...
a) no strain on the college system.
b) somebody needs to do the minimum wage work.
c) increasing state population.

I am embarrassed that our governor would put a price on a child's education. Maybe he could offer a financial incentive to encourage 16 year old teens to drop out. We should all be so proud.

Twilight

I just finished Twilight...498 pages in three days. It is an easy read. It is probably the first time I have ever read a book AFTER watching the movie. I know nobody is surprised, but the book is better. I was almost embarrassed about buying the book. I can't quite explain the emotion. I guess I just didn't want to be one of "those" people. I did enjoy the book...mostly. I will buy the second one and we'll see if I move on to the third and fourth. As you can tell, I have some issues with the book. It leans heavily toward romance, not something I normally read. Having seen the movie, I was not surprised. It was a challenge I was willing to take. The one thing I found truly annoying is Bella's neediness. I prefer my women stronger...and my vampires darker.

Run for your life

I've been looking for a pair of board shorts...if you're unfamiliar, those are swim trunks for women. Yes, you wear them with a top...pervert. This search led me to Jefferson Mall today. What a wonderland Jefferson Mall is. I was greeted as soon as I walked through the doors at Sears with a large group of people that didn't seem to be aware of the general etiquette to keep moving so that everyone can come in. As I squeezed around them, I was confronted by cold stares to indicate that I was apparently being rude by wanting to actually come into the store. A few minutes later this group passed me again...screaming, crying kid in tow, while one of the women announced loudly, "They ain't nothin' in this store ya'll want!" Out through the mall entrance they headed. I gave them adequate time to get a head of me, then I headed that way too. BAM! I walked right smack into the middle of some kind of miniature princess competition. Tons of tiny tots and pre-teens dressed in petite prom and brides maid dresses. Let's teach them while their young that nothing is more important than looks...good God save me! I made it to the other end of the mall attempting to not trip over out of control munchkins...or ahem, adults, I use the term loosely, clueless to their environment. I found my shorts...Yay! Those are for my snorkeling trip coming up very soon. If it hadn't been so cold, I think I would have walked around the mall rather than back through. But then I would have missed the "lady". The lady was mobilizing through the mall in a motorized wheel chair. I would not have paid her much attention except she was wearing gold lamé pants...in a mall, on a Saturday, before noon. Hey it's five o'clock somewhere, right? She also had on a long blond curly wig...and snow boots with fur tops. This was quite the fashion statement. Not that I am one to judge others in the style department. I was not staring...I swear. But there were some sequins involved too. Exit stage left. I make it back down to Sears...the beauty pageant has now moved on to, I presume teens. There is someone, I suppose, officiating, instructing, the hopefuls wearing a gold mesh-work crown that is half as tall as she is. I have to be honest, I hurried past the adorable tykes earlier in the day as quickly as possible...this, however, for a moment, has my attention. There are a half dozen girls, of indeterminate age, standing around in formals looking way too made up and stiff. One in particular catches my attention...it must be gold lamé day at the mall. I don't know where she got the dress...but somebody should have told her it was at least two sizes too small. I'm talking about a girl with a nice shape, but she is stretching this dress out in a very unflattering manner. I often wonder if people have full length mirrors at home. There I go again...I am in no standing to be a fashion critic. Jeans and t-shirt baby...and if I want to get fancy, I'll swap my New Balance running shoes for a pair of boots. Today I was grateful for my running shoes...out the nearest exit, not even the closest to the car and damn it was cold out there.

Death...by choice

Death may be the greatest of all human blessings. ~Socrates

Let it never be said that I am unwilling or incapable of tackling the serious or controversial subjects. Many years ago I wrote an English paper in favor of assisted suicide. It earned me an A, as it was well written and thought out. It also earned me a public castigation by the teacher...this involved a good bit of yelling on her part, leaving a substantial number of classmates stunned. I'm not sure if she so vehemently opposed my argument or if she wanted to test my resolve.

Some 15 years later, I still wonder why it is we treat our pets humanely...not allowing them to suffer, but can not offer that compassion to each other? I've heard the religious arguments.

I've heard the ethical arguments. I've even heard the practicality arguments. But I am here to tell you...not all people go to gently. Why can't a person with a debilitating or terminal illness make an informed decision with their family and a health care provider on the timing of their death?

We should be able to offer a person a choice. Just as I made out my living will so that my decisions are known if I can't express them...why not a decision to die? A living will only allows for natural death. Why not criteria for euthanasia?

Death is a fact of life...but agony and suffering should not be.

Rant

I'm in a pissy mood (it happens) and I was reminded of something that annoys the hell out of me. If you are easily offended this may be the time to go play someplace else.

Why would a man use my gender as a way of insulting my son? It's not just me...I hear this frequently, as this is how I was reminded of it. I once called out a coach for calling the boys on my son's team, "ladies". What are you teaching these boys? That women are nonathletic? Weak? Unworthy of respect? It is degrading. Is this the boy you want picking up your daughter on a Saturday night?

While were at it...Why would a man use a phrase such as, "blow me" (I toned that down...use your imagination) as an insult to another man? I have heard this, among others. I often wonder what other women think. Do they just laugh it off as boys will be boys? That man just used a sex act as a degradation...so where's the respect for the person he'd most likely very much like to be performing such a service?

I think I just solved the problem...I keep using the term MAN. That was my first mistake.

Research causes cancer in rats

I remember the first time I saw that...research causes cancer in rats. It rang very true to me, as it seems EVERYTHING causes cancer. And everything is researched, often with opposing results. The research study I heard about today was that wine, and possibly any alcohol, consumption increased the risk for a variety of different cancers. Wow...wasn't it not too long ago that researchers were saying that red wine was good for your heart? But apparently the cancer risks outweigh the heart benefits.

I get annoyed every time I hear the breaking news of the latest study. It either contradicts a previous study...or I think, duh, you spent how much to figure that out? Seems like common sense to me.

I know there is a lot of valuable research going on, and many people pin their hopes on a breakthrough. But it seems to me there is a lot of money going down the drain to prove what we already know or to "discover" absolutely useless information. Maybe the researchers have to report something, anything, to prove to the financial backers that they're not just sitting around in a lab playing cards.

Will telling me that wine will protect my heart, encourage me to drink red wine? No. Will telling me that alcohol may lead to cancer, prevent me from drinking? No. So what's the point? Couldn't that money have been better spent someplace else...like in cancer research? We know everything causes cancer, we've seen the research. Guess what? Humans can not live in protective bubbles, which undoubtedly would cause cancer. So take all the rats you've given cancer while getting them drunk and find a cure...or at the very least better treatment options. Because I didn't spend a dime in research and I can tell you, the options we have now suck!

When you release those research results, I'll stand and cheer.

The life cycle of sex

I'm sure someone, somewhere, has done a big scientific study and spent millions of dollars studying this, but you're just going to get my unscientific observations and two cents worth here...and I bet they'd be similar.

We start out our lives as sexual beings. From day one we are dressed and treated differently because of our gender. Very early on most toddlers discover touching themselves. This seems to be especially noticeable for boys, as girls have to go spelunking....and are usually discouraged by shocked parents before the explorations gets too in depth. Most of us, I'm guessing, have a mostly silent sexuality until the hormones click in at puberty. Then all hell breaks loose. Those early sexual experience are experimental, exciting, sneaky and quiet. Eventually you move on...to a place of your own, where sex doesn't have to be quiet and sneaky. Suddenly you discover VOLUME. Rock the house baby!!! And feel embarrassed every time you run into the obviously uncomfortable downstairs and/or next door neighbor. Then the kids come along...and suddenly sex becomes a muffled (not necessarily in the good way) experience again. The older they get the more secretive you become...after all, ask any kid, their parents DO NOT have sex...oh the horror, the embarrassment and humiliation!!! It is much harder to face your kids than it was the former neighbors. At some point, hopefully before menopause, the kids will move out on their own...and think about how sad it is that Mom and Dad just sit around the house, alone, every night watching TV.

Yeah right...Rock the house baby!!!

Prayer

I am not a religious person. I do not find comfort there. But I respect your beliefs...whatever they may be. I define religion separately from the belief of a higher power. I have my doubts about there being an all powerful being, but I won't go into the lack of logic/blind faith, how could God/free will arguments here. Religion on the other hand, is a man made business just like any other. They have a product to sell. And don't even have to prove it exists. Not my point. My topic today as the title may have clued you in, is prayer. Something I don't, under the circumstances, normally find myself doing much. But there was a time when I had a very strong faith and found myself giving much consideration to prayer. I considered it, because I often found myself annoyed by others lack of consideration. Yes, we all make statements like, "Pray for good weather." But it isn't an actual request. When I was in college, there was a group that would get together and pray for good scores. I mean come on...if you are going to bend the ear of an all mighty being and you truly believe he is listening...you're going to ask for a B on your mid-term? I figure I might get one chance in a lifetime to have a prayer answered and I sure don't want it to be to pass an exam.

I came to the conclusion, a long time ago, that people that believe in God don't give him enough credit. If he is all powerful, all knowing, then doesn't he know what's best? So why don't more people pray for the ability to understand him? When I prayed, I always asked for the strength to bear what path God chose for me...that is true faith.

Lessons from a non-believer...feel free to ignore.

Over the hills and through the woods

First off, I'll admit the title has absolutely nothing to do with the subject...but then I plan on a variety of subjects so technically you will be adventuring over the hills and through the woods of my mind. The hills have eyes and the woods are dark and deep, so watch your step.

I drove home today with the moon roof open. What a treat!!! I am perfectly aware that it is February and very short lived, but I needed the sunshine. My mood was improved just by 30 minutes of sun and warm air...and loud music.

This weekend I participated in a science experiment. There grows in Asia a fruit called the Miracle Berry. It somehow effects the sour/bitter receptors on your tongue. A friend ordered a tablet/freeze dried version and decided we'd give it a try. The pills reminded me for some reason of the dental disclosure tablets you got as a kid to show where you missed brushing. You let the tablet dissolve while swishing it around in your mouth. It had an odd pasty flavor like cornstarch, but not unpleasant.

A table had been prepared for this little experiment...lemon, lime and grapefruit wedges, every type of bitter/sour candy you can imagine and for good measure tequila. At least I think that was included for good measure...some of us had to try it a couple of times. So the first thing I picked up was a section of grapefruit. I love grapefruit, sectioned and sprinkled with sugar. After the Miracle Berry the grapefruit was sweet like an orange...it was amazing and delicious. Next I tried a lemon wedge. It was like the sweetest lemonade, almost too sweet. I regret not trying the lime. The results were the same for all the candies...all sweet, no sour. Cranberry juice was like Kool-aid. That for good measure tequila was now sipable as all the edges had been smoothed out. I wasn't paying attention to my watch so I can't say how long the effect lasted but it seemed to suddenly disappear as I popped a Sour Patch gummy in my mouth and received rebound WOW!There were no ill effects except a mild rough feeling of the tongue which disappeared quickly.

Some people at work were amazed that I would consume some strange pill from Asia purchased over the Internet without more concern. I wonder if they read the labels of their energy drinks or herbal supplements? But then I'm the person that ended up with potentially life threatening reaction from an FDA approved, emergency room doctor prescribed medication. Sometimes you just have to live a little.

I am quickly closing in on the end of my first disc (of 4) from Lost Odyssey...my very first Xbox 360 game. I am enjoying it and slowly learning my way around. It has fallen out of favor the last few days as I picked up a previous love Saturday morning as I headed out the door to get my oil changed...a book. A good book, one that has you sucked into the story in the first few pages and refuses to let go. Sail by James Patterson & Howard Roughan is one of those easy reads that I find myself, well, sailing through. I read 252 pages Saturday and that's with me getting my oil changed, going shopping, playing Xbox and experimenting with strange bizarre food products from Asia. Not bad for a Saturday afternoon.

I think I'll go read.

Happy New Year

Today is the first day of the rest of your...year. I'm not sure why we invest so much into the changing of the year. Things do not change over night just because we throw away the old calendar. Maybe if we spent more time wishing well to our fellow man other than holidays, we could indeed make a difference. Yes, I spent the night celebrating with friends...but that is not all the unusual. We ate and drank and played Rock Band. I somehow missed the ball drop in Times Square, but I'm sure it was there. There were hugs and kisses all around...and a few tears. But again, this is hardly unusual. Maybe this is why my friends have become so close...there are rifts and differences, but in the end there is a general feeling of support and caring. I wouldn't want it any other way. So I say to you, Happy New Year, happy January, happy Thursday. May your mind be free, your body healthy, your life full of love. May you have all that you need and offer the extra to those less fortunate. May you offer understanding and compassion to others and may they grant you the same. May you find what you seek. May you find a reason to celebrate and have those you love help you do it. Most of all, be happy.

Welcome 2009...be gentle with us.

Left hand/Right hand

I heard this morning that a gay man sued eHarmony for discrimination because their dating service did not have an option for people to meet same sex partners....and won. Let me rephrase...the government, stepped in because a gay person was being discriminated against...read that again slowly. I want you to get the full impact of my thinking process here. It may require you to take Tylenol later but it will be so worth it.

Our government, our legal system intervened...because gays were not allowed the same access to computer dating as heterosexual couples were on eHarmony.

But they still can't legally get married anywhere in this country. Because OUR government says so.

Left hand meet the right hand.

Want to chase that Tylenol with some tequila? Might kill the taste of hypocrisy.

Good luck Mr Obama

What a position to find yourself in...we're entrenched in a no win situation of a war without a graceful exit, the economy is in the toilet, we're 10 billion dollars in debt and everyone will expect you to fix it NOW. On top of that everyone is looking up to you, the first black American president, to either set a shining example or to fall flat on your face. No pressure there.

I do not envy you your position. But I will wish you the best of luck. I hope you can do it, I really do...for all our sakes. I do not know how you will deal with a war you didn't start, a budget shortfall not of your creation or the turmoil of Wall Street...or even Main Street, for that matter. But it will be expected, as it will soon be your job. The unfair part is the expectation that you can fix in quick form problems created over years, if not decades. If you fail it will be more than the failing of one human being to fix the ills of not only a nation, but of the world. Race doesn't matter, but it will...because you are first. If you fail your race will be judged. How could it not be? Afterall, the newsies are all talking about how America voted a black man for President...instead of saying America voted the BEST man for the job.

You made history. Now you have four years to determine how that story will be told. Will you be celebrated or become a footnote in the history books?

There are people out there that will wish you defeat, for their own hateful reasons. I hope you really can lift us up. I would like to see my sons working full time. I would like to see a health care system that is dependable and affordable for everyone. I would like to believe that no child goes hungry. I want a safe infrastructure. I want to be able to retire before I'm 80.

Good luck Mr Obama...you're going to need it.

It's been awhile

A lot has happened in the last few months...as tends to happen with life.

Mom was diagnosed with, and died from, lung cancer. All in the span of four months and just 25 months after Dad. I have not LOST my parents, I know exactly where they are...unless of course the crematorium screwed up. I hate that phrase.

A very dear friend is going through a divorce after 31 years of marriage. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, the rest end in death. There is no happily ever after. This, in turn, has caused us to change long awaited vacation plans...as no one wanted to travel with the soon to be ex-husband and his mistress, former friend to us all. What an ugly mess.

A former long time friend that decided she didn't want me anymore has tried several times to knock on the door. This is the second time she has discarded me like so much trash. The first time, I swung the door wide and greeted her with open arms. This time will be much more difficult...if at all possible. That actually happened awhile back...15 months. Yes, it still hurts. She came to Mom's funeral. She hadn't came to Dad's and we were talking then. Maybe I was supposed to embrace her in a moment of weakness...sorry, life isn't like the movies. She said she missed me and loved me. It hurt even more.

Wow...let the flood gates open.

A friend called me stoic today. It hurt...maybe because he was too close to the truth. I don't show my emotions like other people. I'm not even sure I feel emotions like other people. Yes, I have pain, sadness, grief, joy, happiness...

It just seems easier to keep them all in a nice little contained bundle where I can keep an eye, and perhaps, and iron hand on them.

Guess what? That's what stoic means.

Damn.

Survival

The human psyche is pretty rugged. It is sometimes amazing what we are capable of enduring. That which does not kill you, the indomitable spirit and all that stuff.

I have had some rough times and my sense of humor has always seen me through. Even in my darkest hours I can hear the knocking at a distant door. And I can find some really bizarre things funny.

My sense of humor as been well nurtured over a great many years. It has been watered and cultivated by a great number of life experiences as well as a number of individuals. It is often dry and dark and full of twists. Like a run away car on a country road at 2AM. You never know what might pop up.

Today I am with my Mom at the hospital. She is rapidlly dying from cancer despite treatment. They are trying to wean her off the IV Morphine...it is not going well and she was in a lot of pain. She gets frustrated that she can't move and get comfortable...her legs are now paralyzed, then she gets upset. This is a nasty cycle as the more she gets upset the more pain she's in. So I thought I'd try something. Nurses call it visualization, you can do that when you have a degree...most people would call it going to their happy place.

So I lean down and hug her and start whispering in her ear. I start describing a beach, one of her favorite places, in great detail. The white sand, the ocean lapping at her feet, the smell of sea salt...I'm trying to remember each of the senses to include them in the picture. When I think of sound, I mention the cry of the seagulls. A distinct sound reminiscent of the beach. But then my mind wanders to another distinct thing about seagulls...and I whisper in her ear, "But these are special seagulls, they won't poop on you." Even with the pain, my Mom started laughing.

Humor hasn't failed me yet.

Broken

I think I'm broken.

My emotions don't seem to work like most peoples. I don't care when I should. Big things don't upset me...the little annoyances drive me crazy. It seems the emotions are walled away in some dark, mysterious place.

Sometimes I have to pretend.

I see people looking at me. I feel the accusation that I am not behaving normally. So I look to see what others are doing and I follow suit to blend in. I just don't want to feel the pain.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism from the abuse suffered at the hands of my Mother as a child. I felt more pain then. She says I'm a cold hearted bitch...and I think, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

At least I protected my children. They never saw that rage. They didn't suffer at my hand. At least I wasn't that broken.

I still don't know how to fix me. I don't know if I can be fixed. I'm not sure I could deal with the pain.

Technology

Technology has changed a tremendous amount just in my life time. I did not have a microwave as a kid, or for that fact, a DVD player (or even VHS) or a computer. I remember Pong as the first video game I ever saw, then Space Invaders. They were not very advanced, but we wasted hours playing them. A new technology to me now is the satellite radio in my car. It came with six months free. I can't imagine paying for radio. I'd rather buy CD's. But it's been a great way to discover new music. Who knows, I may be addicted in 6 months.

It's not you, it's me

Helloooooo...contrary to your belief system the world does not revolve around you!

I realize you think you are the center of the universe, the axis on which everyone bases their lives. I hate to break this to you...but you're wrong.

People do not behave in a manner just to please or annoy you.

Every head does not turn as you walk by to admire or scorn you.

Yes, I believe being self centered can go both ways. It doesn't necessarily mean you are egotistical. It can also mean you think people are out to get you, to beat you, to one-up you. Why in the world would everyone notice you? Why are you so important that they have to be better than you? I hate to break this to you, but in the large scheme of things, you're pretty freaking invisible.

This brings me to another recent thought and someone that apparently can't be invisible...Mylie Cyrus.

I do not follow star news. But you can't eat or breathe in this country without hearing some tidbit or another about Mylie, Brittney or Paris...to name a few. Some of the crap they bring on themselves...but I would hate to be living in that fishbowl.

Can you imagine being 15 (I think Mylie is 15) and living your life under the scrutiny of the world? Growing up is hard. The teen years are awkward, a time of discovering who you are. I sure the hell wasn't a role model for anybody, nor did I want to be. It was all I could do to keep my head above water.

There is no way to be grounded in that environment. Paris appears to be a good example of egotistical, while Brittany may have fallen to the other end of the spectrum. Of course they have public support in their beliefs that the world actually does revolve around them...they just need look out their windows.

So, unless you got up this morning and found paparazzi on your lawn...get over it. Most everyone is just going about living their lives the best way they know how.

It really isn't about you.

And a shoe drops

You ever have one of those things in life that just sideswipes you out of nowhere?

OK...I guess it really wasn't out of nowhere. I'd heard the crash and a careening sound from far off. I guess I just thought it wasn't real. Now that I look back there was an honest to God flashing sign. How the hell did we all ignore that? OK, have to be honest with myself again. After all, that's what writing is all about for me...honesty with myself. There were whispers and conjecture...hell there were downright accusations. There was also denials and plausible excuses.

In the near future there will be pain, crying and blame.

Some day there will be healing.

And hopefully a new beginning.

I'm still a bit in denial...hoping it's really just a bad dream.

A few truths discovered on the road of life

Say I love you, if you mean it.

Crow is no easier to eat after it gets cold.

Smell the roses. Watch the sunrise or set. Sing in the rain.

Play. It's not just for kids.

The grass is rarely as green as it looks on the other side.

There are consequences for your actions. They may be minuscule but they may be life changing...and sometimes it's hard to know from where you are standing.

Contrary to popular belief, there isn't necessarily two sides to every story. But every story is colored by the story teller.

Excitement and beauty are overrated. They're best appreciated in small doses.

It is rare to find absolute truth.

Happiness is something you have to work for...and it isn't guaranteed.

Easy isn't always best.

Life isn't fair...deal with it.

People do not always forgive and forget. And even if the forgive, they never, ever, forget.

If you are willing to complain when things are bad...be sure to compliment when things are good.

Look for the silver lining. It isn't always easy, but then the best things usually aren't.

Looking back and making wishes never works, but sometimes if you look forward it might. The same is true with asking, "What if?"

Anger and frustration rarely accomplish anything positive.

Occasionally, do something unexpected.

Hold the pain

Have you ever held on to something BECAUSE it caused you pain?

I'm holding onto a couple of letters that I find extremely emotionally painful. They were written to me during the ending of a long term relationship. I don't think they were meant to be the end, but more of a turning point. But as many times happens with humans, I didn't react as the other person anticipated. I think I was supposed to cry and say how sorry I was. Promise to never, ever do the infraction again...and go on as if nothing ever happened.

This is the way it had worked before.

But instead, I took a long look at those words.

This is where the advice that says never put anything into writing that you might regret comes into play...advice from someone that writes in a public forum every day.

I looked at those words, words chosen very carefully I'm sure. I looked at them. I read them. I absorbed them. And came to the conclusion that the relationship had become one of convenience. I also realized that even though I knew them intimately, they knew absolutely nothing about me.

So the relationship ceased. I moved forward. Time has passed.

So occasionally I still pull out those letters to be reminded. Reminded not to take people or life for granted. Reminded that everything changes. Reminded that from pain, good can come. Reminded to appreciate the people in my life. Reminded that I am very lucky. Reminded to say, thank you.

Maybe one day I'll burn those letters.

But not yet.

I still need to be reminded.

Caught up

OK...I've finally moved as much from my previous blog to this one as a plan to. That blog is nearly two years old with 456 entries. Kind of shows what's important.

So all the "old" entries will be in July 2008 only...with a few newer introductory ones. So if you've discovered my dark little corner and have made it through the first month of disjointed entries...welcome.