Hold the pain

Have you ever held on to something BECAUSE it caused you pain?

I'm holding onto a couple of letters that I find extremely emotionally painful. They were written to me during the ending of a long term relationship. I don't think they were meant to be the end, but more of a turning point. But as many times happens with humans, I didn't react as the other person anticipated. I think I was supposed to cry and say how sorry I was. Promise to never, ever do the infraction again...and go on as if nothing ever happened.

This is the way it had worked before.

But instead, I took a long look at those words.

This is where the advice that says never put anything into writing that you might regret comes into play...advice from someone that writes in a public forum every day.

I looked at those words, words chosen very carefully I'm sure. I looked at them. I read them. I absorbed them. And came to the conclusion that the relationship had become one of convenience. I also realized that even though I knew them intimately, they knew absolutely nothing about me.

So the relationship ceased. I moved forward. Time has passed.

So occasionally I still pull out those letters to be reminded. Reminded not to take people or life for granted. Reminded that everything changes. Reminded that from pain, good can come. Reminded to appreciate the people in my life. Reminded that I am very lucky. Reminded to say, thank you.

Maybe one day I'll burn those letters.

But not yet.

I still need to be reminded.