Broken

I think I'm broken.

My emotions don't seem to work like most peoples. I don't care when I should. Big things don't upset me...the little annoyances drive me crazy. It seems the emotions are walled away in some dark, mysterious place.

Sometimes I have to pretend.

I see people looking at me. I feel the accusation that I am not behaving normally. So I look to see what others are doing and I follow suit to blend in. I just don't want to feel the pain.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism from the abuse suffered at the hands of my Mother as a child. I felt more pain then. She says I'm a cold hearted bitch...and I think, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

At least I protected my children. They never saw that rage. They didn't suffer at my hand. At least I wasn't that broken.

I still don't know how to fix me. I don't know if I can be fixed. I'm not sure I could deal with the pain.