Growing old sucks

But I'm not old yet...or at least not as old as I should be for the problem I have.

I went to the eye doctor a month ago for my routine eye exam. He told me that I was developing sub-capsular cataracts. A form that tends to grow rather rapidly. He explained that this type of cataract has more to do with heredity than age. Well I'll be the first to say my genetics suck!!! Both parents with diabetes, both with open heart surgeries and both died from cancer. I do not have expectations of living a long life. But I can't recall them having cataracts...just not as dramatic, I guess.

I picked my glasses up a week ago and have been struggling with them ever since. My vision is just not right. Only once in the many years I've been wearing glasses has the prescription been wrong in a pair of new glasses, but I went in today to have them checked out.

I can barely make out 20/40 in my left eye what I was seeing 20/20 a month ago. He adjusted, both for stronger and weaker, and neither improved my vision. The doctor said the cataract has grown enough to move into my field of vision. It's like having a Vaseline smudge on my glasses. The good news, it's going to keep getting worse. The bad news, it requires eye surgery. He says they can restore my vision, possibly even eliminating my need for glasses...but the idea of eye surgery terrifies the living crap out of me.

2012

I don't have to look at the DVD cover to tell you this is one l-o-n-g movie, but I did...158 minutes. It seemed longer. There are several potential reasons. One, we had to stop half way through, when company stopped by. Second, we had issues with the DVD and ultimately had to move it to the X-box and start over. And lastly, even though I have a weird fascination for disaster movies, this one just never grabbed me by the seat of the pants and took me along for the ride. Of course number three could have been greatly influenced by the first two.

I am going to contradict myself now. I hate movies that spend the first half developing the characters before you get into any action. 2012 didn't do that, but because the characters weren't developed I didn't feel any attachment to them. There were only two characters that seemed to stand out, the crazy guy (Charlie Frost, we'll get back to him in a minute) and the asshole, selfish, filthy rich Russian guy that you hope gets his in the end.

Now back to Charlie Frost, as promised. It was one of those movie moments when a character comes on the screen and you zero in. Looking closely, I questioned, "Is that Woody Harrelson?" Indeed. There are a number of known, recognized actors in this movie. Woody was not as easily recognizable.

The movie starts in modern day and quickly movies toward 12/21/12, the date many say the Mayan calendar predicts as the end of the world. Last year I had the opportunity to talk to a man in Tulum, Mexico that specializes in Mayan history. He laughed at the notion. He said that December 2012 isn't the end of time, only the end of the calendar. Like our end of year, the Mayan calendar simply starts over.

I will admit watching the world being torn apart by earthquakes and flooded by tidal waves after recent global events, was a little creepy.

An Alice in Wonderland inspired party

We had an Alice party for a friend's birthday recently. I was rather impressed with our Humpty Dumpty center piece. Humpty was just adorable all by himself. Then surrounded by deviled eggs in the center of a chess board...surrounded by all the king's men.

I took some liberties with the tea party...with very good results.

The decorations were simple, but universal.

I made an unusual Queen of Hearts.

Right before my eyes

I got new glasses today. I do this every two years. I don't know why it is, but when I pick them up, I swear they are different from when I ordered them. I've been wearing glasses since I was six. First thing on in the morning, last thing off at night.They've gotten a lot fancier over time...anti-glare, photoray, polished edges. They've also gotten much more expensive. But I figure for something dead center of my face, every waking moment, I should get what I want.

Random thoughts from recent memories

This may come as a surprise to some...but I really don't care who Tiger slept with. I do not see any point in his name making the news, even tabloid TV, every night. It's his business. Just because he plays golf and became a celebrity does not mean that the media should constantly pry into his life. Inquiring minds don't give a damn, they have better things to wonder about.

I had one of those odd occurrences today...made even more odd by the fact that I wasn't alone. I saw a "ghost".  Three us us were standing in a hall, at work, talking. I saw someone approaching in my peripheral vision. I stepped forward to allow the person to pass. I looked over my shoulder to make sure there was enough space, and nobody was there. I must have looked confused. One of the people I was standing with looked at me, and said, "I saw it too." I saw a dark shape approaching, he saw a light passing behind me. Bizarre.

I recently heard a doctor giving excellent advice. He was on the phone and was telling someone to make an appointment. Apparently, he was asked if the patient should go to the emergency room. He answered, "Absolutely not! They can make an appointment.Tell them they have not had an MI and they are not suffering from sudden cardiac death." He is my hero of the week.


I almost discovered, in a painful way, the consequences of checking Facebook by phone when using the bathroom...I am a multi-tasker. My phone slipped from my hands. Straight down, as gravity is predictable. I clenched. It is fortunate, I guess, that I do not have skinny little bird legs. I think I captured it by 1/2 an inch. Phone saved, disaster averted, bank account happy.


I enjoy music. Recently I have not been so happy with my choices of CDs. They seem to drone on, one song after another, slipping from one song to the next without much to set them apart or there is one song I really like, only to discover that nothing on the CD is even similar. Now I know it sounds like I just complained about opposite things...but I want the music to be similar in attitude while exploring new territory. Make sense? Anyway, driving to work, I was listening to my latest acquisition and really enjoying it when the thought occurred to me that my laptop at work had a CD drive...why didn't I ever listen to music, at a significantly muted volume, at work? A few songs later I was remind why...most of my CDs have parental warning labels. I never buy edited CDs...ever.


My husband made a comment the other day that I loved. He said that he knew it wouldn't do him any good to tell me what to do or what to wear. If he was uncomfortable, he'd just have to walk a few steps further behind.  He no longer frets about what people think when I am "all dressed up"...most people would call it a costume. He just....distances himself.  And stands back and laughs most of the time. I know it sounds horrible but you'd have to understand...it's a good thing. And people wonder how we've stayed married for so long.


A went for an ultrasound (US) of my ovary recently. Somebody forgot to send me the memo that an US of your ovary is done internally...that would be transvaginally in medical speak. The poor US tech was male, being a professional I doubt he was uncomfortable with the situation...in the beginning. I am sure about the time I asked if this counted as a "nooner" he was ready to crawl under the floor tiles. I razed him through the entire procedure...that would be sexually harassed  in legal speak. Though I will have to say, afterwards, the female attendant said that was the first time she'd ever seen him laugh, apparently he is normally pretty serious.

Pro-choice

Pro-choice is a term frequently used to identify half of the abortion debate, but this is not about abortion. This is about life. I am pro-choice in life. I think the government is getting too muddled up in the day to day of our lives. How I live, or how I die, should be my choice. I should have the freedom to make decisions. I am a semi-educated human being over the age of 18. If I want to sit down with a spoon and eat trans-fat...my choice. If I want to sprinkle salt on it first...my choice. If I want to ride a motorcycle without a helmet...my choice. No, these are not smart choices, but the government isn't my mother and shouldn't be dictating to me the rights and wrongs of better living.

I understand where the government is coming from. I am after all  a nurse. If you eat wrong or participate in dangerous activities you have a higher risk of being a burden on the healthcare dollar. And believe me, healthcare doesn't need additional burdens. But instead of passing laws telling me all the things I can't do, educate me to make better choices. I mean, I wear a seatbelt now. I would, even if the law was repealed. And on that subject, I believe seatbelt laws and child safety seats are excellent for the protection of children.

I know salt can cause all kinds of maladies but I'm still going to eat it...my decision, my consequences. If I develop hypertension, maybe I'll rethink my decision. And if a law is passed that restaurants can not add salt to food (Can you imagine McDonald's fries without salt?) I will just add twice as much myself.

Besides the government should have much more pressing issues to deal with...and perhaps they should clean up their own house before trying to butt into mine.

Land of the free...remember?

Full steam ahead

It has come to my attention that in the last few weeks my writing has been much less sarcastic (humorous, entertaining) and much more...ummm mellow. Mellow is not even a setting on my emotional dial, so I will try my best to rectify that situation. Mellow is something I usually only accomplish when chemically induced. It is seldom that I am agreeable to it, even then. I prefer full tilt, both feet, horns out. Look out world, I'm gathering steam.

Send my regrets

Why do we humans spend so much time revisiting the failures of our lives? Regret is such a waste of time and energy. No matter how much you fret about those things that haunt your soul and mind, you can rarely change them. They are done and gone...past. No, I am not immune. I often find my mind wandering down familiar paths of why, what if and I wish. The only purpose I can find, is possibly, the desire to learn from my mistakes and missteps. By turning over and examining the less than stellar moments of life, maybe, just maybe, I can do better next time. I'll give myself credit for at least hoping to be a better person...and maybe someday I'll quit beating myself up over the mistakes.

It's a dog's life

Atlanta recently passed a law inflicting stiff penalties on dog owners that don't clean up after their pets...$1000.00 fine or one year in prison. The same penalties can be incurred if the dog is without a leash. I love my dog...I love most dogs, but I have to agree that man's best friend should, when in public, be on a leash. And stepping in dog doo, especially barefooted, is a great way to ruin your day. However, the penalties seemed a little stiff to me. But I did not research the penalties served up by other states for the same penalties...as researching law can be tedious and cause eye strain. What I wondered was, if Atlanta would throw you in jail...excuse me, prison, for a year, what were the penalties for a human that defecated in public? Oh quit being grossed out! It's a legitimate question. You've never seen homeless people? You think they just walk around until they find a nice clean bathroom every time they hear the call of nature? There are laws addressing public defecation, urination and even spitting. Government doesn't write these laws for the fun of it you know. Laws are written because somebodies delicate sensibilities got twisted into an uproar and they complained long and loud. Now as I was saying, researching laws can be quite time consuming and eventually downright boring. I couldn't find a thing about public defecation laws in Atlanta. So I tried public indecency, a close relative...I thought. I found that it was punishable by "fines and imprisonment in county jail for up to 12 months". What surprised me was the definition. In Georgia, public indecency is:

• Exposing one's genitalia or breasts in a lewd manner, in public
• Sexual intercourse
• Appearing in a state of partial or total nudity in a lewd manner, in public
• Lewdly caressing/fondling another person in public

Not at all what I was thinking. But it carries similar penalties. So you can have sex in the park  or walk your dog without a leash and face a year in jail. Does that make sense?

I found laws about public defecations in other states, from Florida to Oregon, with fines around $500 and imprisonment from 60-180 days. Obviously, dog poop is a bigger issue.


I did run across one interesting story, I do love the internet (though I will caution watching what links you click on when researching public defecation), from the Associated Press.


July 16, 2009 ELGIN, Iowa (AP) - Criminal mischief charges have been filed against a Randalia man for allegedly defecating on a sidewalk in downtown Elgin and smearing feces on the door of a building.

Matthew J. Sodoma was arrested early Thursday and also charged with defecating on a public sidewalk or building.

Authorities say the building smeared by the 21-year-old Sodoma houses the Valley Community Coalition. They expressed belief Sodoma was targeting the organization, but aren't sure why.

Fayette County Sheriff Marty Fisher said Sodoma's action defies the basic morals of the community and was unacceptable.

Authorities say the charges against Sodoma are misdemeanors and are punishable by a fine between $65 and $650 and up to 30 days in jail.

Wow...30 days maximum. I wonder what the pooper scooper laws are in Iowa?

Always a child

I recently received some life changing, oh my God news. The kind that makes you rethink everything you know, who you are, where you are going, what life holds...and means. Generally, I have not shared that news yet. I'm just not ready. I'm not sure if it's denial...no I can't deny it, it is a proven undeniable fact. It doesn't feel right to make a big announcement...yet. Eventually it will be evident. One of the most painful thoughts I had, among the million competing for my attention was the fact that my parents would never know. My Mom died 16 months ago, my Dad, 25 months prior. It never fails, when something new or big happens, my first thought is to share with Mom. No matter how old we get, how grown up we are, it seems we're always the children of our parents.

30 years of marriage

Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. In todays world it seems quite the accomplishment instead of the norm. I can understand that. It hasn't always been easy. Recently I was asked, "What is the secret to your success?" Deadpanned, I answered, "Marrying the right person." I was stating the obvious, of course...but it is all too true. I married a man that has refused to give up on me even when the easy thing, maybe even the smart thing, would have been to throw his hands up in exasperation and headed for the door. I am sure he has been tempted. Neither of us are perfect. We both present the other with challenges. We both drive the other one nuts. But at the end of the day, most days, it's to each other we come for comfort. Happy Anniversary Steve...30 years and still counting.

Cry me a river

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems everything converges at a point just meant to tear you asunder? I got news that I wasn't expecting. Even the messenger of the news referred to it as "disturbing." I'm not going to share, so you'll just have to take my word for it. It is life altering. I am not dealing well with it. And I usually deal so well people think I have no feelings. There is the second problem...I seem to have landed right smack in the middle of over-emotional, under-equipped day. This used to be referred to as PMS, but since my hysterectomy I'm not sure what to call it, but crazy psycho bitch comes to mind. So now I have life altering news dealt to crazy psycho bitch...then someone wants to gnaw on my ass a little bit. Just a tad, around the edges. Needless to say, I did not have a good day. I can't change the news or the chewer, so I'm not seeing a shiny silver lining at the moment. I can hope for some mood stabilizing, it usually happens...eventually. Everyone says it will get better, and I know, somewhere, deep down that it is true. Is it too much to ask for sooner rather than later? I can't drink at work.

A random observation

A criminal background check does not prove that someone is a good person. It only proves they haven't been caught.

Call me a cynic.

Hands

Have you ever really looked at someone's hands? I think they have the potential to tell you a lot about a person. My Dad was a mechanic, and no matter how much he scrubbed, his hands had his job all over them. They always seems to have just a touch of black motor grease. Callouses tell of hard labor, either at work or play...not all labor is bad. I hate to see someone with dirty nails...or broken ones. And I spend a good deal of time in need of repair, as mine are soft and brittle. I dislike seeing chipped polish and therefore do not polish my fingernails. It is just more upkeep than I am comfortable with. I used to think that long fingernails, I mean really long nails, were a sign that someone did not do serious work. I have been proven wrong. Just because I can barely feed myself with them doesn't mean others share my lack of dexterity. What does a manicure say to you about a person? What if that person is indeed a man? Does it speak of his ego, profession or grooming habits? Come now, I don't have all the answers. And lastly and mostly...is there a tell tale sign of a recent ring when someone is denying any romantic entanglements? That ring indention can hang around for awhile...as will a tan line.

Oops!

I had a new, and hopefully one time experience, this morning. I dropped my keys down an elevator shaft. It really wasn't very hard. I had stuck my hand out to catch the door, to allow others to catch a ride. My keys slipped from my hand and just dropped right into the gap between the elevator deck and the floor. Bye-bye keys. Luckily, I was on the ground floor, so they didn't have far to go. I made a call and maintenance fetched them. They said it isn't so unusual for items to be lost that way, it's usually cell phones. They come back in pieces.

Just proof that no good deed goes unpunished.

Birthday Adventure 2010

It's kind of hard to know the exact date of your surprise. It is also hard to relinquish control of your entire day. I took a shower, got dressed...and waited. We went out to lunch. We stopped by the liquor store. All the while, I am wondering what will happen, or I suppose more accurately at that time, WHEN something would happen. Everything I had picked up on, said this was to be an evening event...but you never know when someone is leading you astray. I waited...and waited...and waited. I got a text message that said we needed to be 15 minutes late...so I waited some more. Finally, my husband says it's time to go.

We head out on the Snyder, which is pretty much the way we need to go to get anywhere. Then to I-65 N, again not too much unusualness in that. But then Steve comments how everything looks different at night and he isn't sure where he is going and asks me how to get the the AIRPORT. What??? Airport? My heart has just picked up tempo and the mind has gone into overdrive. Now let me clarify...it is perfectly within the realm of possibility that my husband and friends could/would put me on an airplane. I mentally check my personal inventory...I have ID and a credit card. Steve asks me to direct him to departing flights. I wonder where I am going? I even wondered who I could be meeting on an incoming flight. Alexa? Karen? I point. We don't get over far enough. We circle the airport. We make it to the right lane this time, up the ramp we go and I spot a friend of mine, Kevin, standing out front with my name on a board. I get out of the car and look around...where is everybody? Kevin asks if I have any luggage. Ummm, no. Then Steve opens the trunk, pulls out my backpack and says, "Just an overnight bag." What? How did he snag my backpack without me noticing? I reach for it, wondering what is inside, but Kevin gets it first and tells me not to worry...he will take care of everything. Steve gets back in the car and drives away. Now you may be wondering if my husband would drop me off at the airport and let someone take/put me on an airplane? I think that answer is yes. Now the brain is doing something along this line: Where are my friends that I was expecting to celebrate with? Was Laura asking about my favorite Mexican food a ruse? Steve had slipped, I thought, when he mentioned going to Ginny's on Saturday...another red herring? Where was I going? It couldn't be far...an overnight trip? Chicago perhaps...Kevin and I had talked once about my desire to go to Chicago. It was the only place I could think of that I could go to and come back that quickly. Kevin is talking, in a weird kind of accent, assuring me that everything is taken care of, that he will take care of me. He leads me into the terminal...a bad name for a place where people get onto airplanes. My brain is still doing cartwheels. I realize I am grinning like an idiot while my brain is still trying to connect all the dots. We get on an elevator and go down. At some point I noted that he put a airline tag on my backpack. He has a clipboard with papers on it...airline tickets? We get off the elevator and go up the escalator. My brain slams on the brakes...we went down in the elevator and up on the escalator. It may be doing somersaults but this did not go unnoticed. It's weird when you KNOW people are up to something. You can't assume the obvious is what it appears to be, but it is really hard to ignore what is staring you in the face....like being in the airport. I am still grinning like an idiot...I think. So after going up the escalator, we go out the doors...and wait. OK, I am out of the terminal. I am not going anywhere. Heart slows. Brain readjusts to some normality, if indeed my brain is capable of normality. I think maybe Steve is waiting to pick me up from this adventure into Wonderland. Nope. A van glides up the the curb and my own personal flight attendant (in real life) Laura steps out to help with my luggage and get me securely "on board". Mark, my Captain is at the wheel...this is the second time Mark has impersonated a Pilot with this group. He makes a damn fine looking pilot too. Fits the part perfectly. My luggage is stowed in cargo...no carry on allowed. I still have no idea what is in my backpack, nor does it seem I am likely to find out anytime soon. I get full instructions from my flight attendant on the escape routes and how to fasten my seatbelt. I am also informed that we have no flotation devices. But we'll be traveling at low altitudes. The co-pilot, the GPS, informs us of the route to our destination. The trip is filled with airplane puns and laughter...oh and beverage service.

We arrive at our destination...Ginny's house. There are tiki torches greeting me on my arrival. This is a very odd sight around here in January. I finally get my hands on my backpack...to discover it has a change of clothes and sandals...I am being herded towards the front door where I am greeted with holas and welcomes. I am handed a glass of sangria, appropriately dressed with an umbrella and I am given the grand tour...guest rooms, where I may change my clothing, restaurant and beach.

The beach: 300 lbs of sand spread across the garage floor. Now you have to remember this is January. Last year when we celebrated my birthday outdoors, it was subfreezing. My friends have taken some precautions not to suffer that way again. And the weather has been merciful, it's 50+ degrees outside and the garage is quite comfortable. So there is sand and seashells. There is a wading pool. There is an ocean backdrop. There are palm trees and lounge chairs. It makes me smile.

The food: Laura, a different Laura, is one of the best cooks I know. Also one of the sweetest people. She has put out an amazing spread of Mexican delights. But my favorite, without a doubt, were the plantains. Fried in butter then served with Dulce de Leche sauce. This was a big hit all the way around. There was a queso fountain. There was a punch bowl full of sangria.

I changed into my bright orange skirt that I bought last year in Mexico. Took off the socks and shoes and slipped into my sandals....thankfully I had shaved and recently painted the toenails. We ate, we drank, we played. People dipped in the pool...briefly, the water did not stay warm long. Bare feet danced across sand. We played pin the tail on the jackass...a grown up version of the popular children's party game. It gave us an excuse to blindfold and spin drunk people. We beat a piñata...more spinning, more drunk people, but with a big stick. I had a treasure chest full, of well, treasure. I should also mention that I had my own cabana boys...one of which really got into his role and provided me with much entertainment. We partied the night away.

I can't think of a better way to celebrate getting older...or people I'd rather do it with.

Let the games begin

Tonight my friends celebrate my birthday (it was the 6th, but schedules didn't align until today). This will be the 3rd year. This is no ordinary party. This is an adventure. The only thing I know about tonight, is well, it's tonight. I am starting to feel anxious in that giddy kind of way. Just about anything is possible...anything. The first year I was kidnapped, literally, by ninjas from in front of a very crowded restaurant. This has kind of set the tone. And has left me ever so slightly paranoid around my birthday. I walk down the street and hope people don't notice me glancing over my shoulder, then giggling when I catch myself. I find myself tonight jumping at every little sound...trying not to be too off guard, I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I love the excitement and suspense. Let the games begin. I love my friends.

Go practice someplace else

Why do they call it practicing medicine? Because it is not an exact science, despite what they might lead you to believe. My doctor's office called me yesterday to give me the results of all my tests. This is one of the things I really like about them. They even call with the normals. I had some lab work and a cat scan (CT) of my abdomen. The CT was kind of an accident..one that cost me $170. I had mentioned to my doctor that I was supposed to have a screening. I inadvertently said CT when I meant ultrasound. I realized this mistake when they brought me two large glass of "kool-aid" to drink. I didn't have to do this the last time. This is when I realized what had happened. Oh well, I'd already paid, the insurance had precerted, I was there and this test would show what I was needing to look at plus I figure might as well have a look around the insides. So yesterday, as I said, the doctor's office calls and reads off all my tests...I passed some, I failed some, but the CT was negative...that would be a positive. Today my doctor's office called me back to say I have a cyst on my ovary with some adhesions blah blah. This was not noted, I guess, in the original results because it was not what we were looking at. So now I get to go back for the ultrasound that I meant to schedule when I scheduled the CT. But I guess it was a good thing I accidentally got a CT. I sure hope they don't plain on doing anything about it. I'm in no mood for abdominal surgery. She said it was 3 mm or 3 cm...she wasn't very clear, or maybe that's when the blah blah part came in...and to be honest I don't know how big/small/significant that is. She assured me it was nothing to worry about..OK great, I wasn't worried until she assured me everything was OK. Says something about the personality, huh? So I get to go get jellied up and ultrasounded (yes, I know it's bad English...but it's my blog, so bite me). At least it is one of the lesser procedures on the scale of uncomfortable or embarrassing. Fun and joy. I wonder how much this one will cost me?

Alice in Wonderland

I have always been curious about the story of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. There seems to be so many bits of the story in the social consciousness, and in my own, but I could not remember having actually read the book or even seen a movie about Alice and company. It absolutely amazes me that a story written in 1865 has had such staying power. I just finished Alice in Wonderland and still have Through the Looking-Glass to read. I have my doubts that the book is why so many people know these characters. The book is really limited on the depth of the characters. Yes, I realize it is a children's book. And now I realize why my recollections of the Mad Hatter, the March Hare and the Cheshire Cat seemed to be snippets...that's all that's really there.

I am also amazed by how extensively the book, and the life of Lewis Carroll, have been dissected. There are books, volumes of books, about this short children's story and it's author. Maybe I'm missing something. I don't know. But I found the story to be a little disappointing. I wanted more than I already had...and it's just not there.

Maybe Through the Looking-Glass will add something, maybe not. Maybe I read these stories ages ago and just forgot. The art work seems really familiar to me. I'm betting there was something "Disney" along the way. That is why everyone knows Alice's adventure.

There is an Alice in Wonderland movie (with Johnny Depp) opening in March. It looks bright and interesting. Hopefully it will be more interesting than the book...and that is a sad, sad thing.

It's a stinky world...

or so you'd think if you pay attention to TV commercials. How many different ways can you fragrance your house? A lot of money is spent convincing people that their homes smell. What are all you people doing?

It's my party...and there will be no crying.

Tomorrow is my 48th birthday. That does not bother me at all. I am happy. Good husband. Good sons. Good friends. I may sometimes complain, but all in all I have a pretty good life. I wish I had more energy and I hate to admit that I'm slowing down, but I still outmaneuver many of my contemporaries. So no tears for growing older...not from me. I'll raise my glass and celebrate because growing older beats the hell out of the alternative.

Cheers to 48!!! May I be fortunate enough to see that many again with my health and mental abilities intact.

Again...words.

This is for me. So that I will remember.

"What did she do for you with her friendship? What benefit was there?"

"I guess I was just able to say I had a friend."

"She used you, yet you felt grateful."

"She really did like me. We really did have some good times."

"She's lazy. That extends to her friendships. If it's easy to be friendly she will be. If the wind blows the other way, her friendship will be gone. And I'm thinking the wind is blowing the other way."

All Together Dead, page 83. Sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone.

Lagging behind

I guess I should have posted my New Year wishes a few days ago but I have been happily busy. I am not a big believer that anything changes because we flip the page of a man made calendar....end of year or not. But if it makes you feel better to wish for bigger, better, brighter for the new year, I will play along and wish those things for you. I seldom hear anyone wish the old year would stay awhile longer. At most, someone may say, it was a very good year. I'm not sure 2009 was a very good year, but overall I can't complain so much. I did not lose anyone close to me...unlike the three previous years. I went to Mexico for the 1st time in 2009 and fell in love. I went snorkeling, something I had always wanted to do. It wasn't as easy as I had expected, but not all things are. I spent a lot of times with friends, maybe even made a few new ones. Discovered a few new places...and lost a favorite restaurant. Maybe started a few new traditions as well as continuing some. I had a wonderful holiday season with only a few bumps along the way. I am a lucky woman. So Happy New Year! Actually, Happy New Decade! I hope it brings you joyous feelings, happiness and love. May you be surrounded by people that accept you for who you are. May you find contentment...as I think that may be the best achievement in life.

Deep thoughts (not really)

I can be a little inconsistent in my personality. I am the silver lining kind of person on the inside, while being the dark person on the outside. People seem to be somewhat surprised by this fact. They make assumptions. Yes, I like dark things. I have a crystal skull as part of my home's decor...year round. Along with a gargoyle, or two, and a dragon. I like sharp pointy things and whips and chains excite me. There are also a fair number of angels, appreciated for their beauty instead of any deep religious commitment. I also have a Gautama Buddha on my dining room table. I appreciate those things that speak to some part of me, no matter their origin or intended meaning or use. I like what I like. I like goth style. I like gamers and geeks. I like tattoos and piercings. I like people that aren't afraid to be different...to search for themselves. On the other hand, I hate constant negativity. Woe is thee. Everyone has bad times...or if not, I'd like to know the secret outside of being totally oblivious. (I've met a few) But some people seem to hold their pain to themselves. They don't seem to be able to move forward...perhaps they think it is safer to stand still even if they are miserable. But I lose focus. Yes, we all suffer. We all have bad things happen. Somethings can not be avoided and somethings must be suffered. But when it comes to daily living, I prefer to see the silver lining. When stuck in traffic, I turn on a favored CD and sip my coffee or open the moon roof and enjoy the sun...getting angry will not move the traffic. Silver lining: I have a little more time to myself. Of course it helps that I am salaried and can not be late for work. I am a realist not an idiot. When I started blogging I promised myself that it would not be a rant about how much daily life sucked and all the things that got me down. But since writing is self therapy, I often need to address those things that irritate me...but instead of bitching, whining and moaning, I approach them with humor. I am a natural born smart-ass. I'll admit it. Actually, I cherish that part of my personality. It is amazing what you can say, as long as you're smiling. So I am complex...like everyone else. People say I am weird, odd, unusual. Maybe because I will say what others will only think. Or, more likely, because I will say what they are afraid to think. They will ask what fun things I've done...but they would never do them. Why not? Are they afraid of being judged as they judge me? Is it so horrible to be different? I prefer to be strange than stagnant.

Happy Boxing Day, eh

It's Boxing Day in Canada...in case you didn't know. I am all for one more reason to celebrate! So I sit here in the glow of my Christmas tree, in warm pajamas with a steaming mug of coffee, and raise a toast to our northern neighbors.  


Christmas 2009 in now in the history books. I was undoubtedly one of the longest, single day, Christmas celebrations I have ever enjoyed. From our morning gift exchange to dinner with friends. When I walked in late last night, I was exhausted...but in that pleasant, it's been a good day, kind of way.  


Contentment...feels good.

Cheers to old traditions...and new

There are many things we do every year to celebrate Christmas. The lights, tree, gifts, wrapping paper and bows. A few make occasional appearances...like eggnog. This year we are adding something new. We are going to have a brunch with our nonbiological family...the people we choose to celebrate with. I actually hesitated to give up my Christmas spent at home wearing my jammies all day. It's how we've done Christmas since the kids were small, as I refused to drag them all over town on Christmas day. But times change. The kids are grown...and slowly making lives of their own. I hope we will forever spend some part of our Christmas day together as we did this morning. But I never want to find myself sitting home alone on Christmas day. I hope there will always be doors open to me and someone that wishes to share my time. So now, I look forward to spending an afternoon with friends. Merry Christmas

Tis the season...

of syrupy sweet holiday commercials that remind me that I am a failure at life. Thanks Hallmark.

Ἀποκάλυψις

It occurred  to me, for whatever reason, that apocalypse and apostle seemed to have the same root word. This, of course, sent me on a search. As I frequently do, I discovered that my understanding of a word's meaning was inaccurate. 


Apocalypse is a Greek term applied to the disclosure to certain privileged persons of something hidden from the majority of humankind. Today the term is often used to refer to Armageddon, or the end of the world. (Wikipedia). 


So my understanding of the word has more to do with it's usage than actual meaning. It is easy to see the correlation between the two words when apocalypse is defined. The apostles, according to the Bible stories I remember, were privileged people of which information was disclosed...I have to wonder about the something hidden from the majority of mankind. 


But then, I've designed the puzzle, made up all the rules and drawn my own conclusions. Is my logic illogical?

Hearing voices

We all talk to ourselves inside our heads. At least I think we do. I have an announcer inside my head that makes random commentary. I have a hard time identifying this voice as talking to myself as it frequently says things that are just utterly bizarre. Today's example...  


As I drove around a curve on I65 this morning I was greeted with a sea of brake lights. My announcer voice comments, "I65 north is lit up like a Christmas tree at a whore house."  


I don't know who that is living inside my head, but I like them.

Life

I'm not really in the mood to write but sometimes things just come up that need to be noted. Life is so weird and interconnected and complicated. Both ends meet in the middle. I wonder how the hell we got here from there. I know, it's all confusing and not making sense. That's because I can't write about my subject matter. You know...people, are involved and other people don't need to know who's involved and the people involved don't need to know what I'm thinking about. Perfectly clear...right? And by the way, if you are reading this and wonder if you are involved...most likely not. The situation is history and removed from me by several degrees. Once again, I know things I wished I didn't...and you can never un-know something. Or maybe I can, since I wondered if I had known this before. It's not even important. I just wonder how it came to be.