Fear

I won't, generally, admit to what scares me. But, I will say that I am more afraid of the things in my head, than almost anything else you can throw at me. I lock it away for long periods of time, but every now and then, the lid creaks open .

And, that, is nearly impossible to escape.

Thinking about what you know

Picture a globe. Here, I'll help...

This is, generally, accepted as a representation of where we live. We all know it, but do we really think about it? The flat surface we stand on, isn't really flat. I'm guessing in North America that we slant north. At the equator, you'd be sticking out at a 90 degree angle, held in place by the invisible force of gravity. That is just not how you think of your place in the universe. So, why isn't it harder to walk north than south?

We also know that the sun does not revolve around the earth, so technically, we misspeak when we talk about the sun moving across the sky. The earth moves beneath the sun. Do I travel faster going east than west?

Just a few minutes inside my head.

I am not weak

I am not sure who decided that women are the weaker sex. Some, not so thoughtful, member of the masculine persuasion, I am sure. Yes, you can likely beat me at arm wrestling, bench press more and even pee standing up. But I challenge you to puberty, menstruation, hormones, pregnancy, childbirth and menopause. Any body that can stand up to all of that is far from weak. So put that bullshit in your pipe and smoke it.

Discovery

I think I have discovered why I am not writing. Those weird random thoughts end up as Facebook status updates instead of a more thought out blog entry. I need to stop that. Why? because I like writing, even for myself. I like thinking through something instead of just a blurb. After all, I'm still getting to know me.

Valentine's Day...what a crock

I have seen, and heard, a lot of people bemoaning their lonely Valentine's Day. I, in no way, wish to belittle your feelings; I can not tell you how to feel...and I, too, have fallen victim to the Hallmark view of life. But I'll share a thought...

Contrary to what TV, florist, chocolatiers, fine dining establishments, Hallmark, etc. would have you believe, not everybody, but you, is sipping champagne by candlelight. Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday. A $13 million holiday based on idealism, competition and a lot of guilt, based on the advertisements I hear. Men feel pressured to go, all out, to prove their love on this one day of the year...lest they be scorned and ridiculed for not living up to the hype. Some women seem to feel the need to brag and show off that their significant other out did yours. Why else are so many flowers delivered to work? It sure isn't for convenience; have you ever driven home with a vase full of flowers? It's the Valentine's Day status symbol. There are a lot of happy couples out there not celebrating, today is no different than any other day. I don't need roses or chocolate to know he loves me. I actually even asked him to not buy me a card. I requested that he pick up dinner, so we wouldn't have to go out...we eat out all the time. I would much rather he buy me flowers on a whim, and roses are not necessary. Rather than a than a 2 lb heart of mystery chocolates, I'd rather have a bag of Lindt truffles; which he went out one evening and bought because I had a sweet craving. Don't let Hallmark make you miserable, on this one day of the year, with their hearts and cupids. I'd almost be willing to bet, that some of those women who were gushing over exorbitantly expensive roses this afternoon at work, would love to trade you for your independence, your solitude, your weekend.

Roses don't buy happiness.

My mind on a treadmill

I get like this sometimes. The mind is jumping about.

I've cried for 2 days over potentially boarding my dog during vacation. I know I am assigning him human emotions when I fear that he will feel abandoned. He is old and doesn't do much. As long as he has a comfy place to sleep, food and the opportunity to eliminate, he will be fine...and better than being left alone and at the mercy of when people get around to him.

I need to get my driver's license renewed.
I need an oil change.
I need to renew my liability insurance.
I need to call about a refund.
I have a doctor's appointment, I need not to forget.
Oh, and my husband is having surgery.

If I make a list, sometimes the mind settles. I am feeling so unsettled.

In other news...today's random thought:

I was never a cheerleader or an athlete; I was in Beta Club and National Honor Society. Instead of sports, I read books. I guess I was a geek before geeks were cool.

I have no idea why my mind was in high school mode.

New Year...yet again

I am not big on New Year as a holiday. My life no more starts anew January 1, than it did at the beginning of any other month. The calendar has been hanging up for six weeks, or so. It's a nice day off from work. I guess I have, from time to time, used the holiday as a time to review, mostly here, when I am feeling sentimental. Though I make no resolutions of change. What I want to change in my life, today, is no different than it has been the rest of this year.

I am not feeling especially nostalgic this year...but I'll try.

2013 started out a little bumpy with a new, and unexpected, job...or, at least, a new company. A year in, and I can say it has been some good, some uncertainty, but nothing horrible. I guess that sums up the year...some good, some uncertainty, but nothing horrible. There have been some horrible years when way too many tears have been shed...so I won't complain. I went to Mexico, for the fifth year; this time with a large group. My second grandchild was born...a baby girl. I'm certain there are important events I'm forgetting. Otherwise, I guess it's been kind of an uneventful year, all in all. Uneventful isn't always bad.

I consider myself lucky. I have a birthday quickly approaching...52. I am not ashamed of my age, though sometimes I feel it and I'm starting to see it in the mirror. I have a good husband, soon to celebrate another anniversary. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have a safe, warm, dry place to sleep. I have two adult sons that seem to be doing okay. I have a plethora of friends that help me laugh. As long as I laugh, life is good.


Do I have hopes for next year? I wish my husband good health. I wish my children happiness and security. I wish my home safe, happy and peaceful. I wish my job would feel solid and secure. I wish my friends happiness, so that they can laugh. I wish to sit hear a year from now and not be able to recall anything terrible about 2014 and say, it's not been a bad year.

Happy New Year

My Christmas vacation

I've never taken a lot of time off at Christmas, because I did not have enough seniority to qualify. This year, I work for a company where Christmas is actually a holiday! That means you don't work. I took the two days following, Thursday and Friday, as vacation days. Then tack on the weekend, and you get five glorious days of vacation. One of the things I quickly discovered, is lots of people have time off around the holidays. This allowed me to spend time with some of my favorite people.

One thing I promised myself was the gift of time. No early morning plans. No running around like a headless fowl. That does not mean locking myself away like a hermit. I get cabin fever. I love an occasional day of nothing, but more than that, and I pace like a caged animal...and probably growl as such too.

My vacation...

I made no plans involving me leaving home before noon.

I shared meals: breakfast, lunch and dinner, with family and/or friends.

I have gone out to the movies and stayed home with a book. (Sunday night edit: Make that 2 books and a short story)

I have slept when tired and risen when rested. This is much more of a treat than many might imagine. My life and my sleep do not coincide well with each other.

I'm on my last day of this wonderful break from life; as tomorrow, I will need to start preparing for my week. I have really enjoyed the gift of time.

Letters

There was a time, when the only way to communicate with someone far away, was by letter. Then came other forms of communication, and the world got smaller. With the invention of the phone, people could communicate verbally, and letter writing, once, almost an art form, fell to the wayside. However, when I was growing up, calling long distance was an unnecessary expense not approved by my parents, so I wrote letters. I still have many of those wonderful letters. Two people telling their story on paper. Words thought through to express just the right emotion...much like my blog, now that I think about it. I had one friend that illustrated his letter with drawings, the envelopes were so elaborate the mailman once asked about them. With cell phones, we have come almost full circle. People no longer talk, they text. But instead of beautifully written letters, heartfelt, or colorfully illustrated letters sent between people that have a bond not lost to distance, we have textese. A short hand communication that has escaped it's boundaries into everyday life. I fear there is a whole generation of people that no longer know how to communicate in any true, proper, form. I don't miss talking on the phone. The phone ringing, mostly serves as an intrusion into my daily life. Seldom is it someone that I want to share my time with. I communicate with friends, family and loved ones, mostly online, sharing through keystrokes instead of ink on the page. I wonder if cell phones became "pocket computers" without the capability of making a phone call, if anyone but telemarketers would care? And I wonder, is that a good thing?

Thank you for being a rock in my stream

When I was in high school, my junior or senior year, my English teacher had a poster on the wall that said something to the effect of: Don't float along on the surface of life, but dive deep. That was over 30 years ago and the meaning, if the not the exact words, have stuck with me. I'm not sure how deep I have ventured in life. I have never wanted a lot. But I have not spent my entire life floating along with the sun on my face either. I rolled over with my mask and snorkel, above the deep, and sometimes, murky waters. Everything has not been all sunshine and rainbows, but then, I like the dark and mysterious. And in my stream of life, there have been people that I have bumped into, and off of. They have slowed my progress, changed my direction and even caused, at times, my own personal rapids. I would not be who I am if not for each of them. Even in rough waters, I have learned something...and a fast and bumpy ride, isn't always a bad thing. I wish I could thank each of them for the parts they've played, whether slowing me down or pushing me along, the calm and the rough, the expected and unexpected. But even in hindsight, I'm not sure I realize the significance of each encounter, or remember every face. But I assure you, I have very fond memories that play frequently in the theater of my mind.

Go ahead, draw a line in the sand

I hate, hate, hate to hear someone give the ultimatum...me or them. Actually, I hate to hear any ultimatum. It does not set well with me. But to have someone say you have to make a choice between them and someone else...argh. I am not talking romantic relationships, that is a whole different subject. I will clarify something, and save you some trouble, if you draw a line in the sand, expect to be standing there alone.

My black Friday...weekend.

The break down:

Chosen camera, regular price $280
On sale for $199, bought at Best Buy with free case and memory card ($23 value).
Savings $103.

Mattress topper, regular price $199
On sale for $99
20% internet coupon, $79
Savings $120
But wait, found it cheaper $70, price matched with 20% discount. $56
Savings $143

Amount spent (before taxes) $255
Amount saved $246

Quarterly bonus from work and cash back from my credit card, $198. So $57 out of pocket. I have a price match guarantee on the camera, so I will be watching it over the next month. It took a lot of time, but shopping the internet has it's advantages. Most of my time was reading reviews and educating myself on the technical terms used with the camera, so that I could compare apples, or more appropriately, apertures with apertures. Then comparing prices, option, etc. mostly while still in my pajamas. I am a happy shopper.

Merry Christmas to me.

I bought myself a new camera today. Ordered it anyway. It was a splurge, and more than I had hoped to spend. At least it was on sale, so $80 less than it would have been...and way outside of my splurge comfort zone. I have always had a fondness for cameras. I have an old Nikon, you know, the antique kind that take film. I had lenses for it that I could read a license plate from a block away...a very long block.

I bought my first digital camera about 6-7 years ago. It's been a good camera, even at a measly 5 megapixels (less than the camera on my phone) and 4x zoom. What amazes me, is the camera can still be purchased, at $699! I assure you, I paid nowhere near that for it. I think I paid for it new, only a bit more than it costs now, used. I have seldom bought anything that has held it's value as well.

So why did I finally update?



Lack of zoom, for catching close ups, usually in nature and the moon. I think I could pour salt on a dark surface and it would look the same as my current full moon photos. The new camera has a whopping 30x optical  and 4x digital zoom. One reviewer said it could capture the craters on the moon. I won't be looking for aliens with my camera, but at least the moon will be identifiable.

Lack of megapixels, I am guessing, is why, when I crop photos, they look grainy and I get a warning when I try to print them. I am hoping 16 megapixels will make that better.

So I'll have a new toy to play with. I love learning how to with something new.

Yes, I am old and fat

I had a dream last night that I was standing, with a friend, at a beach bar in Mexico. The beginning of what would seem to be a happy dream. Except there were these 20-something mean girls there, doing what they do best. They were staring at us, laughing. I asked what the hell they thought was so funny. One of them piped up and volunteered that I was old and fat. I don't remember much else of the dream, only being angry, mostly, because I feared she had hurt my friend's feelings.

I woke this morning, still being haunted by that anger. I hate waking with emotional leftovers...not the first time. Yes, I am old, or at least older than a 20-something, or a 30 or 40-something, for that fact. And, yes, I am fat. I carry more weight than I'd like, but no amount of ridicule from myself, or others, will make me anymore svelte. I just really dislike hateful, mean, people.

Yes, I am old and fat. I have been very fortunate and lived a great life. I have been surrounded by friends that frequently invite me to their tables, for food, wine and laughter. I have partied with the best of them, and lived to tell about it. I have been married a long time, to one man, that would give me anything, within his means, to see me happy. And sometimes, that's just a Reese's Cup, but he knows it will make me smile. And smile I will, that I crossed his mind at some weird, random moment...even when I've told him I am trying to watch what I eat. So, go ahead and snicker, if you're really lucky you'll live half the life I have...else wise, you can die young and leave a good looking corpse. I'd rather be old and fat.

Freedom

I often hear people defending their freedoms. Freedom of speech and the right to bear arms, usually being the most common. I also hear people ask, what about our freedom, frequently when they don't like something. People complain about laws impinging on their freedoms...mandatory healthcare, seat belts, helmets. As a nation we have been promised freedoms that other countries do not enjoy, but there is no such thing as complete and total freedom. If everyone had the freedom to do whatever they wanted, we would live in total chaos. Not even taking it to extremes, I am not talking murder here. What if you planted a tree and a few years down the road, your neighbor chops it down because it shaded his garden or his pool. You have the right to plant a tree in your yard. But what about your neighbor's rights to grow his own food or dislike of ice cold pool water? I know you are thinking, dude can't come in my yard and chop my tree down! And you are right...but something you have done, has effected the quality of life of another person. So your tree is still standing. Along comes Autumn, and your tree starts shedding all over the place. Leaves everywhere! The neighbor on the other side of you, has no trees. Why? Because he hates to rake leaves. Maybe he likes to hunt, and raking leaves takes away time from this. But your leaves don't recognize boundaries, they just blow

all over the place willy-nilly. And I bet you don't go over there and get them. So he's left raking your, and everyone else's, leaves from his yard...and paying to have the trash company haul them away, because he can't dump them in your yard, even though you made the decision to plant a tree. Every freedom has limits, usually to prevent harm to others. You have the freedom to speak your mind, but not if it defames another. You have the right to bear arms, but we don't walk around packing, like it's the wild, wild west. The document we like to wave around was written some 220 plus years ago. Our forefathers could not even imagine such things as motorized transport, open heart surgery or guns that shot multiple rounds. They set down for us a general guideline of freedoms that had been denied them. There are still places in the world where saying you don't like the government is grounds for execution and freedom to worship is denied completely. Though that is a pet peeve of mine, for another time. There are countries where owning a gun is illegal. Anyway, my point is, we do need to defend our rights and there are those that would govern them away from us, one little tiny chip at a time but you can not scream, "What about my rights?" every time shade falls across your garden. It's sort of like crying wolf, after a while it falls on deaf ears. But then, I guess you have the freedom of speech to complain all you want.

Pepper

Even though I was only 8 when my grandfather died, he held a very influential place in my life. I have several very vivid memories of him that I have shared with my husband. I discovered this morning, that my husband has been listening over the years. This morning, he commented that a diner behind me must be the reincarnation of my grandfather. He then explained that the man probably could no longer see his food, for the pepper. Yes, my grandfather liked his pepper. That particular memory involves a plate of great northern beans, a touch of vinegar and then coated in a layer of black pepper. How wonderful that my husband shares my memories, even if he didn't know the man.

Wishes

A friend recently mentioned what people most wish for...love.

Love doesn't just magically appear. There is no Prince Charming with a glass slipper seeking you out. You have to work for it. You have to find it, share it, nurture it. None of which is easy. Nor does love guarantee happiness. But this got me wondering what I would wish for. I am looking at this as if my wish could be granted, and an attitude of, be careful what you wish for.

I usually say what I want most is contentment. A feeling of satisfaction of where I am in life. But there is some lack of drive there. Without a desire to do better, what do you have? I am not sure a perpetual state of contentment would be good for anyone.

I would like to be younger, growing older really is not for the weak. If it isn't your life falling apart, it is someone you care about. The older you get, the more people you loose. More health issues crop up. You slow down, no matter how hard you try to keep up. Everything becomes just a bit harder. So I ask, if I could go back...where? First thought, 21. But I was pregnant at 21, and I don't think I'd want to do that again. Nor, do I want to go back and change being pregnant at 21. Or being married at 18. They may not have been the best choices, but they were the ones I made, that lead me to where I am. There is no way of knowing what effect even the slightest change would have made, so no changing my past. Plus, with the good was pain and sorrow that I do not wish to relive. Besides, 30 was a much better age than 21, I had a much better idea of who I wanted to be. By 40, a better idea of who I was.

I would like to be thinner. I suppose a better wish would be, to have the determination to obtain my goals. Or maybe, even better, I would like to be healthier. Thinness is of little importance if you are otherwise ill, and no amount of determination can make you healthy. I include mental, as well as physical health. I can not think of a problem with this wish, to be physically and mentally healthy. It should not make you, or others, sad. Does not change the past. It should only improve your place in life.

Now, all I need is the magic.

How much is that doggie in the window

worth?

I saw a car this afternoon, with half a small dog hanging out of the driver's window. This bothers me on several levels. How much control does the driver have of his car...or his dog? No dog, no matter how small, belongs in the lap of a driver. It isn't safe for the driver, the dog, or the motorists surrounding them. I am always afraid that dog is going to jump. Just because it hasn't happened to this point, doesn't mean it won't ever. That would lead to the dog being hit, a car being hit to avoid the dog, or both. So sad.

I'm trying not to borrow trouble

One of the hardest things for humans to do, I think, is just to wait and see. The head says don't borrow trouble. Quit with the what ifs. Quit trying to fill in the blanks. Just have to wait for the blanks to fill  in themselves. Even when you have no control, you can't help but over think it.

To continue the streak...

I sat this morning drinking my coffee from my black and white mug, wearing my black and white pajamas, with my black and white dog. Wow, see a pattern? Nah, me neither.

My husband does not understand my excitement at finding black pajamas. I don't know what it is with clothing manufacturers, but they insist on making pajamas cutesy. I really don't do cutesy. Plus, black PJ tops are not so...see through. I don't wear them to sleep, they are my comfy, around the house, clothes. Which means I like to be "decent" enough to get the mail, or not send my sons into, saw Mom barely dressed shock, should they stop by unexpectedly. Even the black pajamas were given a feminine detail. God forbid I be mistaken for a man in my lounge wear. There is a tiny, satin, bow at the neckline...reminiscent of the little bow that once graced all bras, dead center. Dear bow, you are living on borrowed time.

I gave in...

we'll see if I live to regret it.

Today, I got a flu shot!

Not a big deal, you say? I know from past experience that I have about a 50/50 chance of suffering through the next few days with high fever, headache, body aches and, worse of all, utter fatigue. It's so bad that it usually takes me several years before I get the flu vaccine again.

So why do I get it?

Peer pressure, arm twisting, gnashing of teeth, piles of paper work...extortion.

I don't think they can use the word mandatory, but they can make it as unpleasant as possible for anyone that doesn't fall in line. I've heard threats about making the uninoculated wear masks. I've signed declination papers in the past. I keep expecting them to say that if I don't get the shot, they won't pay me for missed work if I get the flu.

It's been about 9 hours and I feel fine. My arm isn't even particularly painful. Here's hoping in the morning, I wake rested and refreshed, not feverish and achy.

Something new

I need to find my way back into this. I enjoy writing, for a variety of reasons. I don't know why I have been absent. I think of topics, but they slip away before I have a chance to think them through.

I've been thinking a lot about being a parent. It is a no win situation. No matter what you do, you're wrong...or so it seems. My mother was a control freak. I decided I would not smother my children. I bet, if asked, they'd say I was not involved enough. Someone told me recently, that their daughter, after dropping a bomb shell, was upset that her parents weren't. They were not upset enough. But I'm sure, if that had become upset, they would have been overreacting.

Parenthood comes without instruction. We all do the best we can with the tools we have. My children only have a small idea of the childhood I had. They have no real clue that most of the decisions I made, were in contrast to the way I was raised. My Mom was not raised in a family, having been turned over to a girl's home at some point in her life, so I think she had no clue how to raise a child. I only knew enough to know that, even though I turned out fairly well, the way about it, wasn't quite right.

I guess there are people out there that think their parents did a fantastic job...I just don't know them.

Let me save you some trouble

I heard a commercial today say that women don't want generic, cookie cutter, fast food, engagement rings. They want designer rings. Embarrassing as I find this, I will have to admit, it is true. So let me give you a piece of free advice. If your woman is like this, put the ring down...and run. You are facing a world of heartache with a person you will never, ever, be able to please.

5 years

Five years ago was October 2008, yes, I know you could do the math. Five years ago today my Mom died. This occurred to me today while eating lunch. So much has happened in those five years. A period of time that both seems so distant, and yet, just a slight reach away.

Do I really need a title?

I heard the song, Show Me How to Live, by Audioslave, again this morning. The same thing happens every time I hear the song. I think of someone. She isn't real to the world, but she is very real to me. That was Quinn's song. It's funny how we attach songs to things, people, places, events. The two seem forever linked in our minds. It isn't just the song, she comes to visit at random times. It isn't as weird as it sounds, at least not to me. I liked her a lot. She showed me things. She changed me. She wasn't always a good influence. Sometimes I miss her.

I look at me

Some recent observations:

I use more than one name, some of them legal...some a flight of my fancy. Some are known by many, some are known by few. Some even come with their own personalities. I am not crazy, I am just... multifaceted.

Apparently, I am happiest and most comfortable, when dressed like a cat burglar. I like black.

I am still trying to figure out my thoughts on being goal oriented, I hate setting goals. Or being competitive, only at times. And having my feelings hurt, not easy. Maybe more on that later.

This was just a drive by. The mind is going 90 miles an hour.

Thinking about you

It never ceases to amaze me how random people will visit my memory house. Some, stop, put up their feet, and make themselves at home, while others, just pop in for a brief visit. Nobody knocks. Someone may visit that haven't been by for awhile, while others seem to drop by almost daily. There are those that have become ghosts of themselves, so faded with time that I'm no longer sure if the memory is true or clouded by pixie dust. They haunt the corners, pushing the cobwebs around. And those that bang about loudly, when perhaps, a whisper...or even silence, would be preferred.  Some, are more welcome than others. Lately, it seems, you've moved in and made yourself at home, even though the fit is a bit tight, the ceiling, perhaps, a bit low. Even when you are not in residence, I know you are never far, sometimes off for a short stroll about the property. But I never doubt you will visit soon, in all your technicolor glory. A little pixie dust doesn't even dull your edges. Actually, to be honest, I doubt you really visit, I think you've probably taken the guest room. It's okay though, I wouldn't be me without the entire collection.

Memorial Day

Today has been a great day off from work, but I have not forgotten the reason behind the holiday. As a matter of fact I have been thinking a lot today about an Uncle I never met. He was killed in World War II when his submarine was sunk. He had a young son and wife at home. My grandmother had a framed letter of condolence from the President that hung on the wall while I was growing up. I heard tales of this hero, my father's brother, as a child, but it was just a story, it wasn't real to me.

This is real:

John Leonard Anderson, Jr.

 

Rank/Rate	Motor Machinist's Mate, Second Class
Service Number	634 66 60
Birth Date	October 24, 1921
From	Louisville, Kentucky
Decorations	Purple Heart
Submarine	USS Herring (SS-233)
Loss Date	June 1, 1944
Location	Near Point Tagan, Matsuwa Island, Kuriles
Circumstances	Sunk by gunfire from shore batteries

http://www.oneternalpatrol.com/anderson-j-l.htm

Legal limit

I've been watching the news. I shouldn't. It makes me angry or depressed...or confused. Tonight I am confused. They are talking about lowering the legal limit for drinking and driving from .08 to .05. As I said before, I'm confused. Is a person impaired at 0.8 or not? If not, why lower the limit? If yes, why was that set as the limit? Surely, we KNOW when a person is impaired, right? It seems to me this is something that would have been thoroughly studied. I know, that the number of drinks to reach impaired varies from person to person, depending on weight and tolerance...oh, and drink of choice. That is where people get in trouble, they think they can handle it. They think they are fine. They are not impaired. They may drive for years without a problem...until they don't. Yes, I know, in a perfect world nobody would ever drink and drive...zero blood alcohol. But we do not live in a perfect world, far from it. They say that lowering the blood alcohol level will save lives. How? People that have always driven drunk will continue to do so. Will the casual, glass of wine with dinner folks not imbibe for fear of crossing an invisible line into impairment? The biggest benefit I can see from lowering the level a whopping .03 is revenue from fines.

Random thought

If there are a Heaven and Hell, I'm going to Hell just for sins I've committed against myself.

A weird thought to float around in my mind on the cusp of sleep. Usually, I am unable to remember these presleep thoughts the next day, but this one prevailed for some reason. I don't know where it came from, no connection to any part of my day...or what it means.