Choosing my poison

Or rather choosing against the poison.

I had my first doctor's appointment of the year today. I go twice a year, whether I'm sick or not. I love my doctor. She reviews with me things that have been going on. We talk about a lot of things...and she knows me well, as she sees me much more frequently than twice a year. She sees me outside the office in my semi-natural element...work.

Today she asked about my fibromyalgia. It waxes and wanes, but my increased stress has annoyed it. It's a nasty cycle of stress, pain, sleeplessness...each contributing to the next, round and round. She asked me again about starting medication. I don't remember the name of this one. Not Lyrica, I was actually foolish enough to try that one. I politely declined the offer, explaining I could deal with the fibromyalgia but I could deal with the psychological side effects of the meds. They make me s-l-o-w. It is very much like being stoned. I don't want to live in a daze. Oh, and there is the dependence. Both times I went off Lyrica, yes, I was stupid enough to give it a second chance, I was deathly ill. I can deal with the flu-like pain, stiffness and muscle spasms. I can deal with the insomnia and fatigue. I can deal with it all, but I can't deal with changing the way I think.

Per WebMD:

Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

• Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness
• Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
• Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
• Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
• Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks ("fibro fog")
• Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome)
• Tension or migraine headaches
• Jaw and facial tenderness
• Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
• Feeling anxious or depressed
• Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
• Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
• Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
• A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet

Fibromyalgia symptoms may intensify depending on the time of day -- morning, late afternoon, and evening tend to be the worst times. Symptoms may also get worse with fatigue, tension, inactivity, changes in the weather, cold or drafty conditions, overexertion, hormonal fluctuations (such as just before your period or during menopause), stress, depression, or other emotional factors.

You have to love that first line, "Fibromyalgia symptoms may intensify depending on the time of day -- morning, late afternoon, and evening tend to be the worst times." That doesn't leave a lot of left over time. Symptoms get worse with fatigue or inactivity...see, damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't have all the symptoms, at least not all of the time. I've encountered people that are on disability for fibromyalgia and I wonder what they do. I hurt worse for being still, honestly, as strange as it sounds. The muscles stiffen and it's hard to move. I have also wondered, if they are disabled from the symptoms of the disease...or the treatment.