I misheard

Today, I heard one of those radio ads for sexual enhancement...you know, one of those "size matters" ads that I am sure is meant to make every man feel inadequate. During the ad, I heard them say something along the lines of, created by the best fornicators. Stop. Rewind. My brain caught up and said, what? I think what they said was, created by the best formulators.

Yesterday, while semi watching TV, I heard an ad I am assuming was for hardwood floors...I was watching HGTV. What I thought I heard was along the lines of, call Boner when woods important. I have no idea what they really said.

What can I say? My brain is an interesting place.

Today's random thought

People are like used cars. You can fix them up, but they still have the miles on them.

Choosing my poison

Or rather choosing against the poison.

I had my first doctor's appointment of the year today. I go twice a year, whether I'm sick or not. I love my doctor. She reviews with me things that have been going on. We talk about a lot of things...and she knows me well, as she sees me much more frequently than twice a year. She sees me outside the office in my semi-natural element...work.

Today she asked about my fibromyalgia. It waxes and wanes, but my increased stress has annoyed it. It's a nasty cycle of stress, pain, sleeplessness...each contributing to the next, round and round. She asked me again about starting medication. I don't remember the name of this one. Not Lyrica, I was actually foolish enough to try that one. I politely declined the offer, explaining I could deal with the fibromyalgia but I could deal with the psychological side effects of the meds. They make me s-l-o-w. It is very much like being stoned. I don't want to live in a daze. Oh, and there is the dependence. Both times I went off Lyrica, yes, I was stupid enough to give it a second chance, I was deathly ill. I can deal with the flu-like pain, stiffness and muscle spasms. I can deal with the insomnia and fatigue. I can deal with it all, but I can't deal with changing the way I think.

Per WebMD:

Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

• Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness
• Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
• Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
• Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
• Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks ("fibro fog")
• Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome)
• Tension or migraine headaches
• Jaw and facial tenderness
• Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
• Feeling anxious or depressed
• Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
• Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
• Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
• A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet

Fibromyalgia symptoms may intensify depending on the time of day -- morning, late afternoon, and evening tend to be the worst times. Symptoms may also get worse with fatigue, tension, inactivity, changes in the weather, cold or drafty conditions, overexertion, hormonal fluctuations (such as just before your period or during menopause), stress, depression, or other emotional factors.

You have to love that first line, "Fibromyalgia symptoms may intensify depending on the time of day -- morning, late afternoon, and evening tend to be the worst times." That doesn't leave a lot of left over time. Symptoms get worse with fatigue or inactivity...see, damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't have all the symptoms, at least not all of the time. I've encountered people that are on disability for fibromyalgia and I wonder what they do. I hurt worse for being still, honestly, as strange as it sounds. The muscles stiffen and it's hard to move. I have also wondered, if they are disabled from the symptoms of the disease...or the treatment.

Self bartering

I have been overanxious the last few days. The subject of my anxiety seems to be a vacation that is being planned enough in the future that it should be on a back burner. That is why I do not think that is the real issue. I think I'm becoming anxious over something that does not need to be considered, rather than worrying about the more immediate threat. Though technically, both occurrences are set to happen within a weeks time frame. Not a week now, but a week far in the future. Wow, as I say that I wonder if I can manage both things that closely together? I have no control over the timing of one, but a little over the other. And as I have no control over the one that I think my psyche is trying to protect me from, I wonder what good it will do me to fret about it? Wait, I do have control. I don't have to float along the stream if I feel my destination is the open maw of a beast ready to devour me.

OK, a bit over dramatic. I don't like feeling anxious and I am surrounded by it at work right now. So many people, so unsure...and no answers to allay their fears. The unknown is always the worst fear. I absorb their emotions like water to a sponge.

Research

When are scientist going to figure out that EVERYTHING causes cancer and quit spending money researching the cause? How about spending your time and all that money on a CURE, or at the very least, a better treatment. There isn't hardly a week that goes by that there isn't some new research about what causes cancer. Today, it was sleep apnea. I am reminded of something I once read, "Research causes cancer in rats."

Cancer is the normal replication of cells, gone haywire. What triggers this malfunction is under constant study. I guess scientist hope if they can figure out the cause, they can prevent it. But from all the studies I've heard we'll have to give up eating, drinking...breathing.

Crime and punishment

If there were enough people reading my blog, I'm sure I'd get some grief for this one. First off, I will admit that I do not know all the facts. I watch the news...I don't think that means I know all the details. I'm just a little confused by two stories I heard tonight, one on the local, the other on the national news. I am expressing my confusion based on the stories as I perceived them. Now that I have completed the disclaimer...

On the local level, a high school teacher was sentenced to 10 years for, as I understand it, propositioning a 13 year old girl on Facebook. Propositioning. An inappropriate conversation. Yes, he was wrong. Yes, he was in a position of authority. But nothing in the news story indicates that there was ever physical contact. Nothing says pictures were sent. He propositioned her. She told her Dad, the police were called. Ten years? All I can think is there is more to the story they are not reporting.

Now in contrast...

A college student uses a "spy cam" to video tape his roommate. He broadcasts the roommate's "sexual encounter" live on the web, daring, his word, people on Twitter to view the live feed. Shortly after finding out about the video the 18 year old boy jumped from a bridge to his death. Because it was a gay encounter, there were accusation of a hate crime. This college student, was sentenced to 30 days and 3 years probation.

I do not know what the right answer, or sentence, is for these crimes. But they seem off to me, especially when contrasting the two. There doesn't seem to be any sense, logic, fairness.

Change

I have a lot of thoughts on change. I may have even shared a few. I am becoming an unintentional expert. I left my job of 14 years, because, well...it was killing me. The stress level had become unbearable. I cleaned out my desk, and with some trepidation, but a light heart, I moved on. Five months after starting the new job, I was transferred to another location. Desk number 2 cleaned out. This time, the change was not my choosing...but it felt like a good move. A few months after the transfer, I found out I was losing my job due to downsizing. I found a job with my former employer, cleaned out my desk, and looked forward to a bright future. I have spent the last seven weeks in orientation...feeling inadequate. I am not used to not knowing what I am doing. Today, I find out the parent company of my employer has "partnered" with a company that specializes in what I do...what I am learning to do. Well, technically, they specialize in finances...I am but a tiny cog in that wheel. So in January, I will be employed by that new company. The good news...I still have a job. I will work at the same place, with the same people, with the same boss and the same pay. I will, according to the new company's website, get nine paid holidays as opposed to the six I get now. There were not a lot of details...more to come. My greatest fear: they will change the rules; make us work set hours, make us work weekends. I am sure there are worse things...but I refuse to go there. My sanity isn't that strong. At least I don't have to clean out my desk...yet.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course...

I was a little annoyed when I first heard about the jockey being suspended from horse racing for beating his girlfriend. You take away a man's livelihood based on an accusation? The man's job does not put anybody at risk, so why not let him work until the dust settles? What happened to, innocent until proven guilty? Now you may have noticed that I said, "when I first heard"...since then I have heard on the news (and we know that all newscasts are factual and unbiased, true?) that he was already restricted from a previous charge of abuse, and was only allowed to ride as long as he stayed out of trouble. I don't know...I still feel he has been deemed guilty without due process.

Eyes

I have heard it said that eyes are the windows to the soul. If this is true, I don't know how anyone could look into the eyes of a dog and ask if they have a soul. I see love and intelligence...and some undefinable...

spark.

It isn't just dogs. I see this in lots of animals...but not all.

The same can be said for humans. Sometimes you look into the windows of the soul, and realize nobody is home.

Brillant

Want to know a sign of absolute brilliance? Taking an undesirable item, something that has no value, and advertising it as something special, limited, and therefore desirable. What makes me think of this is "chocolate diamonds". I'm guessing these are the diamonds that used to be discarded...maybe used in tools. Then some brillant, and apparently brave, individual decided to market them. Why not? If they can convince the public that they want it...need it. There is money to be had. Market it with a fancy name, I mean chocolate sounds so much better than brown.

Where is my GPS?

I had a plan with that last post, but I must have lost my map, because I never got there. This frequently happens. Usually because of the lapse of time between my mind turning over an idea and my ability to sit down and think it through and apply to megapixels.

As previously stated, I've had people on my mind, people long gone. This type of reminiscing happens to me ever so often. I am not seeping in regret...but, I think, more reminding myself of lessons learned. Reminding myself where I have been to appreciate where I am...and even a few happy memories.

Anyway, I digress. My goal, the thing that keeps knocking on my memory bank seeking attention...

There have been a few people I have known, that were/are, what most people call, two-faced. I'm not sure what triggered this particular line of thought. It has not been a recent experience. But usually, when something doesn't dissipate on it's own, it needs further exam. So here I am, again.

The behavior I speak of, is the person who will say I love you to your face, then talk bad about you the moment you are out of earshot. I do not understand this behavior. If you care for me, why talk bad about me? If you don't like me, why pretend? Okay, let me clear something up, behavior towards a person you don't care for, but maybe, for whatever reason, impossible to avoid...I do not believe that you need to be rude. It is usually unnecessary, and uncalled for, surely you were taught better. But you can be polite without being someone's best bud.

Where I tend to come into this, is the ear on the other side...though occasionally, I know I have been the subject. My mother was notorious for this type of behavior. I'm not talking about a bitch session. You can love someone without necessarily liking everything they do. Everyone, I guess, gripes about the people in their lives from time to time...very normal. The difference, is when someone will say something along the lines of they really don't like someone, but they will jump all over spending time with that person because there is some benefit. Two-faced. And every time I am the "ear" in this equation, I can't help but think that person is treating me the same way when I walk out of the room.

I'm not sure I am any closer to understanding why this has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Maybe I have heard some snarky comment recently and I still haven't resolved it. Hmmmm. I'm hungry...maybe I can't do self therapy on an empty stomach.

Long gone, never forgotten

It is amazing how much influence people can have on your life, even when they are no longer a part of it. From our earliest days we are influenced by the thoughts and behaviors of others. People come and go, some by their choice, some by your's...and others, by no one's choosing.

I think of people with random activities that remind me of something they used to do. I wonder about the well being of people I have lost touch with...even after years. People haunt my dreams.

Not every influence has been good, some have been invaluable, and some...it's hard to know the difference. Sometimes it's only clear in the rear view mirror, sometimes not even then.

I won't regret. I kind of like who I am.

Diversity

I have had several topics floating about recently in need of closer examination, but hadn't put thought to blog (instead of pen to paper) yet. But a new one has reared it's head demanding my attention. This may not even be a new topic, but here it is again.

There is a lot of talk about diversity. It seems everyone pays it lip service as the right thing to do...the school system, the government, the job. But honestly, a good deal of people are only comfortable if people are different just like them.

I recently saw a poster that said something to the extent of, "People with tattoos don't care that you don't have one." Wow, did that hit home. I never criticize a person for not choosing ink. I can't say that people have always showed me the same courtesy. Not that anyone's opinion of my art concerns me, it's the point of it.

The same can be said for religion, the Atheist I have encountered don't care what you believe, they just want the right not to. In peace. They don't want it explained to them...over and over again what you think they don't understand.

Diversity needs to encompass everyone, not just race/ethnicity/culture...but choice. Choice is what makes us individuals. It's what makes us interesting.