New Year's Eve...I'm going to rant a bit.

New Year's Eve, seems the perfect time to get a few things off my mind. So I am going to sit here with my hardcore pumpkin spice coffee and do so.


The latest news on my mind, the Governor of Kentucky vetoed a merger between several local hospitals declaring that it was not in the public's best interest. I am not going to debate that point. Even I could see some problems in the proposed plan. This is also going to effect me directly as it may be the end of, or the saving of, my job. That fall out is yet to be seen. I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst because I like my job. There are a couple of things that annoy me, outside of the personal issue. One, this merger had publicly been in the works for months, many, many months, before the government stepped in. Time, money and resources wasted, at a time when money is already hard to come by. (Personally, I think Medicare will eventually bankrupt the system). I suspect there were other entities putting there fingers in the pie and stirring the pot because the merger was not in their best interest. Two, does the government have the right to step in and make this decision? The Governor stated that University Hospital falls under Public Trust (The public trust doctrine is the principal that certain resources are preserved for public use, and that the government is required to maintain them for the public's reasonable use.) Which lead me right up to my next grumble. If University Hospital is a public trust and the government is required to maintain it...why was it in such a dire situation requiring it to look to merger for financial assistance? Because believe me that is what this was all about. The Catholic run hospital system, CHI, has the money to put in. But along with their money comes their doctrine...no birth control. And that is where the government stepped in. So my next question would be, so what now? They stopped the merger but what are they going to do to save University Hospital? The public's best interest will not be served if the hospital closes. Oh, and by the way, if you think University is the only hospital giving indignant care in the city, let me sit down and laugh at you naivete...until I cry. I have been in a position to see the $$$ spent on care to the under and uninsured at other hospitals in town. So what does the future hold? My Magic 8 Ball replies, "Who the hell knows." I don't...I'm just waiting to see if I still have a job.


Wow, that felt good. I seem to have forgotten the other stuff I wanted to rant about...oh wait, there it is.


I went out to the mall yesterday. Yes, I know that was my first mistake. I spent a couple of hours wandering here and there with a mental list of a few items that I could, might, possibly, need if they were to materialize in the right size, shape, color and price range. (I came home empty handed). The mall was very crowded with, I suppose, post holiday bargain shoppers and people with Christmas money burning holes in their pockets...the exact things that had driven me to drive to the mall. So, there I am, aimlessly wandering through a sea of other aimless wanders. A situation that requires, actually begs for, manners. I had one person say, "Excuse me." as she passed between me and the item I was aimlessly staring at. ONE, in like two or three hours in a crowded mall! Believe me, there were many opportunities for people to pull out and polish their niceties. (Example: I stopped and picked up a shoe box dropped by an overburdened father. Overburdened by multiple small children, and apparently new shoes for them all. He had his hands full and, as I mentioned earlier, I did not.) So much for good will to men. People suck.


Ahhh, my chest feels definitely better. Good to unburden.


Now on to a few other things that need mentioning here on this last day of the year...


I love my friends. They make me happy. I have a good family, mostly non-biological. I am generally happy...only a few things weigh heavy on my mind. I have a job I really like and hope to hold onto. I am looking south, towards Mexico, again as the weather turns colder and friends that are willing to go with me. Actually, quite a few friends (11 currently) have popped up and said they'd like to go in 2013. I guess that is assuming the whole world ending thing isn't a problem. See, not everything is a gripe.


Lastly, my birthday is quickly approaching. I'm getting old, maybe I shouldn't have said, lastly. In 6 days, on the 6th, I get a 0 on my birthday. Zeroes only come around once a decade (like the other numbers, shhhh) and need to be treated with dignity and respect...so I'm getting a masquerade party! An excuse to dress up outrageously...have I mentioned I love my friends?


And lastly, I didn't want that lastly attached to my birthday to be last...my blog, my rules. Life is not going to change tomorrow just because we all bought new calendars...get over it. Celebrate anyway. Make resolutions that you never keep. Keep promises, never made. Love, laugh, drink and be merry...but designate a driver.


Happy New Year.

12 days of Christmas... again, I'm sure.

It is not just a song about a partridge in a pear tree. Have you wondered why there are 12 days of Christmas? Christmas is not the twelfth day as many seem to think...but the first. January 6th (my birthday) is the last day of  Christmas or The Feast of Epiphany. It is celebrated as the time the Magi, or wise men, arrived in Bethlehem. I say celebrated...as there is nothing in scripture that says how long the Magi traveled. It does say that the Magi visited Jesus at his house...not the manager where he was born. Seeing the 3 wise men in manager scenes at Christmas has always been a special annoyance to me. Oh, while we're on the subject, nothing in the Bible says there were three wise men, just that they gave three gifts.

They're baaaaack

The holidays. How is it, that it's already been another year? Life is moving too fast on a large scale. Even my weeks seem to fly by.

It's Christmas Eve and I am not ready for Christmas. The tree is up and decorated. The gifts are wrapped. The baking is done and delivered, although very unsuccessful. The banana nut bread needs a do over. But I am not emotionally prepared. I am not ready for it to be over. I think I am still secretly, in my heart of hearts, waiting for that moment of shiny brightness called holiday joy, family, peace of earth and good will to men. I hate Hallmark and Hollywood. Truly. There just isn't enough time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's like a two care drive by. I'm still trying to get the license number on the first one when the second one rushes by. Then New Years, quickly followed by my birthday. Bam, bam, bam, bam...and I sit in the street in stunned silence. Glad that it's done but wishing it could have lingered to be savored just a bit more.

I am not complaining. I am not wishing it to be all done and over with. This is the first time I've ever had a job that seemed to recognize the holidays. I have 2 four day weekends. I spent 4 1/2 hours yesterday with 2 great friends. We exchanged goodies, ate lunch and talked...and talked. It was so relaxing. Perfect companionship. When I got home I was surprised by my son and the grand munchkin. Since the grandson would be going out of town we sat down and gave them their presents. It is a great joy to watch a child open presents...even if he wants to eat the wrapping paper and play with the box.

There will be more celebrating today and more tomorrow. We do not believe that everything has to happen on a particular day...it just makes life unnecessarily complicated.

Much to do, as the sky begins to lighten, so if you celebrate Christmas, merry. If you celebrate another feast, happy. If you have chosen a different path, well met. I hope that you find joy and merriment, may your cup runneth over and your harvest be bountiful. May you be surrounded by the people that give you happiness and may you be a blessing to each of them. I wish you smooth seas and the stars to navigate by.

like/love

You can like a person without loving them.
You can love a person without liking them.

I have had people in my life in each category. Much, and many more, in the first one. Like is simple and potentially immediate...love takes time. Liking comes and goes, waxes and wanes...love should not, at least not frequently.

I have liked people and later changed my mind as I got to know them...and disliked people to change my mind for the same reason.

I have loved people, but seldom, very seldom, have I quit of loving. As it should be. It is so very strange when you realize that you no longer love someone. That realization occurred to me today, suddenly, without fanfare or sadness. It has been a long time coming.

The sunny side

I don't know what happened today. The fog lifted...and there was the sun. And I do not mean that literally as December has arrived shrouded in dreariness. I suddenly feel better. More like me...the me I like. I might have even found a spark of energy. A pep in my step. I wish I knew what happened so I could call it up again when needed. I would like to hold onto this feeling a while. Would be nice. I still have no control over my future but at least I'm not crying in my, um, tequila.

Here's a toast...to finding there is life in life again. Long may she reign.

Control

I am feeling out of sorts; physically, mentally, emotionally. Not myself. There is a lot going on. A lot that I am not going to go into...beating a dead horse and all. Then there is Christmas. I am never quite ready for it. It comes too fast. It all just makes me realize how little control I have in my own life. No matter how much thought, planning, effort involved, it really comes down to happenstance. I really hope to feel better soon. I don't like me like this.

Nook Color...finally

As the titles states, I finally started using my Nook Color. It's what...4 months old? I had a ton of physical books when I bought it. I still have a few, but decided it was time. After all, I'd like to use it before the warranty runs out. I read 6-7 chapters of the Hunger Games last night. I really, really like it. I don't have to hold the book open. That may not seem like a big deal...unless you have tendinitis in your thumbs. The 1100+ page books of the Game of Thrones series has not helped in the least. I love that I can look up words that are unfamiliar. Usually, I just assume the meaning by the context and move along...no longer. Most importantly, I am not a slave to the light source in the room. This is major to me! I can sit wherever I like, comfortably, and not struggle to see the page. The only potential downside that I see at this point...books don't have to be plugged in.

What the future holds.

I want to quit worrying. Don't we all. I have myself just about convinced, then someone has to raise the subject and add their log to my butt roast. I jumped to a new ship in June and it seems almost immediately we were taking on water. There sits that big elephant in the middle of the lido deck and no news is not always good news. I don't want to start over. I like what I'm doing. And I have this small ::cough:: fear that I may find myself on a raft if I get dumped in the sea. I can't help but think the entire crew knows the score but nobody is sharing with me. That is unlikely, as most places leak like Swiss cheese. But it gnaws at me. I want to either sit back and bask in the glow of my PC monitor or take swimming lessons.

Humorless

I seem to have lost my humor. I have been trying, but no luck. I am not in a bad mood. I don't feel particularly bad. I think with all the retraining and resettling I have going on, the mind has shifted into serious mode. I don't like it. I need to write, free form, just to get the mind in a different mode. But I seem also to be without subject matter that matters to me.

Things will eventually sort out, for good or for bad. Life will settle down or get hectic. Either way, I will find myself eventually. I look forward to the new year, everything should be known by then. I will either be job hunting or planning my vacation. We'll see.

I had a dream...

Mine are never as spectacular as MLK's...thought you should know up front.

In my dream, I was asked if I had a hobby. I replied that I whittled (I don't). The next obvious inquiry, of course, is, what do you make when you whittle?

I had a grandfather that made stuff, I guess toys, with working parts, like pliers.

Even in my own dreams, what do I make when I whittle? I make sticks disappear.

How disappointing.

Addendum to previous post...

Also, when I buy multiples of something in different colors...as I often do, they should fit the same. If I find a pair of pants that fit perfectly, I will buy 3-4 pair in different colors, in of course, all the same size. So why will one pair not fit at all? I have found this is true with about every clothing option; pants, shirts, bras, underwear...everything except

An open letter to clothes manufacturers:

I am an adult woman. Middle-aged, I suppose. And probably considered plus-sized. Not that any of that should matter. I have a professional life and a play life. I don't want to dress like a teenager, but I'm not ready for the nursing home either. Which seems to be my choices...juniors or seniors, I mean, ladies/misses. I want clothes that are comfortable, stylish, affordable and durable. I used to have trouble finding pants long enough (I'm 5' 7"), now it's the shirts. I have a longer than usual torso, but I am not alone in this issue. I want shirts long enough that don't show my midriff every time I raise my arms. This has become a huge annoyance for me, especially at work. For the prices I pay, you'd think you could add a few extra inches of fabric to the bottom. And why can't I buy that cute shirt in a larger size? You sure cater to the XS crowd.

Signed, Adult sized and short shirted.

Borrowed words...

I heard a piece tonight from comedienne Wendy Liebman. There was something about it. I had to find it online so that I could share it.

(slightly edited)

Prepare, show up, do your best, and learn for next time.
Life is what’s right in front of you. Try to live in the moment.
Get to know the people who are closest. Respect everybody else. Don’t forget the back.
Trust your instincts.
Never attack the weak.
You are equal to everyone. You are idiosyncratic and unique.
Hear what your hecklers and critics have to say.
Transform negativity into healthy competition.
People communicate through speech and sounds, movement and silence.
Be really specific.
Know what you want.
Choose words carefully.
Deliberate (think) and be deliberate (speak and do).
This is not a dress rehearsal, but you are a work in progress.
Some of the best moments can’t be planned. There is always a bit of luck and magic involved.
Know when to be serious.
Don’t take the obvious for granted. Remember to breathe and stand up.
Artistic license is freedom either to tell the truth or to use your imagination, and to not have to say which is which.
Sometimes you’re great. Sometimes you suck. Most of the time you’re fine.
Persistence, patience, and listening are the key.
Laugh at yourself while keeping your dignity.
Remember that dying is inevitable – hopefully it won’t be tonight. When it happens, it probably won’t be your fault. And it might not be the last time.
Hope that everyone dies laughing.

Today's random thought

As I turned down the thermostat this morning I glimpsed the future. 

There will come a day when there is a hypothyroid husband and a menopausal woman living in my house. 

Things may get ugly. 

Forgiveness

I have decided that it is hard to truly forgive. I have done it. Forgave...and forgotten. Sometimes that has come back to bite me in the ass. You can forgive and move on, sometimes with, and sometimes without, that person. Forgiving and moving beyond that person is probably done mostly for your own sanity. Forgiving and accepting that person back into your life...can make you very vulnerable. Opening yourself up to someone that has proven untrustworthy once, that is not easy. I learn from my mistakes and you won't get a second chance...or would that be a third chance?

There have been a lot of things happening recently that have turned my thoughts to trust and forgiveness. Some even have me questioning my ability to read people...a skill, I confess, that I have not honed well. Some of that is from trusting people to be what they seem. It is a painful truth that people will lie to you on the very bases of who they are.

As far as forgiveness, it is a skill too. A decision based on the best knowledge you possess at the moment. A decision possibly based on your heart more than your head. It is painful to be betrayed by someone that is important in your life...and so much easier to forgive and pretend it did not happen. A misunderstanding. Proximity makes it easier to forgive. I think the more distance, and time, that passes the harder it is to forgive. With time, events are replayed and examined...over and over and in fine detail. With distance, you realize life does indeed go on without that person being a part of it. 

And sometimes, there just isn't enough, "I'm sorry." in the world.

Reminding myself...

What I hear is not necessarily what you meant to say. I may take offense when none was meant. I am a master at sarcasm, but wonder if I miss it from those less talented.

How I feel...

I'm not sure how even to express that thought. Why is it that I find a certain situation awkward? When I am seldom uncomfortable. Am I picking up on a subtle vibe? Or am I reading into it? Expecting the wrong thing? Too much expectation? Not everyone is as quickly acclimatized as I am.

I have to make the choice how I feel. I always say you can not tell me how I feel or think is wrong. If I say the sky is orange. You can argue with me that my facts are wrong. If I say I think the snow is purple...

If I feel like a third wheel, I do not need to know the source of the feeling...only that it is real to me.

A correction...

I often feel the need to correct the flaw in some people's thinking. I hear, on occasion, the bragging of men regarding their ability to, and obvious convenience of, being able to stand and pee. For some strange reason, men seem to think this makes them superior. Contrary to popular belief, women can urinate standing up...it's the aim we have difficulty with.

And that reminds me of a joke....


Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

Being sick

There was a time, when you were sick, you went to the doctor...and got an antibiotic.

And you usually felt better in 3-7 days.

Then they taught us that antibiotics didn't fix everything (which is why it still took 7 days sometimes) and paying to see a doctor and not even getting a prescription to validate the fact of your sickness, was, well...painful.

So now days when you get sick, you wait. Wait for the potential cold to pass...7-10 days. Then you think, well maybe just a few more. Surely I will feel better...tomorrow. At some point you have to concede that perhaps a doctor's visit is in your best interest...cause you feel like crap. And have for 2 and 1/2 weeks.

So I, um, you, leave work early to get checked out and render this illness defeated! So what started out as a cold? then seemed more like pharyngitis when you lost your voice and maybe just allergies, since the face was itching turns out to be a sinus infection, ear infection and urinary tract infection...because maybe you waited just a little longer than you should have. How are you supposed to know?

Thank the pharmaceutical company's greedy little pea picking hearts for Z-pak. Three infections for the price of one antibiotic and a couple of days instead of another week to 10.

Maybe I'll feel better by the weekend.

Going bump in the night

Once upon a time, not so terribly long ago, I was afraid...

of a lot of things.

Every now and then I can strike something from my list and have one less fear.

This is a good thing.

As I walked through the woods last night, yes, last night, it seemed funny that this peaceful place once frightened me. All the little sounds from creatures great and small that I might admire in the daylight, become so menacing when you can't see them.

Every little snap of a twig.

Family

I have a sister. She is an only child, just like me. Her daughter does not call me Aunt. She calls me "step-mommy girlfriend" and she is married to my "formerly conjoined twin from another life".

Sometimes a square peg will indeed fit into a round hole. When you open your mind and heart to creative possibilities


...and power tools.

A story long forgotten

Something made me think of this yesterday...

After my parents bought a house in Florida, my Dad wanted a palm tree in the yard. Mom didn't...and it was usually easier to just let Mom have her way. But Dad could sometimes make an end run around my Mom...he was a clever man.

He had acquired a palm tree seed somehow and while my sons and I were visiting he told them they were going to plant the seed and wouldn't that be fun? I think they were about 3 and 6. Of course, they agreed wholeheartedly.  Dad dug a hole, the boys put in the seed and watered it, then Dad gave them magic dust to sprinkle over it. Mom was at work during all of this conniving. When she got home the boys excitedly explained about the palm tree and the magic dust. My Dad got one of those looks. My Mom and I took the kids to the beach. My Mom voiced her exasperation at my Dad's behavior, outside of the boy's hearing thankfully. She could not understand his desire for a palm tree, they make a mess, she said. No big worry, she continued, what were the chances that the tree would even grow. No telling where he got the seed...or how old it was. She ranted awhile, I nodded my head, then moved on to other things. Soon the palm tree was forgotten. The boys ran and played. As we headed home the boys were happy...and exhausted. We pulled into the driveway and they tumbled out of the van, their excitement suddenly peaked as they spotted the palm tree standing where they had planted it hours earlier...every bit of 3-4 foot tall.


My Dad was so proud...but smart enough to smother the smile. He knew that palm tree was a protected for all time, because it was...the boy's magic palm tree.

Random thoughts of the day

As I fell asleep last night...

Many of human similarities are innate. It's our choices that make us different.

This afternoon...

There is no greater critic than the person not doing the work.

How's that for deep?

You never know

I asked a man at breakfast who had done his art work (tattoos)...as they were very well done and I was somewhat afraid he'd caught me staring. He told me the name of the artist then shared the stories behind each piece. He has a full colored sleeve on one arm (shoulder to wrist) and working on a grey scale (black only) on the other. We talked for a long time about meanings, ink, artists and perceptions. I was wearing long sleeves...he said, looking at me, he would never guess that I had ink. I pulled my collar over to show him. He admired mine as I had his. It's nice to share a common interest.

Looking into the looking glass

I stand before the mirror, nothing there but me and truth. I am getting older, no denying. I examine my face closely. I see the sun damage from a youth spent under the sun. That's what we did when I was young, played...outside. Suntans were in. The only thing applied to the skin was what would make the tan darker, deeper, quicker. I see the lines on my face. But mine are not so much from worry or frowning. They are more obvious when I smile...around my eyes and the otherwise smooth plains of my cheeks. I guess I won't complain too much, if I've earned my lines from a life well spent.

Warning...words of an adult nature

Have you ever wondered why a word is deemed bad? What is a bad word? One that is inappropriate from the mouths of babes? Also known as "four letter words"...though love has four letters too. I have often wondered how certain words get deemed inappropriate. The following are familiar words as defined by dictionary.com:

damn

   [dam]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to declare (something) to be bad, unfit, invalid, or illegal.

2.

to condemn as a failure: to damn a play.

3.

to bring condemnation upon; ruin.

4.

to doom to eternal punishment or condemn to hell.

5.

to swear at or curse, using the word “damn”: Damn thetorpedoes! Full speed ahead!

shit

   [shit]  Show IPA noun, verb, shit or shat,shit·ting, interjection Vulgar .

noun

1.

excrement; feces.

2.

an act of defecating; evacuation.

bitch

   [bich]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a female dog: The bitch won first place in the sporting dogscategory.

2.

a female of canines generally.

3.

Slang .

a.

a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, especially awoman.

b.

a lewd woman.

c.

Disparaging and Offensive . any woman.

4.

Slang . a person who performs demeaning tasks for another;servant: Tom is so her bitch; she just ordered him to gofetch her some pizza—and he went without a word.

5.

Slang . a convict who is in a homosexual relationship and/ordominant relationship willingly or unwillingly in the prisonsetting: The new inmate was immediately forced to be thebitch of the prison's top dog.

fuck

   [fuhk]  Show IPA Vulgar .

verb (used with object)

to have sexual intercourse with.

If you read the definitions there isn't anything offensive. So who decided? It's like the swastika. A symbol that was used around the world for 3000 years, usually a symbol of life or good luck. That is, until Hitler adopted the symbol for the Nazi party. Now the symbol represents hate and death to most people. 


So what makes something bad?




 Perception.