Nook

Broke down and bought my self an e-reader. Nook Color.
Hopefully, I haven't bought too soon and the next greatest thing isn't released next week. I waited awhile, not wanting to jump on the e-reader band wagon, but the color offering was hard to resist. Yes, I know, books are typically black and white. So what's the point of color?







The Nook Color allows you to access the Android marketplace and download apps. Angry Birds just wouldn't be the same without color.









Plus, I have a grandmunchkin to think of...nobody wants to read Dr Suess in black and white. You need to know which fish is blue or red and that the ham is green and so is the Grinch...and top hats should be red and white.

Dread

Sometimes there are things that worry you. They worm their way unbidden into your thoughts. Unrealistic, almost a nightmare when you're awake. Except these are real, plausible, possibilities. Things you can't really help. I feel the dread, the stress, weary into my bones. My brain travels roads I'd rather not shed light on. Dark places, unsafe, dangerous, unhealthy. It's distracting, relentless. Not a good place to dwell but it seems to resist all efforts to dislodge it, like a gigantic boulder stuck in a narrow pass. Sometimes I think it's learned behavior. Life has been good, so something horrible must happen to even the scales.

The pen is mightier than the sword.

Or so it has been said. Words do carry a mighty power. And some words never die. I am being haunted by words that were said in anger by someone I will not name. They were sincerely meant at the time, I have no doubt. But it was a different time...a worse time.

That is one of the problems, once spoken...or worse, I think, written, words can never be retracted. Apologies can be made, but you can never erase those words. And when the words are hurtful, the pain lingers.

Words are often said in anger, hate...even fear. They may not be sincere, but emotionally driven. I've even had words said in jest, that nicked a particular sore spot. I do have a  few.

As for this particular pain, I will wait it out. We shall see what comes of it. A lot of water has passed under that particular bridge. A few band-aids slapped on and fences mended...I just wish I could forget those hateful words.

To complete that thought...

I realized my last post was more like an outline of my thoughts. It's been a few days...I have moved on. But one thing keeps coming back to haunt me. I met a very debilitated lady recently that told me she was on disability for fibromyalgia. It wasn't the first time. I have fibromyalgia. I refuse to be disabled. I suppose the severity of the disease could vary. I also suppose that I could just be stubborn as hell. I have had a number of doctors comment that they don't know how I do what I do. I have been told to apply for disability...in 1998, actually. Right after the car wreck that shifted disc around in my neck and my lower back. I was 6 months out of nursing school and they tell me I can't do the work with my neck and back injured. I refused surgery and went back to work. I worked at the bedside for another 4 1/2 years.

Am I in pain? Yes. But guess what? Sitting around, being a lump on a log, does not make me feel better...quite the opposite in fact. The more active I am, the more I push myself, the better I feel. Eventually, I get worn down and I need a break...but then I'm right back to pushing the envelope.

Never forget...

I have been hurt, emotionally and physically.

I have irretrievably lost people. Some to death. Some for other reasons. Some of my choosing...some not.

 I have been sick...and I'm still not well. I will never be well, just, sometimes, better.

I have had a broken heart...and I suspect, have caused a few.

I have had regrets for things I have done...and for things I didn't do.

I haven't always gotten what I deserve...and sometimes I am downright grateful for it.

Every now and then, everyone needs to be reminded that no matter what...things could be worse. I am a nurse. I work in a hospital. I see worse everyday. I am grateful for my life.

Good

It's how I feel...even though I am also tired. I need a shower. It's been hot as hell here, 100+ with outrageous humidity. Every part of me feels a little icky. And yet, I feel good. I spent an entire afternoon with my non-biological sister. We had pedicures and lunch with ice cream and shopping....lots of shopping. That is where the tired comes in. We walked off the lovely feeling of our pedicures...we really must rethink our strategy.

It feels so good to find someone that you have just enough in common with. The conversation flows easily. We shop the same places. We wonder aimlessly...comfortably.

It isn't so much about the activity as it is the time spent together...like real family.

Except we like each other.

My past has come back to haunt me...

proving my belief that you should treat everyone with respect...or as well as you can. My new boss and her associate manager both worked with me in a former position. It may have helped me land the position even, that I had always been friendly and polite to them. There is a manager at work that was an aid back in my early days. She has fond memories of us working together...14 years ago. I went to school with the hospital's "Nurse of the Year" for 2010. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. I have ran into a number of people, from my past, around the new place. They have all had a smile for me.

Build strong bridges and never, ever, burn one unnecessarily...you never know when you might need to travel that road again.

Human Nature

I am trying to be more observant of people. Mainly in the arena of behavior and possibly motive. I am a notoriously bad judge of people as I tend to accept people at face value. I believe you are who and what you present yourself to be. I have found, unfortunately, that people are perfectly capable of smiling while grinding the knife into your back. All the time I stand there smiling back and wondering what that pain is.

A few thoughts on some of my observances...

Some people hold on to pain. They wrap it around themselves like some kind of security blanket. I guess if you're always hurting it makes it harder to get hurt again. I see examples of this all the time. Today it was the car in front of me in traffic. On the back window of the car was a large decal "In memory of..." a young child that barely made it past their second birthday. Losing a child has to be one of the most devastating things in the world. Why would you want to be reminded everyday? No, I don't think you ever forget...but I think that big decal would be like ripping the bandage off over and over, every single day, again and again. Why? And once you applied the decal, how do you take it off without guilt? I prefer to take my pain, wrap it up, stuff it into a box and secure the lid as tightly as possible, then place it way in the back on a very high shelf in the mental closet. Yes, the box occasionally tumbles down, the lid pops off and I have to clean up the emotional mess...but then I stuff it right back in it's previous location. My mother used to tell me I was a cold hearted bitch. I've been described as stoic. I suspect, maybe just a bit crazy and dealing the best way I know how.

Laughing and joking, can be a cover for hatefulness. I am an expert at this one. I have said many times, I can say almost anything as long as I smile, laugh and nod my head. I am usually not being hateful...honestly. I am usually just being sarcastic about a bad situation. A little sugar to make the medicine go down. But I have seen this same mechanism used for much darker means and maybe because I recognized it for exactly what it was, it's made me a little leery of a particular individual.

People have motives for their behavior. I have long prescribed to this theory. Someone will repeat a behavior that gains them something they want. Whining is one of the behaviors that proves this theory. My kids did not whine, they tried it, but it gained them nothing...except me absolutely ignoring them. I have met many adults that still think whining will gain them something. Yes, I will ignore you. The same for baby talking. And crying. There is a difference between someone in pain and the person trying to manipulate you with tears streaming down their face.

People will throw you under the bus...in a heartbeat. Won't anybody stand up for the truth? Apparently not. And it seems, there must always be a person to blame...and who is that person? Well obviously not anybody in the room. It's always their fault...not ours, not the situation. Lay blame outside the door. It's easier to ignore and the mess isn't so hard to clean up...on your side. I've even been thrown under the big tires of the fast moving, did anybody get that license number...

by a friend.

Seems it was easier to blame me for all the ills of her life...and even someone else's behavior than deal with the mess.

Clean up in isle 8.


Good-bye friendship.

Round 1.

Later, there was a round 2.

No round 3.

That is one of those boxes the lid keeps coming off of.

Maybe because I still have the decal.

It occurs to me...

Shouldn't something called a hamburger be made from pork?

It didn't take much poking around the web to discover that the first hamburgers were made in Hamburg, Germany. Therefore...hamburgers. The same as hot dogs are from Frankfurt, Germany giving them the title Frankfurters. 


This may lead you to the question, are french fries from France? The answer would be no. The french of the fries is the way the are cut into strips. French fries were developed in Belgium, or at least Belgium claims the honor. There always seems to be some dispute in these things. 




French toast also appears to not be from France but it's really hard to track the origins down in the 4th century. I am however, still happy to have it.
















Does olive oil come from olives? Indeed, it does. Somehow, I just couldn't imagine getting oil from an olive. But now that I think about it, corn doesn't seem a likely source of oil either. And while we're on the subject, what is a canola? Canola is made from rapeseed, a member of the mustard family.














Now, we're both smarter. 

Interesting?

My husband told me today, that I have an interesting brain.

 He then clarified to say, that was the nice way of saying it. 

What he means is...I'm a freak! 

A term of endearment, at least to me.

 I am perfectly aware that my perception of the world is slightly skewed.

 I am also perfectly happy with my view.

Cultural gap

I work with and around people of many cultures. I very much enjoy the diversity...and quite honestly just don't think about us being "different". Friday, my work was having lunch brought in from Cracker Barrel. The menu was being passed around so that each person could select their choice. The menu was passed to "K" a very nice and highly educated woman from India. She glanced through the offerings and queried, "What is this?" One of my co-workers responded, "It's country cooking." Without missing a beat, K responded, "I guess that depends which country you come from."


It made me smile.

A mile in big shoes

We've all heard the quote,

Don't judge a man until you walked a mile in his shoes.

We'll I have a new one for you...


Don't judge a job until you've sat a day at that desk.

I started a new job. It's not a dream job. It does not make me blissfully happy...but I am happier than I was. And much, MUCH, less stressed. I have a variety of tasks that fall into my shuffle of things to do, many of which, are meant to be helpful...to take a task off the plate of someone that has much more to do. This gathering of info, putting it into logical order, discerning it's implications, deciding the course of action and setting it into motion and writing it all down...is disconcerting. I have new respect for the person that normally does this. I do it a couple of times a day, they do it many times a day.

Really?

I saw something recently stating that atheist were bad choices for marriage because they were immoral. That really annoyed me. Not because of my personal beliefs in religion. I have my doubts. I admit to that. But I am still a good person. I am not good for fear of burning for all eternity in hell...or for the promises of the glories of heaven. I am a good person because it is the right thing to do. I behave in accordance to my own moral compass. I know the difference between right and wrong. And I know a good deal of people that quote their Bible, attend church, exclaim to the heavens their faith...that don't.

To turn a quote

The law is reason, free from passion. -Aristotle


Passion should be free from law and reason. -Me

New word!!!

I have a "Word of the Day" on my Google page. I like words. I like learning new words. I may never remember them or use them...but I like them. Never, ever, stop learning.


I especially like today's word:


aporia: difficulty determining the truth of an idea due to equally valid arguments for and against it.




The reason I like this word is because it describes a good deal of my life. I don't see always or never. I see maybe, perhaps...and what if. I can argue almost anything...and I enjoy doing it. Not argue, like fighting, but debating. Seeing all sides, is the only way to see the whole picture. How can you make a decision if you've never looked at the other side?

A view from my window

I shared a belief with a friend recently that was experiencing some family turmoil. In a world of blended, half, step and even ex families there can be so many confused emotions and relationships. Especially for young children. (I have a friend that calls his step kids, bonus kids...it sounds so much better). I grew up with "Aunts" that were my grandmother's elderly neighbors. They loved me.

I have an entire family now of odd ball relations. I have a sister that is an only child...just like me. She is also my husband's alternate wife. That means she can boss him around and he does manly chores for her. I am her daughter's step-mommy-girlfriend. I have a twin brother...formerly conjoined twin, that is, from another life. He is my sister's son-in-law and married to my step-daughter-girlfriend. Are you scratching your head yet?

We've decided, chosen to be, "related". We are the non-biological family. We are happier together than apart.

Family is made of love, not blood.

Life in review

I was looking for something...a date from my past. Where would I look for an important event that I can't remember the date? Why here, of course. I found myself back on the Fall of 2008. Lots going on. I re-read several of my posts. As usual they brought memories of times past and gone, thoughts and even some pain. Some pain can be stuffed in a box and put on a shelf, but knock the lid off...

Sometimes, it's good to be reminded of how you got here. Why you made some of your decisions. Poke the pain with a stick...it doesn't hurt as much. Time does, if not heals, at least dulls the pain.

Hello shirtless guy

This morning, on my way to work, I was pleasantly surprised by a very attractive and shirtless man jogging along the side of the road. Did I mention attractive...and shirtless? Now mind you, there isn't much time to admire when you're driving 35 mph down a narrow road. Did I mention he was on the road? Running towards me. In my lane. I guess that is one reason I got such a good look...trying not to run him over. And there's the rub. While he was most definitely in shape, a fine, taut shape and from my brief, nearly head on, glimpse, attractive in that dark haired, sweaty from exertion, kind of way...he, sadly, must not be very smart. I draw this dismal conclusion from the fact that he was indeed playing in traffic, on a narrow road, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk. Ah well, it was a nice sight.