Wow, it's been awhile. I guess I have found other outlets for my semi-private thoughts. I really need to come back to this. It has always helped me to express my thoughts and feelings. I just don't like doing it to other people. I have to look too deeply, explain too much. Maybe I'll see you again soon. 

All by myself

I'm feeling alone today. I had a little cry. Not for myself, but for someone else. Problem is, no matter the cause, the end result is the same. I feel horrible. And once the tears started, they just don't want to be suppressed. Let all the greedy little emotions out to play and the bastards refuse to be stuffed back in the box. So here I sit, feeling alone, actually, I AM alone, with my emotions all raw, and it's not really where I want to be.

I was asked today how I could make jokes about having leukemia. I explained that I can laugh or I can cry. I prefer laughing. I'm being reminded why that is.

Pity party, table for one.

The Big C

Today, I found out I have cancer. The big C. Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). It could have been worse. Maybe it will be. Maybe I'll conquer it. I was diagnosed with Monoclonal B lymphocytosis (MBL) last December. I was told there was nothing to do. Come back in a year. There was a 1% chance that I would develop CLL within a year. I did it in 7 months. Just like me, a real go-getter. They told me in December, that the only reason I knew there was a problem, is because I am a nurse watching my labs. My WBC (white blood count) was steadily increasing, without an infection. I didn't feel sick, I just knew my labs were wrong. The difference between MBL and CLL is a lab valve. Below 5000, MBL, above 5000, CLL. I'm sure there is probably more to it. But that is basically how it was explained to me. I still don't feel sick. The Oncologist said, I may never feel sick. I've already beat the 1% chance, so what are my odds? I am stage I. Because of my insistence to have someone explain that WBC, it was diagnosed early. That doesn't seem so important with CLL. There isn't a treatment for the disease, only for the symptoms. Though, the doctor said there is promising research. There might be treatment in a couple of years. So here is hoping that I am the bad ass I think I am. The funny thing, I haven't shed a single tear today. I knew what was coming. I have labs drawn every 2 months for my rheumatoid disease. I watched the lab values rise above that line. I was prepared for the news. Things are easier to bear when they don't smack you upside the head, out of left field. I've told my family and a few select friends. Not that it's a secret. I don't really do secrets. I just can't deal with the sympathy. I can't keep control of my own emotions in the face of others.

It's been a rough couple of years. October 2016, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease/Arthritis. The following May, Diabetes, and December 2017 MBL and now CLL--21 months, less than 2 years. I am beginning to feel a little picked on. But I will be strong. 

A whole stack of mostly minor issues

It's not been a good 24 hours. The mostly, little stuff, has just stacked up. One on top of another.

Another person at work has resigned. There is only 1 left, of the 6 that I started with, six years ago. I am happy for her opportunity. But I will miss her. Sad.

I was supposed to have a medical test today. Nobody bothered to tell me to hold one of my medications. Rescheduled. Annoyed.

Went to see a podiatrist. Left with the feeling that they are going to draw treatment out for maximum co-pays. Irritated.

I got lab work back yesterday. Now the oncologist that wanted to see me in December, wants to see me now. Appointment made. Worried.

My first ever, and possibly last, Christmas news letter

I walked out of work this afternoon, and for the first time this year, it felt like Christmas. Not the tree. Not the shopping, or wrapping. Not the making of goodies. But the shedding of work. The weight fell away as I walked across the street. I am off the next four days. I only work 24 hours the rest of the year. Ahhhh. 

While I'm speaking about work. I will mention my first gratitude. Yes, my job is stressful and I spend a lot of time annoyed by it, but I am thankful for my job. I work in a reasonably safe environment ::cough, sniffle:: I am paid well. It is not physical labor. I am too old for that shit. :) 

Age. An inescapable fact of life. Every 5 years, it seems, I am more aware of the changes. I have slowed down, just a bit. The parties are fewer, less rough, and end earlier. I consider myself relatively healthy, especially compared to the charts I read every day. The last 14 months have left me feeling a little picked on. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis/Disease in October 2016. I only had to try 2 medications, to find one that agreed with me. I hear that's unusual. I'm grateful, because I don't always do well with medications. In May of 2017, I was diagnosed with diabetes. No big shocker. After all, both of my parents were diabetic. It only took me 6 months, to get my numbers back to normal. Here is hoping I can maintain it. Controlling diabetes isn't very easy for a lot of people. I have lost several friends to that battle. This month, I was diagnosed (I am beginning to hate that word) with Monoclonal B Cell Lymphocytosis (MBL). My bone marrow is broken. Could have been leukemia. Might still be leukemia, in a year, 10 years, 20 years. One side of a number on a lab value, I have MBL. A few numbers higher I have CLL. I am grateful for MBL. It could have been worse. Don't have to treat it currently. I still feel fine. I've had more than my share of doctors. I have RA, DM and MBL. I don't need any more letters. 

My family grew this past year. My oldest son got married and I gained a daughter-in-law and granddaughter. Daughter-in-law still sounds so strange to me. I. Am. A mother-in-law. As in most things, I do not plan on being stereotypical. Or like my Mom. I want a good relationship with her. So far, so good. We will soon be celebrating 38 years of marriage. I wish that for my son. My two oldest grandkids started a new school this year. They are living with us full time now, with their Dad. They are doing so much better. They seem happier. I want so much for them to grow up secure and happy. I am grateful for my family.

I have extended my family over recent years by adopting, and being adopted by, friends. They have given me a strong network of people that I care a great deal about, and that I believe care about me. I am so grateful for everyone of them. They have changed my life in immeasurable ways. 

Oh yeah, I forgot, the purpose of these things is to brag. Right? My granddaughter made Student of the Month at her school. :) I went to Colorado this summer. I was amazed by the Rockies. They make the Smokey Mountains look like green hills. We returned to Mexico. I think that was our 9th year, as the passports expire in May. Not ready to stop yet. We're thinking of going to the Dominican Republic next year. I am so grateful that I can travel, even if not that far. Yet. Maybe one day, I'll make it to Italy, Spain or Greece. I am grateful for friends that go with, or open their doors to me. 

I look around the world, and I see all the things I have to be grateful for. A roof over my head. A bed to sleep in. Hot running water. Climate control. A running car. I know I am forgetting something. I have so much. I look at the gifts under my tree and I am so happy to be able to have something for everyone. We take so much for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. Hug your family. Have lunch with a friend. Take a trip. Take a nap. :) Count your blessings. Be a blessing. If you have made it this far, I am grateful that you care enough to read my words. Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Yule. Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year. Be happy. Bring love and joy to all that may cross your path. BE THAT ANNOYING, HAPPY ASS, PERSON. 

I'll quit being sappy now. 

P.S. I am not grateful that my text is so small. :(

Someone died today

I did not know them. Not the first death I have experienced. Not the most traumatic death, either. It wasn't up close and personal. I wasn't involved. But this one struck a chord for some reason. For some reason, it was shocking. As we get older, death becomes closer to us. We become so much more aware of our mortality. The human body is so strong and so very fragile. Dying can take it's time. Death happens between 2 heart beats.

Hurricane Ike and the 2008 Louisville Wind Storm

There have been several conversations, in different places, about when Ike came through Louisville and all the damage it caused. I was surprised that I didn't recall that. After a little digging in my memory and this blog, I realized why. One, it wasn't 5 years ago, as someone suggested. It was 2008. September. Now, I remember all the broken trees. All the blocked roads.

From The National Weather Service: On September 14, 2008, the remnants of Hurricane Ike combined with a cold front crossing the Ohio Valley to cause extremely strong surface winds to blow through the region. Hurricane-force wind gusts in Louisville felled countless trees and power lines. At one point, 60% of LG&E customers in the Louisville area were without power, with some folks to remain in the dark for up to a week. 

Unfortunately, four fatalities occurred in the area due to falling trees and limbs.

Scientifically, this phenomenon resulted from very strong winds around 3000-6000 feet above the ground (50-80 mph), i.e., a low-level jet associated with and ahead of the remnants of Ike, being directed downward to the surface as surface heating (due to some sunshine) resulted in steep low-level lapse rates (temperatures decreasing rapidly with height from the surface to the level of these maximum winds). Such lapse rates allowed winds aloft to mix down to the surface causing the strong, damaging wind gusts. This phenomenon typically is common with severe thunderstorms, although in this case, there were no thunderstorms at all associated with the strong winds.

My Mother's dying wish was to have Christmas before she passed. It was pretty obvious that it would take a miracle for her to live until December. So we planned Christmas on September 14th. A tree and wrapped gifts, all arranged. 75 mph winds tore trees down all over town. Early Christmas was cancelled, and her health declined. She died October 11th. So now, I remember why a hurricane coming through Louisville wasn't a big memory for me. 

Book Words

If life was fair, we wouldn't invent so many religions. ~ Beautiful Sacrifice by Elizabeth Lowell

April Fools

Tomorrow is April 1. I actually woke this morning thinking it was April Fools' Day--I shaved 1 day off March somehow.

Anyhow, I lay in bed last night reminding myself to be extra dubious today. I mentioned this to my husband this morning--it was actually him who told me is was not April 1st--and he said, you don't have to worry about me, that was your Dad. And how right he is. Dad adored a joke, and a good April Fools prank, better, but the very best was an April Fools prank on his dear only daughter. He would get me a couple of times, then nothing. Just long enough for me to let my guard down. Then BAM!

Most of those pranks have faded from my memory. Except one. I guess I was middle school age. I was home alone. Dad called from work and asked if I'd seen the hot air balloons. I hadn't. He said, run outside and look. I did. No balloons. Back in the house, you have to remember this was when phones were still attached to walls, I tell him, no balloons. He runs me back and forth a couple of times, surely they are there by now, he says. Well, they're coming your way, he says, a bunch of them. So I hang up the phone, and go outside watching for the balloons. Shortly later, he arrives home (I'm still sitting outside) and asks, did you ever see those balloons? No, no balloons. He laughs and tells me, happy April Fools' Day. He got so much enjoyment out of it. Every single time.

Not traditional

My son is getting married in May. I am very happy for him, that is not always a given. The wedding is semi-formal? The bridal party is wearing cowboy boots and the men in black cowboy hats.The bride asked me today for suggestions for the mother-son dance. I suggested, Momma Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys. Maybe I could make it through the dance without crying and it would be humorous. I told the bride that the song really was my son's choice, from what I read online. She said, he hadn't even known we were supposed to dance together. I explained that we weren't big traditional type people. She laughed and said, that's what he said.

We'll see what they decide on.

No Invitation

I did not get invited back to an event that I attended the previous year. It bothered me a lot, but probably not for the reasons you think. I was worried that an invitation was sent, that I did not receive. Therefore making it look rude that I had not responded. I was worried that I had said or done something to upset the host. A host I would not want to hurt. I was concerned that something had happened, that maybe I got blamed for. In other words I have been beating myself up. But the only way to solve the problem is to ask the host, putting her on the spot, which is rude. If she chose not to invite me, that is her prerogative. I just don't want it to be because I inadvertently offended. I won't be offensive trying to resolve the issue.

I'm stuck.

Happy? New Year

Most people will agree that 2016 has not been a good year, but I don't think I have ever looked at the next year with so much trepidation. 2016 has seen a lot of deaths in the celebrity world. It sure has seemed more than the normal. According to the news, police shootings have increased tremendously.  There was, for me, a shocking Presidential election, which leads to my trepidation. Since then, at least the reporting of hate crimes has increased. Louisville has had a record number of murders, and shootings have become frequent in the news.

On a more personal level, I lost my canine companion of of 14+ years. Enough about that, I'm already overemotional. I told my boss the other day that I was a mixture of pregnancy, PMS and senile dementia all rolled into one basket case. NO, I am not pregnant!!! I started a medicine November 1st for RA. It has made me experience many symptoms I had when pregnant. Nausea in the morning. Food aversions and cravings. The smell of food, while cooking, killing my desire to eat. Other smells sending me running from the room. Over emotional, like my PMS days. I cry way too easily, even more so recently.

We went to Mexico again this year. Just 3 of us this time. Steve got deathly ill, he was almost hospitalized in Mexico. We have no idea why he got so sick. I hope we never have a recurrence. I can say that I am grateful to be in a place, where the doctor told me a price and I handed her my credit card. This coming year is booked for 5. Returning to a resort we visited previously and enjoyed. They have recently revamped the entire hotel and I swear they fixed each and every item I mentioned in my review as being cons. Looking forward to having my toes in the sand and sun on my face.

Steve's health, otherwise has been fairly stable. We recently got good news that the tumors in his neck were smaller. They will only treat his lymphoma if the symptoms become an issue. The tumors in his neck had been giving him issues with swallowing. Treatment, chemo and/or radiation, would likely make him feel worse and potentially cause other issues.

My son got engaged this year. They will be getting married in May. In addition to a daughter-in-law, I will gain a 3 year old granddaughter. I want very much to be a good mother-in-law. That is something I have been very fortunate in. My mother-in-law has never been a big issue. It has been fun to shop with Regna for the wedding jewelry, that I will be making, and the flowers. I look forward to their wedding and I wish them a bright and happy future.

My job has been bumpy. There are always changes, a few good, but many difficult. I wonder about the future. I think sometimes of moving on. Same thing, someplace else. But I have a lot of seniority and vacation time, that I don't want to give up. I have already scheduled 4 weeks of vacation next year.

I am very lucky to have a family, that is slowly expanding enough to fill my house and table. The last few years, the holidays have not seemed so hollow. The plight of an only child. In addition, I have friends that often include me at their tables and holidays. I consider myself very lucky to have so many people that welcome me as a part of their lives.

As for next year, I hope what I always hope; happiness, health and financial security. In addition, I will also hope that our country will come together. That things will not devolve into the disaster that many fear. I hope that cooler heads will prevail. A year from now, hopefully we can say, that wasn't so bad.

May you be surrounded by people that you love. May your table be bountiful and you share it with others. May you find love and laughter in the company of others, and peaceful solitude when you are alone. May your heart love without restraint and the heartaches be healed. Smile often. Laugh freely. Offer a hand when you can. Take a hand when you need. Let's work together, and if we can never have peace on Earth, at least let us have it in our hearts. Happy 2017.

Excluded

The glorious holiday season when everyone posts pictures from their get-togethers. I see a photo today of group of women that I formerly worked with. We all formerly worked together, as the office was closed. I don't care that they get together. I likely would not have attended, if invited. So why does it bother me that I wasn't asked? I was as much a part of that office as anyone else. I am very confused by these feelings. Feeling excluded from a gathering I have no interest in attending. MAKES. NO. SENSE.

Dog name

I just had the weird, random, thought that my next dog would be named Loki.

This is weird for a couple of reasons.

1. I never, ever, pre-name animals. I have spent days, looking at an animal waiting for the right name to come to me. Though, I have joked that I should name a dog, Sun. Just to here my husband say, come here "sun". The last few dogs:

Majik, a black lab mix, was named by my son, when he vetoed my choice of Warlock.

Jazz, a German Shepherd/Husky mix, was named when my husband called his bother, Heinz 57, and I replied, and all that Jazz.

I had a perfectly named cat. It took me a week, as I stared at that cat and I could feel the name, as they say, on the tip of my tongue--Chaos.

2. I have no plans to get a dog.

Got to do

So, after my shower this morning, I was feeling pretty tired. But I had planned a shopping trip. So, off I went. I spent about an hour shopping. I stopped, inside the store, and helped a man that was having a time getting out of a wheelchair. I explained that I was a nurse, and asked if I could help. He told me he'd had his knee replaced 3 weeks ago. We talked for a bit. My husband had his knee replaced and has done very well with it. I think we both felt better for the experience. 

I drove home feeling much better than I had. I opened the moon roof and let the cool air and sunshine refresh me. I have to remember that sometimes I need to DO.

99%

I am 99% white.
I am 99% straight.
I am 99% atheist.
I am 99% uncertain of my future.

A new ribbon

I have a new ribbon to add to the collection. I am none too happy about it, but have been telling myself, it could be worse. It can almost always be worse. But it is hard to be told that you have a life long, potentially debilitating, disease. I found out yesterday and started treatment today. Fortunately, that has gone smoothly. The treatment is scary. Not treating isn't an option. I haven't decided yet to tell, I am usually pretty open, but I am afraid this will carry some stigma. I don't want to be treated like I am fragile. I am not, yet. I just saw a meme that says, Good news, it isn't cancer. Bad news, you'll have to take chemo the rest of your life. Fun, huh? The doctor explained that cancer gets it by the bucketful, I only have to take a thimbleful. Every week. Forever. Just a thimbleful of poison. No big deal, right? And because I will be taking poison, I get another pill for side effects, so maybe my mouth won't erupt in sores, or my hair won't fall out, or I won't throw up. You know, all those chemo side effects. No, I am not dealing with this very well. I don't even have the option of, maybe I'll get better. I guess, I should be grateful there is treatment. That maybe, I get to keep doing the things I enjoy.

Emotionally inaccurate

Don't assume because you see laughter, that I am happy.
Don't assume because you see me being silly, that I am stupid.
Don't assume because you see a tear, that I am sad.*

*Especially that one. I cry for a lot of reasons. Most often it is to release the pressure that could do serious harm.

But...

When you hear me say, I am angry, believe it.
When you hear me say, stop, believe it.
When you hear me say, I'm done with you, believe it.

Two people diverge in the woods...

It always amazes me how two people can travel along the same road for years. Then one hits a rock in the road and is flung off into the woods. Sometimes they try to find each other. Sometimes, one of them just speeds off. Sometimes they meet again at a crossroads and decide to travel along together again. Maybe, they'll be more careful of rocks in the path this time. Maybe not.

Life is so different depending on the path you choose, and the people that travel it with you. Getting lost isn't always bad, as long as you can still find yourself. Without ever getting lost, how do you know what possibilities exists? Staying on the well worn path, is safe. But sometimes, a rock is good for everybody.

My state of being

 I was thinking this morning, that what I learned yesterday, might be beneficial to others. So here I am writing. I have, yet again, discovered that I have a malady potentially brought on by lifestyle. I went to a dermatologist to discuss a couple of things. One of the issues was my fingernails. They have developed vertical ridges, running from the tips to the cuticles. This was bothersome for a couple of reasons. I was concerned I had a fungal infection. And, one of the nails kept trying to split along one of the ridges, vertically. I kept trimming it back, which seemed to be keeping it in check. I knew if that nail split back that way, it was going to hurt, a lot. The good news, no fungal infection. The dermatologist said that my nails were very thin. I knew that, they have always been thin. He said what was causing the ridges was stress. Not mental stress, but physical stress--potentially, from typing. And since I know a lot of us spend time doing that, for work and/or recreation, I thought I would share. My nails, especially my thumbs, split about a 1/3 of the way from the tip. He said that is likely stress from hitting the space bar.

He has written me a prescription for something that is applied to the nails. The pharmacy was out of it yesterday, and it may require pre-approval from the insurance--not holding my breath on that one. His other recommendation was Biotin. I already take a multivitamin, so I checked, it only has 5% of the recommended dosage of Biotin. So I guess I will start taking another pill (ugh), or find a better multivitamin. He said that you can usually find Biotin in a vitamin for hair, nail and skin. Who couldn't use help in all those areas? OK, shut up people with perfect skin, nails and hair.

In addition to a daily multivitamin, I take Calcium with Vitamin D, because I am lacking. It was discovered on a lab result, some years ago, that I essentially had no Vitamin D in my system. Not enough unprotected sunshine. Nor, do I consume much dairy. I also take a B12, because the proton pump inhibitor (Pepcid, Zantac, etc) that I take, interferes with it. Also discovered in lab work. So, yes, I am taking a pill because I take a pill. That bothers me--but not as much as the acid reflux. Have I mentioned that I hate taking pills? I am up to 7 a day. Only 2 are prescription, 3 vitamins/supplements, a baby aspirin and allergy medication. After seeing some of the medication lists at work, I figure I'm not doing too bad. But, I'll admit to having a frustrated doctor. She has gotten to the point where she says, I'll write the Rx, let me know if you're going to take it. Nurses make really bad patients.