I dream that I was once a mermaid

Strange? Maybe. What's new? I really should not be surprised, I am a water baby. Not an Aquarius...a water baby. It is the place that makes me happiest. I love being in water. Bathtub, rain, ocean, lake, sprinkler. I will admit, I enjoy some more than others. They each have their moment in time. Hot water, mmm, one of life's greatest joys. The sound of ocean waves crashing on the beach...so relaxing, washing away life's stress. Floating in water is amazing, face up or down. Snorkeling, once adjusted to breathing through a straw, is so wonderful. And I have spent many summer days floating in the pool or at the lake.







I will soon be headed back to the ocean...Mexico, I'm coming home. Put out the bienvenido mat. And could you light up the moon for me this time?

Free writing and unformed ideas.

I have had a couple of conversations floating around in my mind. For some reason, the two, completely unrelated conversations are poking at me. There is something there I am meant to find. A clarification, perhaps. I don't know. So here's thinking...

I keep thinking about the state of human beings. Both conversations having been in that general direction, different places, at different times and with different intent. I'm just trying to get a handle on the pieces.

The human race fights over differences. Differences in race, religion, beliefs, culture, money....

I heard something recently along the line of, men will slits each other's throats because that can't agree on what happens to them when it happens. Crude...but true. Um, yeah, make that three contributors. People must have the same kind of stuff poking at their minds.

I can't understand why people can not accept differences. So what, if you don't believe what I do? Do we have to wear the same clothes, eat the same food...dream the same dream?

We aren't all meant to be blue-eyed blondes...because, yeah, we know how well that turned out in the past.

It seems to me the world would be a boring place, if we were all alike.

We aren't a breed...we are human. Supposedly the smart ones.

My identity

I have an online presence, as most people do. I have tried to limit my public exposure...keeping use of my real name to a minimum. Facebook is the one place where I use my name, instead of one of several nicknames. I recently considered changing that, mainly because I'm sending out resumes. I am fully aware that employers frequently "Google" prospective employees, along with Twitter, Facebook, etc. So, I sat and considered changing my name to something more...anonymous. Then I asked myself, why? I am not embarrassed by who I am or what I do. I'm not doing anything illegal. I use common sense...usually. I will admit, that in most people's opinion I have a few strange hobbies, but that is outside of work. It does not have anything to do with my ability to do a fine upstanding job. Look at it this way, I am well rounded. I am also well loved. I am generally happy. I am not changing for you or anybody else.

Change

It appears, among the many adjectives I can use to describe myself, that soon, I may add unemployed. This is not my choice, nor am I the least bit happy about it. After 14 years with the same company, I decided to strike out and try something new. It wasn't a rash decision, more like a vital one. The old job had become toxic to me. The stress was making me sick on a daily basis. My long term prognosis was looking grim.

I am not fond of change. I like the familiar. I like the feeling that I know what I am doing. But I jumped into the new job with enthusiasm. New job, new place, new people. I quickly discovered that I liked the job, but the fit was awkward. I told myself, give it time. I didn't get a chance. Five months after starting the new job, I was transferred to another location...where I used to work. Okay...new job, old place, familiar people. The job changed...strange how you can have the same job, same title, same pay, yet be doing something totally different. Well maybe not a total change, more an addition, a significant addition. The leisurely pace of point A was replaced by the hectic pace of point B. That's okay, I'm used to running at a manic pace. I am not afraid of a little hard work. Even with the additional responsibilities, I was not stressed. The fit felt better. I was just waiting for all the piece to fall together...instead they've all fallen apart.

Two months after the transfer, the company is downsizing. Actually, not exactly. They are being downsized, as they lost a contract. Suddenly, there are too many people for too few jobs...and I am sitting at the bottom of the seniority totem pole. I haven't yet been told if I'm losing my job, but I think it's more about when, than, if. I'm not going to go into all the arguments I have about why I am a better choice. It's a mute point anyway...I asked. I did. I asked if I could make a case for why I should keep my job. No interest. Damn. But I will always know I tried. Ballsy? Maybe. Make a difference? Unlikely.

It has become common knowledge that I am waiting for the ax to fall and what I think bothers me the most is what feels like the apathy of my co-workers. Yes, I have only been there a few months...but these people have known me for years in my former capacity. It would be nice to think that a few of them would stand up and speak out for my benefit. Maybe they have, quietly, behind closed doors. Maybe wistful thinking. Would it matter in the end? Yes, to me.

So I sit and wait, with my future in someone else's hands. No control. No choice. No say.

50th birthday

Today I turned 50...fifty. The big 5-0. Five decades. Half a century. I'm not figuring days, the leap years will mess me up. I am not upset by my age. I figure getting older beats the alternative. I am afraid of aging...but I'm not going there today. I don't feel any different today than I did yesterday. People tell me I look good. They don't guess my age. Hopefully, I can say the same in 10 years. I'll be happy to still be alive, working and properly functioning.

ill-logic

I am a logical person. I can work out a lot of things I don't know with logic. Along those lines, it always befuddled my mind that something that smelled so good to me would not taste good. This was true with Nacho Cheese Doritos. I generally detest cheese...but the Nacho Cheese Doritos smelled incredible. So one day I worked up my courage and bit off a small sampling, and just as I expected...it was nasty! This was illogical to me. Smells good should taste good. This is something my mind has revisited on a number of occasions, especially when something smelled good with a questionable list of ingredients. Then tonight, I got a mouthful of shampoo and as I am sure you know, it does not taste good...but it smells great.

Aha!

Makes perfectly good sense...to me.