Flashbacks

For a lot of reason I won't go into, I've had a person on my mind a lot the last few days. Someone, that briefly passed through my life, but left some indelible marks. He showed me what I aspired to be in a make believe world. In real life, he was much loved, and when he went away, it caused much pain and left many questions.

You never die if someone remembers your name.

Manipulation of the masses

TV is the greatest manipulator. It's not just advertisements either. You know they are trying to sway you. But have you considered the shows you watch? It seems over the last few years everyone decided that stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops are necessities. Why? I think it's from watching home improvement shows...brought to you by companies that sell those products. Clothing manufacturers have manipulated us into buying new, each season, to be fashionable. Now our homes must be fashionable. I was actually quite proud when my son started looking to buy a home and hasn't once complained about the lack of granite counter tops...and he's just grateful that the homes have appliances.

Do I have stainless steel and granite in my home? No. Even after a total gut and remodel.

Reminiscing about vacation...already

A couple of things came to mind today, for whatever reason.

We were in Cancun January 19-26, it was cooler and some days, cloudier...we actually had rain all day one day, something we had not seen in five years.

Ginny and I decided to try the pool one day, we had spent most of our "water time" in the ocean, the pool was frigid. The first step in was shocking, but I continued to slowly descend the stairs...laughing all the way and encouraging Ginny (still on the first step, I think) to join me. Mind you, I normally would have been doing the back stroke by this point. I stood in the pool, laughing. Ginny on the steps, laughing...she may have come down another. When suddenly, out of nowhere, cannonball! Icy water displaced...all over us, of course. We were still laughing, fortunately for the guy, who climbed from the pool laughing. He'd been pool side watching our snails pace and decided to assist in our acclimation. I'm not sure if I ever managed to lay back. Brrrrr!

One night, the hotel closed most of the restaurants and the chefs presented a Mayan inspired buffet in the banquet room. There was some very delicious foods and a show, but what surprised us more than anything was the sweet potato tequilatini...no, that is not a typo. In the entry hall they had set up three drink stations. We tried the first one, a coconut and corn concoction, that was surprisingly not as bad as it sounds. We passed on the second, as I recall, it involved peppers. The third station, was past the doors to the banquet room and I think fewer people had wandered down that far. This is where we discovered a sweet potato cocktail. I like sweet potatoes, but never, ever, would I have considered them as an ingredient in a drink. The drink was made with a sweet potato puree, agave puree and I believe, cream...and of course, tequila. Put in a shaker with ice then strained into a martini glass. It was unbelievable! So glad I tried it.

I didn't take a picture of my drink, so you get a photo of a couple of the performers instead. They were incredible too. So much strength.

Sometimes I think too much

Sorry, I'm not sharing my secrets today. I'm even having trouble putting my thoughts into words...keeping it generic.

There are certain things I'd like to believe about myself. It is hard when reality interferes with this perception of self.

There are certain things that I believed made others value me. Or maybe it's how I felt valued. It is hard when that slips away.

There are certain things I believe that contradict other things I believe.

My brain hurts.

Attraction

My husband and I were discussing dating, first impressions and attraction today. We've been married 30 + years, so it's been a long time since we dated. First, we had to agree on the definition of attraction. To my husband, when he hears attraction, he thinks of physical appearance. I think of that connection between two people, I guess what some people call chemistry.

He expressed a few things about what he finds attractive that surprised me. Maybe because it's what I want to be...but have, at times, felt like he was fighting me.

He said he didn't need a beauty queen. He wants a woman with backbone. One that was independent and not rely totally on him. One that had a life outside of the marriage. A smart woman.

Thirty years ago he wanted a stay at home mom. He planned to be the sole bread winner. He actually said to me, once upon a time, that no wife of his would work. He expected that I would be relying on him. Our marriage would be insular. Our marriage would be like his parent's.

He made me feel good today.

China

Dishes...not the country.

I was given a set of china when I married. I put it away for special occasions. That is what my mother did with her china. That was my understanding of what everyone did with fine dishes. In nearly 33 years, it has been used, maybe three or four times. My family doesn't really do special occasions. It was pulled down a few times for Thanksgiving...the food wasn't better. I'm not sure anyone even noticed. I always hand washed it, took extra care of it...because it was china.

I am reevaluating my stance. My son is looking to buy a house, and I'm sending my everyday dishes with him. I am going to put the china in the cabinet and use it. If it gets broke, and I'm sure it will, oh well. What am I waiting for? Do I not deserve to eat off fine dishes every day?