November 13, 2012

I'm going to tell a secret

I woke last night in a bit of a panic. I was twisted in my blanket and something...I think a pillow, was in my face. Too close. I came awake...fighting to get away. I'm a bit claustrophobic. A bit, um hum...a bit; fighting, clawing, scratching, biting, freaking claustrophobic. At least, I guess this would fall under claustrophobia, I am a little uncomfortable in tight spaces...like the MRI. But I can manage it, unmedicated even. I close my eyes, breathe deep, and try to not touch the sides that indicate the limitations of the space. But I have never done well with stuff, or even people, in my face. I can usually extricate myself quickly from such a situation. It does not go well when I can't...did I mention kicking? It takes extreme circumstances, like sleeping outside in the middle of winter, to be able to even pull a cover over my head. Even then I try to keep a space open...for air. I can't breathe when the air becomes stuffy...warm. It is so suffocating. That is how I woke, something too close to my face, suffocating me. Unable to move, because I was tangled, trapped. I woke, ready to fight...since I couldn't flee.

Adrenaline is not good when you want to go back to sleep.

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