It isn't always age

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency.  This seems to be pretty rampant. Why? Vitamin D is manufactured in our bodies, for the most part, from being in the sun. We don't spend enough time in the sun, and when we do, we sunscreen, because we've been told that sun is bad.  So is a lack of vitamin D...but not as bad as skin cancer. Now, I know when my D level is sliding, because I recognize the symptoms. I get pain in my legs. The pain, I had previously blamed on work...and age. I took prescription strength Vitamin D until my levels reached normal. Now, I take a daily OTC supplement.

I went to the doctor the other day for a check-up. I mentioned how fatigued I'd been feeling. Not sleepy. Not tired. Just disinterested in doing anything. She asked about depression. I had already examined that option, as disinterest in things you normally enjoy, is a definition of depression. Nope, I said, not depressed. I am perfectly happy...not doing anything. This goes against my personality. I am not generally happy being still. I had considered a lot of options other than depression; new job, frequent changes, stress and of course, age. Sorry, but as you get older, you start hearing it used as an excuse for everything. Fortunately, for me, I have a good doctor, she knows me and she listens. She did some lab work and my B12 level was low. Research ensued, because, well, that is how I am. And I learned something that could probably be as prevalent as the Vitamin D deficiency. B12 is in food, almost exclusively in meat. Smart vegans/vegetarians should be supplementing their diets. B12 is released and absorbed when the acid in our stomachs breaks the meat down. Two problems here; tons of people are on medications to reduce stomach acid, me included, and as we age (there is that dirty word again) we produce less stomach acid. Guess that proves I am not old, since I still have to take medication to reduce the stomach acid. Ha!
Lack of B12 can produce a lot of issues:

Diarrhea

Fatigue

Numbness of the extremities

Sore mouth

Loss of appetite

Nausea

Cessation of menstruation

Confusion

Memory loss

Hallucinations

Disorientation

Anemia

Nervousness

Behavioral changes

Enlarged mucus membranes

One article I read, said a lot of people attribute their symptoms to aging. Big surprise. There is even speculation, that some people diagnosed with dementia, may actually be suffering from B12 deficiency. 

Besides my fatigue, I have also felt over anxious the last few months, something I blamed on the new job. But it wasn't going away as I settled in. I'm hoping it will dissipate along with my fatigue. I haven't found a clear answer on how long it will take to feel better, it seems 7-60 days. I guess it depends on just how low my levels were...my doctor was not specific. I guess I can be grateful at the lack of hallucinations and enlarged mucus membranes.

To Whom it May Concern,

I signed papers yesterday allowing you to snoop into my life, "by any means deemed necessary" to prove my worthiness to continue at my job because my company sold me to you. So if you find this little piece of me, I want to say a few things.

I guess, first and foremost, you can't take me at face value. Things are not always what they seem. In my world, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it may very well be a firetruck. Sometimes, I don't want people knowing what I am talking about...or looking too closely at my firetruck. No, I am not crazy. I have a vivid imagination...and I'm not afraid to use it.

I am fluent in sarcasm and I use it liberally. To make a point...or not.

I have a sense of humor, whether you understand it or not. I can laugh or I can cry...personally, I prefer to laugh.

I get angry and frustrated sometimes. This is my place to blow off steam. I may use any or all of the above in doing so. What I don't do, is trash talk. You will never see a proper noun to go along with my rants. The proper place for the name of my employer is on my paycheck and my resume...and appropriate professional websites.

And sometimes, I'm boring.

But, I work hard. I am proud of what I do. And I always do my very best. And I am hoping that we will have a mutually satisfying relationship for many years to come...as I have many years until retirement.

I'm going to tell a secret

I woke last night in a bit of a panic. I was twisted in my blanket and something...I think a pillow, was in my face. Too close. I came awake...fighting to get away. I'm a bit claustrophobic. A bit, um hum...a bit; fighting, clawing, scratching, biting, freaking claustrophobic. At least, I guess this would fall under claustrophobia, I am a little uncomfortable in tight spaces...like the MRI. But I can manage it, unmedicated even. I close my eyes, breathe deep, and try to not touch the sides that indicate the limitations of the space. But I have never done well with stuff, or even people, in my face. I can usually extricate myself quickly from such a situation. It does not go well when I can't...did I mention kicking? It takes extreme circumstances, like sleeping outside in the middle of winter, to be able to even pull a cover over my head. Even then I try to keep a space open...for air. I can't breathe when the air becomes stuffy...warm. It is so suffocating. That is how I woke, something too close to my face, suffocating me. Unable to move, because I was tangled, trapped. I woke, ready to fight...since I couldn't flee.

Adrenaline is not good when you want to go back to sleep.

Blogging

I went back and was reading some old entries. When I started this blog, I fully intended it would be anonymous. That allowed me to express some things that I might not otherwise divulge. Honestly, since my blog became public, I have deleted a few entries. There are some things you just can't share. There are still a few entries that are very personal to me...things other people might read and never know how bare my soul feels when I read those same words. But for some reason I feel an attachment to the words that will not allow me to delete them. Maybe I need to be reminded. Maybe they are issues that still need work. Maybe, one day, the words won't sting the vulnerable parts.


Maybe one day...

So many wrongs, one right

Power corrupts.

It is the first thing that comes to mind when I consider the impending presidential election. Don't worry, this will not be a spin campaign for one of the candidates or a smear campaign against the other. I'll leave that mess to the individuals that get paid big bucks to bend, twist and distort reality.

I wish integrity would find it's way back into government. I jokingly suggested that the candidates be connected to lie detectors during the debate...wouldn't it be nice if you knew you could make an educated decision based on facts?

I am disgusted about the amount of money spent on the campaigns. It is obscene...especially when so many people are struggling to stay afloat. Wouldn't people still vote for a president without spending millions of dollars? If both campaigns were limited to a equal dollar amount, would it make a difference?

When did winning become more important than people? You know, those people, the ones voting. So much fighting. So many power plays. Such division. Instead of asking, what is best for our country? They ask, what do I, or the party, want? I sometimes think they disagree just to test their power. I'll show you.

And stupidity. How can educated people be so stupid? Some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths...

I'll be glad when the election is over. I'm not expecting much, no matter who wins. They are so insulated, isolated and polarized. They have no clue what it is like to live in the real world where actions have consequences, trust is an issue, money is limited and nobody is constantly whispering in your ear seeking favor.

The one right in all this? The right to vote. To live in a country where choice is an option.

I just wish I could  feel confident about my choice. I wish I could make a commitment based on truth, honesty, knowledge and vision.