Survival

The human psyche is pretty rugged. It is sometimes amazing what we are capable of enduring. That which does not kill you, the indomitable spirit and all that stuff.

I have had some rough times and my sense of humor has always seen me through. Even in my darkest hours I can hear the knocking at a distant door. And I can find some really bizarre things funny.

My sense of humor as been well nurtured over a great many years. It has been watered and cultivated by a great number of life experiences as well as a number of individuals. It is often dry and dark and full of twists. Like a run away car on a country road at 2AM. You never know what might pop up.

Today I am with my Mom at the hospital. She is rapidlly dying from cancer despite treatment. They are trying to wean her off the IV Morphine...it is not going well and she was in a lot of pain. She gets frustrated that she can't move and get comfortable...her legs are now paralyzed, then she gets upset. This is a nasty cycle as the more she gets upset the more pain she's in. So I thought I'd try something. Nurses call it visualization, you can do that when you have a degree...most people would call it going to their happy place.

So I lean down and hug her and start whispering in her ear. I start describing a beach, one of her favorite places, in great detail. The white sand, the ocean lapping at her feet, the smell of sea salt...I'm trying to remember each of the senses to include them in the picture. When I think of sound, I mention the cry of the seagulls. A distinct sound reminiscent of the beach. But then my mind wanders to another distinct thing about seagulls...and I whisper in her ear, "But these are special seagulls, they won't poop on you." Even with the pain, my Mom started laughing.

Humor hasn't failed me yet.

Broken

I think I'm broken.

My emotions don't seem to work like most peoples. I don't care when I should. Big things don't upset me...the little annoyances drive me crazy. It seems the emotions are walled away in some dark, mysterious place.

Sometimes I have to pretend.

I see people looking at me. I feel the accusation that I am not behaving normally. So I look to see what others are doing and I follow suit to blend in. I just don't want to feel the pain.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism from the abuse suffered at the hands of my Mother as a child. I felt more pain then. She says I'm a cold hearted bitch...and I think, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

At least I protected my children. They never saw that rage. They didn't suffer at my hand. At least I wasn't that broken.

I still don't know how to fix me. I don't know if I can be fixed. I'm not sure I could deal with the pain.

Technology

Technology has changed a tremendous amount just in my life time. I did not have a microwave as a kid, or for that fact, a DVD player (or even VHS) or a computer. I remember Pong as the first video game I ever saw, then Space Invaders. They were not very advanced, but we wasted hours playing them. A new technology to me now is the satellite radio in my car. It came with six months free. I can't imagine paying for radio. I'd rather buy CD's. But it's been a great way to discover new music. Who knows, I may be addicted in 6 months.

It's not you, it's me

Helloooooo...contrary to your belief system the world does not revolve around you!

I realize you think you are the center of the universe, the axis on which everyone bases their lives. I hate to break this to you...but you're wrong.

People do not behave in a manner just to please or annoy you.

Every head does not turn as you walk by to admire or scorn you.

Yes, I believe being self centered can go both ways. It doesn't necessarily mean you are egotistical. It can also mean you think people are out to get you, to beat you, to one-up you. Why in the world would everyone notice you? Why are you so important that they have to be better than you? I hate to break this to you, but in the large scheme of things, you're pretty freaking invisible.

This brings me to another recent thought and someone that apparently can't be invisible...Mylie Cyrus.

I do not follow star news. But you can't eat or breathe in this country without hearing some tidbit or another about Mylie, Brittney or Paris...to name a few. Some of the crap they bring on themselves...but I would hate to be living in that fishbowl.

Can you imagine being 15 (I think Mylie is 15) and living your life under the scrutiny of the world? Growing up is hard. The teen years are awkward, a time of discovering who you are. I sure the hell wasn't a role model for anybody, nor did I want to be. It was all I could do to keep my head above water.

There is no way to be grounded in that environment. Paris appears to be a good example of egotistical, while Brittany may have fallen to the other end of the spectrum. Of course they have public support in their beliefs that the world actually does revolve around them...they just need look out their windows.

So, unless you got up this morning and found paparazzi on your lawn...get over it. Most everyone is just going about living their lives the best way they know how.

It really isn't about you.

And a shoe drops

You ever have one of those things in life that just sideswipes you out of nowhere?

OK...I guess it really wasn't out of nowhere. I'd heard the crash and a careening sound from far off. I guess I just thought it wasn't real. Now that I look back there was an honest to God flashing sign. How the hell did we all ignore that? OK, have to be honest with myself again. After all, that's what writing is all about for me...honesty with myself. There were whispers and conjecture...hell there were downright accusations. There was also denials and plausible excuses.

In the near future there will be pain, crying and blame.

Some day there will be healing.

And hopefully a new beginning.

I'm still a bit in denial...hoping it's really just a bad dream.

A few truths discovered on the road of life

Say I love you, if you mean it.

Crow is no easier to eat after it gets cold.

Smell the roses. Watch the sunrise or set. Sing in the rain.

Play. It's not just for kids.

The grass is rarely as green as it looks on the other side.

There are consequences for your actions. They may be minuscule but they may be life changing...and sometimes it's hard to know from where you are standing.

Contrary to popular belief, there isn't necessarily two sides to every story. But every story is colored by the story teller.

Excitement and beauty are overrated. They're best appreciated in small doses.

It is rare to find absolute truth.

Happiness is something you have to work for...and it isn't guaranteed.

Easy isn't always best.

Life isn't fair...deal with it.

People do not always forgive and forget. And even if the forgive, they never, ever, forget.

If you are willing to complain when things are bad...be sure to compliment when things are good.

Look for the silver lining. It isn't always easy, but then the best things usually aren't.

Looking back and making wishes never works, but sometimes if you look forward it might. The same is true with asking, "What if?"

Anger and frustration rarely accomplish anything positive.

Occasionally, do something unexpected.

Hold the pain

Have you ever held on to something BECAUSE it caused you pain?

I'm holding onto a couple of letters that I find extremely emotionally painful. They were written to me during the ending of a long term relationship. I don't think they were meant to be the end, but more of a turning point. But as many times happens with humans, I didn't react as the other person anticipated. I think I was supposed to cry and say how sorry I was. Promise to never, ever do the infraction again...and go on as if nothing ever happened.

This is the way it had worked before.

But instead, I took a long look at those words.

This is where the advice that says never put anything into writing that you might regret comes into play...advice from someone that writes in a public forum every day.

I looked at those words, words chosen very carefully I'm sure. I looked at them. I read them. I absorbed them. And came to the conclusion that the relationship had become one of convenience. I also realized that even though I knew them intimately, they knew absolutely nothing about me.

So the relationship ceased. I moved forward. Time has passed.

So occasionally I still pull out those letters to be reminded. Reminded not to take people or life for granted. Reminded that everything changes. Reminded that from pain, good can come. Reminded to appreciate the people in my life. Reminded that I am very lucky. Reminded to say, thank you.

Maybe one day I'll burn those letters.

But not yet.

I still need to be reminded.

Caught up

OK...I've finally moved as much from my previous blog to this one as a plan to. That blog is nearly two years old with 456 entries. Kind of shows what's important.

So all the "old" entries will be in July 2008 only...with a few newer introductory ones. So if you've discovered my dark little corner and have made it through the first month of disjointed entries...welcome.