All by myself

I'm feeling alone today. I had a little cry. Not for myself, but for someone else. Problem is, no matter the cause, the end result is the same. I feel horrible. And once the tears started, they just don't want to be suppressed. Let all the greedy little emotions out to play and the bastards refuse to be stuffed back in the box. So here I sit, feeling alone, actually, I AM alone, with my emotions all raw, and it's not really where I want to be.

I was asked today how I could make jokes about having leukemia. I explained that I can laugh or I can cry. I prefer laughing. I'm being reminded why that is.

Pity party, table for one.

The Big C

Today, I found out I have cancer. The big C. Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). It could have been worse. Maybe it will be. Maybe I'll conquer it. I was diagnosed with Monoclonal B lymphocytosis (MBL) last December. I was told there was nothing to do. Come back in a year. There was a 1% chance that I would develop CLL within a year. I did it in 7 months. Just like me, a real go-getter. They told me in December, that the only reason I knew there was a problem, is because I am a nurse watching my labs. My WBC (white blood count) was steadily increasing, without an infection. I didn't feel sick, I just knew my labs were wrong. The difference between MBL and CLL is a lab valve. Below 5000, MBL, above 5000, CLL. I'm sure there is probably more to it. But that is basically how it was explained to me. I still don't feel sick. The Oncologist said, I may never feel sick. I've already beat the 1% chance, so what are my odds? I am stage I. Because of my insistence to have someone explain that WBC, it was diagnosed early. That doesn't seem so important with CLL. There isn't a treatment for the disease, only for the symptoms. Though, the doctor said there is promising research. There might be treatment in a couple of years. So here is hoping that I am the bad ass I think I am. The funny thing, I haven't shed a single tear today. I knew what was coming. I have labs drawn every 2 months for my rheumatoid disease. I watched the lab values rise above that line. I was prepared for the news. Things are easier to bear when they don't smack you upside the head, out of left field. I've told my family and a few select friends. Not that it's a secret. I don't really do secrets. I just can't deal with the sympathy. I can't keep control of my own emotions in the face of others.

It's been a rough couple of years. October 2016, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease/Arthritis. The following May, Diabetes, and December 2017 MBL and now CLL--21 months, less than 2 years. I am beginning to feel a little picked on. But I will be strong. 

A whole stack of mostly minor issues

It's not been a good 24 hours. The mostly, little stuff, has just stacked up. One on top of another.

Another person at work has resigned. There is only 1 left, of the 6 that I started with, six years ago. I am happy for her opportunity. But I will miss her. Sad.

I was supposed to have a medical test today. Nobody bothered to tell me to hold one of my medications. Rescheduled. Annoyed.

Went to see a podiatrist. Left with the feeling that they are going to draw treatment out for maximum co-pays. Irritated.

I got lab work back yesterday. Now the oncologist that wanted to see me in December, wants to see me now. Appointment made. Worried.