Mother's Day

I have mixed emotions about today. There is the, where I came from, versus, the who I want to be. I hate the sappy Hallmark type commercials, that seem to show me what a failure my life has been. This is not just Mother's Day, but every holiday. My life has never been, nor would I want it to be a Hallmark moment...well, maybe a moment, now and then. So, I see all the rose colored moments and feel sad for what I do not have.

I think my mother loved me. Fiercely. In the toxic, manipulative, possessive, jealous manner of an abuser. She wanted me all to herself, even to the point of being resentful of my father. I tried to maintain a relationship with her, until her death, but it was best managed at a distance. Physically, as well as, emotionally.

I swore that I would not be that type of mother. I am not jealous. I am not needy. I do not demand their time or undivided attention.  But, I am also aware, that perception is colored by our experiences. I hope my sons realize that I love them, but I feel that I can share them. That I feel like the more people they have, that want to spend time with them, the fuller their lives are. Neither have in-laws, yet, but I assume, someday, they will. There will be another Mom on Mother's Day. I do not need to be the center of attention. I don't want to make their lives more stressful to figure out the logistic of holidays. Come see me the day before, or the day after. Call me and let me know you're thinking of me. I'd rather spend time with you because you want to, not because some date on the calendar, or I, guilt you into it.

And I know, that so many other people feel pain today. Especially, those that have lost the mothers they were close to. Or the women that want badly to be a mom, but, for whatever reason, can't. Those, rose colored, everyone else has a perfect life commercials, have got to be hard for you, too. We should all know, deep in our hearts, that real life does not look like Hallmark or Norman Rockwell. So, why do we emotionally fall prey to it?

Anyway...

To the women, whether you are a biological Mom, adoptive Mom, step Mom, want-to-be Mom, soon-to-be Mom, substitute Mom, or pet Mom...Happy Mother's Day. Do something nice for yourself today.