Friendship...tracing backwards

A friend of mine had a very nice, non-traditional, baby shower this past weekend. Something got me thinking about how we got to that point. Not the baby, the people. Let's see if I can put this in writing.

I met Laura, through Kenny. I met Kenny through Mike and Andrea. I met Mike and Andrea at a club that I went to with a friend that I met at a LARP.

Laura's shower was at Mark and Dawn's house. Laura met Dawn because I introduced Laura to Chris and Erin. I met Chris and Erin after going to a mutual friend's Halloween party. I had met the mutual friend at the same LARP.

My sons had encouraged my participation in the LARP. I went with them. I wonder what path I would be on, it I hadn't gone, or if I hadn't stayed. They say you meet people for a reason. I wonder if our paths would have crossed any other way. Maybe.

Out of these same chance meetings, I have gained so many great people in my life. I am really lucky.

On a brighter note...

I experienced a strange excitement today at the thought of coming home to my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. We've been married 35 years. But, like anything with that type of longevity, I think we sometimes take each other for granted. We are each others favorite pair of jeans. Comfortable. Dependable. Reliable. Those are all good qualities. But sometimes, when you get too comfortable, you forget to appreciate your favorite things. Every now and then, it wouldn't hurt to dress those jeans up. I guess recent events have reminded me to not take so much for granted. We are not promised forever.

I feel abandoned

Nobody is at fault, except maybe me. Not like I'm talking to people. I'm here, talking to myself instead. Feelings are not always logical. So yes, I can feel abandoned when nobody is aware that I need them. Do I need them? No, nothing they can do. So what is it that I want?

Magic. Only answer I can come up with. I magically want someone to reach out to me and make everything better. And they say we grow out of the magical thinking age around 6. I am a few years, ahem, decades late. If I refuse to act my age, I guess I can refuse to think my age.

Sure. Is. Dark.

It is highly unusual when I can not find the silver lining. It might be so tiny that it is damn near imaginary, but I'll come up with something. I am searching for a glimmer on the horizon. Don't know enough to know how to feel, but I am waffling between optimistic and terrified. I plan. I unplan. I can't move forward...and we can never move back, not really. I am on hold. A standstill.

Stalemate.

More information soon. I don't know if it will help or make things worse. Knowing can be worse. Like going back, you can not unknow. But with more knowledge, I will know where I am headed, I hope. Uphill or downhill. There is no lateral option. Even the best possible outcome, will not be good. It will be the best of the worst. I see a very long, difficult road ahead. I guess that is better than a short difficult road, in this situation.

Checkmate.

Life Changes

They says it's inevitable. We're just going along planning a future. You kind of have to. But then out of the blue something blows it all the fuck up. Sorry, I usually warn about language. I'll warn now. Too little, too late, perhaps. Too soon to know anything. I'm just feeling really unsettled. Fresh wounds, and all that. I found myself home alone, so I sit here and write while I have the chance. This could be a bump in the road, or it could be a derailment into the abyss. Only time will tell and I have absolutely no control over anything. I'm going to have to pull my shit together. Got to be strong, again. I've done this before, and damn it I swore I'd never do it again. Fuck me.

Those moments

There always seems to be those moments that stick with you. A moment in time shared between people, that for whatever reason lives on forever. Sometimes, it's the one thing you remember under particular circumstances. I have a ton of those moments. I guess everyone does.

A few that have been on my mind lately...

It was pouring, cats and dogs as they say, so hard and sideways. People were hanging back, hiding inside the area between the doors at the mall. The stores were closing. Nobody with any sense was going out in that. We looked at each other, pulled off our sandals, and dashed across the parking lot. Laughing all the way. We looked like we'd jumped in the shower fully clothed. Drowned rats. Cats, dogs and rats.

Having a masked man beckon you. Masked, as in Scream. I asked, "Why should I follow you?" He leaned close and whispered, "Curiosity." It was the right answer, the only answer. I could not resist. To defend my sanity, I will divulge this was in a game environment, not just some random masked man...not the Lone Ranger. Actually, I should have believed the masked man's intentions were dishonorable. But, you know, curiosity. Even if it is rumored to have killed the kitty.

Don't lick me. Three little words. Three little, misdirected, words. The beginning of a beautiful friendship. She'd heard rumors, not about me. If she'd heard those, she might have run. ::wink::

Just three, for now. There are tons of those moments.